Was I Stalking?

[Winchester2022]

My most recent post was about a new relationship that I'm in. We've been on three dates so far, and the last one I enjoyed a lot. I know (and correct me if I'm wrong), that it's normal for partners in a relationship to google one another. However, I feel like I went further than that and am not feeling right about it.

Anyone can do a public records search on anyone else- usually the cost is around $20, and you can get things like any criminal record that the person has, or any judgments that entered against the person. For my work I have a free subscription to one of these online search services. This evening I couldn't resist the urge to look her up. She came back with no negative record. Had I just searched her on google (which I did also), I wouldn't have felt this way, but I feel like I crossed the line by doing a public records search which requires more effort than someone would normally be willing to go through (even though it's free for me, I still had to go through more steps like logging into the website, getting a text security confirmation that it's me, etc.).

I feel like what I did showed distrust in her and I am worried that when we're together I'll feel like I'm hiding something from her which will make me lose my confidence. I also have a negative feeling like I was stalking her. Was this really stalking or is it ocd for me to think I was?

Another problem is that I have a compulsion to be truthful about almost everything on a date so I worry I will feel compelled to tell her that I looked her up in my public records search software! Obviously, that wouldn't help my chances of succeeding in a relationship with her. Even when people google each other they don't say that they did.

I'd appreciate some help in overcoming this.

Thanks!

[potatowoman]

Hi! I hesitate to comment much on this because this post itself is a great example of reassurance seeking--which you should try to resist as much as possible. You had a thought (I want to Google this person) and felt a compulsion to act on it (Googled her) and I'm sure you didn't get the relief you thought you would get from it. Perhaps you thought something like, "What if the search didn't turn up something from her past I should know about? Maybe I should check other social media sites, or something else from her past?" (This is an example of an OCD spiral, where you can never get relief even if you give into the compulsion.)

Now this post is another example. You had a thought (Does Googling this person make me "bad?" Should I have just trusted her? Does this mean I distrust the relationship and it's not the right relationship for me?) and then a compulsion to post here and seek reassurance. Now you're looking for strangers on the internet to tell you something like, "it's okay, it's just OCD!" But even that won't be enough, and you're already experiencing the compulsion to "confess" so that she can provide reassurance as well.

I know it will feel impossible, but you really have to look at this and just shrug. Does it matter if you don't get the answers to these things? Is it really going to change anything? The answer is no. Because no matter how much reassurance you get, in all the different forms your brain will think of, it will never be enough. And when it's not enough, your brain will think of a new way that you might be reassured. But that won't be enough either. The only real way out of the spiral is to just shrug, and say something to yourself like, "This is really uncomfortable for me. I feel like I might be a bad person. I feel like I need to tell someone about this." And just know that that's your OCD talking, not you. You are not your thoughts. Your OCD is bullying you and it's okay to just shrug and not let those thoughts hurt you.

Reid Wilson has some great resources for this: youtube.com/user/reidwilsonphd

You can do this!!

[deValentin]

I know it’s difficult for people with OCD to recognize it, but it’s a matter of personal judgment. Either you decide what you did is okay, or it isn’t okay and you won’t do it again. Whatever you choose, you move past it because it’s not the end of the world, in my opinion.

If you tell yourself “I’ll stop ruminating on that topic when I feel all right about it”, it’s over. You’re helplessly caught in a spiral. It’s putting the cart before the horse. You need to stop ruminating first, and then you’ll feel all right about it with the passing of time (ERP).

It is difficult to stop ruminating because if you’re inclined to keep ruminating and under pressure to stop ruminating (because one part of your brain tells you it’s ridiculous), you’re in a bind. A tempting way to get out of it is to tell yourself “Let me ruminate some more, find the peace of mind I’m looking for, and then I’ll stop”. Resist that temptation because you’ll never find absolute certainty, and the more you invest in its search, the less you’re able to stop.

[Winchester2022]

Thank you     potatowoman and     deValentin . I agree that it doesn't help to ruminate on whether or not what I did in the past is wrong since that's over, but the other part of the problem is I feel what I think is a compulsive need to be totally open about almost everything with her and in relationships in general, so when I am with her I will be debating with myself on whether or not to tell her this. Part of me tells me it's good to be truthful so I should tell her. Is this OCD just playing with my value of honesty to try and make me do something that would hurt me and my chances with her?

[deValentin in reply to Winchester2022]

Compulsive truth telling may be a form of OCD (over scrupulosity). Some things are better left unsaid (at least for the moment). The question I would need to ask myself is the following. Is my need to confess, the sign of a rigid or a healthy conscience? If, in my honest opinion, I make a mountain out of a molehill, I’ll move to something else and let time dissipate the discomfort (ERP). If I deem that an OCD-free person would tell the truth in the same circumstances, I would do it. It's a judgment call. There are a lot of grey areas in life, and part of OCD recovery is to accept it in spite of the difficulties. It also helps to look at the big picture: how do I want to spend the rest of my life? Making the best decisions possible given the information available at the time enables one to face the somewhat uncertain future with confidence.

