I'm so confused

I think I may have shared some of this already but I need advice too.Ever since I was born I've been ruminating to my family and friends. People I feel comfortable around. I have extreme ADD/ADHD in top on it all so my brain just runs... I would see news articles and worry I was a bad person, worry I would kill myself, worry about everything.

Now for the big part,

I spent almost 5 years, honestly giving so much time to a company. I ignored workplace violations about them making me work alone, because I just wanted to be liked. I would answer questions outside of work. People would smile and say how amazing I was, but it never really felt like they cared. I tried to take time off sometimes. Lost 60lbs (going back up now...) but even in time off I would get questioned about work, told not to care but I care so much. My most recent I had paperwork in place, they were amazing and let me stay out longer. I worked with 4+ Dr s over the last 2 months. (My whole support system had left a year ago, over 5 employees as well, and Drs even recommended leaving. I just wanted to make people happy)

I get put in training when I get back, it's expressed how we can vent together like when I had trained them in... They talked about having similar issues and I opened up about how HARD it was for me to want a family, and be around my friends when I was YOUNG because I thought I could be a bad person. We even had the conversation before... When they started... Infact we were laughing, I thought we were having a good time. I thought it was an amazing start. I leave to go to a Dr. Get a call right after and I answered excited because my Drs wanted me to work. Gave me a note to work even... And HR said I made the person uncomfortable and I couldn't start until the 12th. They called my parents like I'm a child ... they didn't listen to my Dr notes. My parents stood up for me, but at this point I had to resign... Felt forced to after years of trying.

They never saw my O.C.D. as anything but a quirk, and honestly I'm just so sad that I'm probably never going to feel comfortable in public now. I would cry so hard to my ex fiance about wanting to just stop thinking, And I hadn't had intrusive thoughts like work was concerned about for over a decade... Not that it matters I know I'm a good person... I was expressing joy for finally maybe moving past my trauma, finally not thinking I'm ugly, finally wanting a family. I guess I was confessing to her when I thought it was mutual. Now I really don't think I'll ever have a family, let alone date... Let alone want to live again after being hit back so hard. I'm basically out of $ now, applying for jobs but my Drs have said to try to get help at least for Dr appointment. People get shamed a lot for $ help though... Not enough $ to get the mental help to want to live again. Trying by myself with 1 Dr, trying to skirt by, just did a med change but I can't stop crying. I may even need to get rid of my vehicle I love...

I really really don't want to live, but know I won't hurt myself... So if anyone has recommendations for next steps, slow steps, I would appreciate it....

Thank you

[deValentin]

There are two types of problems in life according to metacognitive therapy. There are problems that circumstances bring us: bad working environment, loss of a job, sickness, etc. It's normal to worry about them and seek a way to solve them the best we can. They pertained to Type 1 worry. Type 1 worry refers to worry about external events and physical symptoms.

Then there are problems we generate ourselves by ruminating about our hardships, questioning our ability to cope with them, doubting our worth as a person (If I'm fired, it automatically means I'm incompetent), seeking excessive reassurance, etc. We think that incessantly dwelling on our problems, instead of taking concrete steps to try solving them, may help us, or that we can't help churning thoughts all day long. This is type 2 worry. Essentially type 2 worry is worry about worrying.

Once you start to engage in Type 2 worry, the game is over. It's like entering the famed rabbit hole. The more problems around us accumulate, and the more we feel we have no choice but to keep relentlessly searching for that magical way or undeniable certainty that will change our mood and 'make us want to be a better person'.

The solution is, after a reasonable period of grieving, to try to find concrete ways to get back on our feet with some moral support, if it's possible to find any. It's a slow process, arduous at times, but it's worth it in the end. Finding a good balance between work (or searching for work) and distractions (going for walks, listening to music, etc.) is helpful too.

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Thank you for your reply