I'm afraid I've done something terrible (trigger warning?)

I'm a 15 years old, and this might sound bizzare and maybe a bit of a reach, but I feel so horrible inside because of it.

I was talking on the phone with my dad about 20 minutes ago maybe, and as he was speaking, the phone was slightly vibrating from it. For some reason this triggered me to have a groinal response, just bc I was afraid of the feeling happening, and so I lifted my head away from my phone (I was laying on the bed with my head on top of the phone). Then I placed the side of my head back on top of my phone to listen to what he was saying. For a split second, I thought that I wanted to get the response, as a way of proving that I wasn't trying to get it before, when it did happen (because I always question if I tried to get a groinal response or not). Then I got this horrible feeling inside, as if I just ruined my whole relationship with my dad for good. And as I thought about it, I had the urge (I didn't do it) to do the same thing again! And it felt like I was actually about to do it. As a way of proving that I wasn't proving, that I was proving, that I wasn't proving, that I tried to have a groinal response. Yeah I know this is really confusing, but I can't think of a better way to explain it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so afraid that I've basically ruined my whole relationship with him. My family is so important to me, and now I feel like I've ruined my relationship with my mom, my sister, my sister's boyfriend (I consider him family), my brother, my dad, and my grandma. These are the people I care about most, and I'm afraid that I have damaged our relationships for good, because I've thought that I attempted to have a groinal response to all of them, and I don't even know if I have or not. And my groinal response isn't actually sexual and I know that. It's just from focusing on that area, and being afraid of having that response. So if I tried to get it, that wouldn't be considered something sexual right? I feel so lost and unsure of myself all the time.

One of the worst parts is now I'll see my dad and think of this, and I'm afraid I won't be able to have a good relationship with him now because of this. I hate this so much. I love my family, I just wish I could be around them without feeling immense guilt.

[Hidden]

I'm so sad. I don't want to lose my family. I love them so incredibly much. This is the worst feeling in the world. I hate the feeling that I can't ever be happy around them again.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

The worst part isn't even when I thought that I did it, because that could possibly of just been like an instant false memory. It was when I felt like I wanted to do it again, because it felt like a very real urge, as if I wanted to do it, and that I was going to. I don't even know anymore. If I can't even be around my family anymore, what's the point?

[Selesnya]

Hi Samantha,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. However you came to the conclusion that this is OCD, it certainly seems to be an accurate diagnosis to me, though it could be some other anxiety-based condition. There are ways to get help and deal with the situation. However strange you may fear that others with consider your situation and reaction, the situation is real to you, and that's really all that matters.

Please try to find a way to work with your parents or go through your school to find some help. You don't have to tell them what is going on, just that you are having significant problems with anxiety and uncertainty and you need some help to deal with it. You want to try to find a therapist or psychologist that deals specifically with anxiety related disorders and OCD. The IOCDF has some good resources on finding a therapist:

iocdf.org/ocd-finding-help/...

This advice is slanted specifically toward OCD, but a similar treatment can be used for other anxiety condition so the list of therapists they provide is a good starting point.

There are ways to get help and to get better. Please ask for help and keep going until you find the right person to help you. It may take more than one try, but you can do it.

Please check back in to let us know how it is going.

[Selesnya in reply to Selesnya]

Here's an article on someone with OCD that you may be able to relate to. It doesn't cover your experience exactly, but it is similar in the questioning. What do these thoughts say about me as a person?

glamour.com/story/this-is-w...

[cambridgeborn in reply to Selesnya]

Thank you so much for this article suggestion; it's brilliant. I could relate 100% with this woman's experience.

[Hidden in reply to Selesnya]

Thank you, I appreciate your response. My parents know about most of my problems, and their looking for a therapist for me. I'm just so afraid that I've ruined my relationship with my family. It's so difficult for me to live with myself

[Selesnya in reply to Hidden]

You really haven’t ruined things with your patents. OCD lies all the time and it is lying about this. Because it is OCD you won’t feel good until you know for sure. Unfortunately you will never know for sure 100% absolutely. There will always be a little bit of doubt. Even 0.00001% chance is too much. You have to be OK with telling OCD to fuck off and leave you alone. With a therapist you can do this, even if it seems impossible right now.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Samantha - No, you haven't ruined your relationships with your family. You will feel much better and hopeful when your OCD is under control.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I told my mom about that I'm afraid I've ruined my relationship with my family, and she told me I could never ruin our relationship because she loves me and will never think of me differently. She also told me I couldn't ruin my relationship with my other family either because they also love me and nothing could change that. I'm definitely feeling a lot better and hopeful today. I finally feel like I can overcome this. The thought about being afraid my relationship with my family is over was very debilitating, now that I know that's basically impossible, I'm feeling a lot better. I'm going to actually handle OCD like you're supposed to. I'm going to stop reassurance seeking, stop googling and get professional help. Thank you so much for your response.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You are so welcome. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

[Wheeloffortune]

Hi! You aren’t alone. Chrissie Hodges has great podcasts on ocd specifically talking about groinal response. Look her up on YouTube. She has helped me a lot. OCD stories is also good as well as Mark Freeman.

[Hidden in reply to Wheeloffortune]

Thank you! I've watched both of their videos, and both of them have been a such great help for me. I didn't know Chrissie Hodges had a podcast, so thank you so much for telling me. I'll definitely listen to that.

[Wheeloffortune in reply to Hidden]

Sorry I meant to say she is on YouTube. She also has an interview with the guy on ocd stories. Remember, it’s just your brain trying to trick you! I know it’s hard. But truly you can have freedom from this!!!

[Hidden in reply to Wheeloffortune]

Ohh, it's ok! I'll listen to that interview for sure. I'm going to try to actually beat this thing the right way for the first time. I'm going to stop doing the reassurance seeking because that's what I've done for the past 4 years and it has not done anything to help me.

[Wheeloffortune]

You’re doing great!! When we come to the realization that OCD wants us to be scared of everything and that our brains are just trying to protect us we’ve come a long way!!

I love saying to myself “oh that’s just my pesky ocd”!! Then I let the thoughts and anxiety come and I don’t fight it. I’m certainly not perfect at this and still learning but over time I have found that the anxiety and intrusive thoughts die down. Best of luck!! 💖🙏😊

[Hidden in reply to Wheeloffortune]

Thank you so much! This is something I needed to hear right now.