[potatowoman in reply to Winchester2022]

OCD goes after the things you care about and value the most--so you're hitting the nail on the head that it is zoning in on your value of honesty and giving you obsessive thoughts (am I being honest enough?) and related compulsions (telling her everything you can think of). OCD wins because of the gray areas. Because there is no way to really *know* if things like being truthful, or being clean, or being sure are ever really "true." While people without OCD naturally can stop a thought from looping on repeat and can deal with uncertainty--people with OCD have a harder time. The whole game is just building your tolerance for discomfort and learning to trust yourself. It's a lot of work, but it is possible.

[Winchester2022 in reply to potatowoman]

"Because there is no way to really *know* if things like being truthful, or being clean, or being sure are ever really "true." While people without OCD naturally can stop a thought from looping on repeat and can deal with uncertainty--people with OCD have a harder time."

Thank you that's a good description. It's interesting how it operates.

[potatowoman in reply to Winchester2022]

I think it's super helpful to understand the actual brain difference of people with OCD--really helps you realize that what's happening isn't your fault, isn't a weakness--it's just a difference. This is a quote from a really interesting study on that topic:

But they suggest that OCD patients may have an "inefficient" linkage between the brain system that links their ability to recognize errors and the system that governs their ability to do something about those errors. That could lead their overreaction to errors to overwhelm their underpowered ability to tell themselves to stop.

"It's like their foot is on the brake telling them to stop, but the brake isn't attached to the part of the wheel that can actually stop them," Fitzgerald says. "In cognitive behavioral therapy sessions for OCD, we work to help patients identify, confront and resist their compulsions, to increase communication between the 'brake' and the wheels, until the wheels actually stop. But it only works in about half of patients. Through findings like these, we hope we can make CBT more effective, or guide new treatments."

Full article: michiganmedicine.org/health...

[Sallyskins in reply to potatowoman]

Thanks for this. It makes sense! I shall read the article in full.

[Sallyskins]

I really think the temptation to google and do a public record search is more to do with curiosity than anything else. This is a woman you're interested in, and you want to know more about her. Though it's not really likely that you're going to find out anything much about her this way - the best way is to go on meeting her! Most of us have very boring internet profiles and I don't think she's likely to be an exception.

I do agree that the compulsion to tell the truth within a relationship sounds very much like an OCD trait. Some things just come under 'too much information'! Some things it's better to keep back, particularly at the start of a relationship - it's not about being secretive; it's just that we all have an inner life and a past and we don't always have to make them public.

It's actually possible that she googled your name! I don't think it's stalking, unless you trail through the internet obsessively trying to dig up anything you can about her. Don't google her again, at least for now. Get to know her. And, if you and she get along, you may feature in one another's social media accounts!

[Winchester2022 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you Sally! This is very helpful!

[LadyPeaches]

It was natural for you to use the tools you trust and rely on to see if you could put some trust into this new person. Congratulations for looking after yourself, something I will remember to do in the future, should the need arise!

[Winchester2022 in reply to LadyPeaches]

Thank you

[jejdjsjsjsjjss]

For stalking, you need intention. Stalking is done over a lengthy period of time and the perpetrator is fully aware of what they are doing and yet has no remorse. Even the fact that you are worrying proves that your actions had no ill intent. It is normal to be curious about people, and if it is on the internet, then it is readily availible to everyone. What you did was not stalking, it is your OCD talking. OCD likes to blow situations up into the complete opposite of what they actually are. If the thought of doing that causes you anxiety, then it is OCD. What you did was not in any way an invasion of privacy, after all its on the internet, just the same as social media and im sure we all have gone through a persons social media before. You are not a bad person, nor a stalker no matter what your brain is telling you, its OCD.

[jejdjsjsjsjjss in reply to jejdjsjsjsjjss]

and adding on to this, yes you just shrug. find something to say, like “i am not ruminating on this thought”. If it feels like you need to find answers now and it feels almost careless not to ruminate and “find answers” it is an OCD thought. The less effort you give to the thought the less power it has.

[Winchester2022 in reply to jejdjsjsjsjjss]

Thank you Jej

[Hidden]

My question is did you not tell each other everything? Sounds as though you have trust issues with her. You felt she wasn't telling you everything. That's not a good sign of a healthy relationship. You stated you are very truthful in your ways. Did you ask questions to.her?

[Hidden]

hi i didnt read all of your post but googling someone isnt stalking. i have been stalked for nearly three years by a guy who hacked my camera. hacked my families camera. fallowed me on the train threatened to kill me, took pictures of my naked and posted them online. insulted me under a false profile and used a drone to film me and i didnt report him and i am still alive.

people need to stop being crying babies sometime people are in love and cant conrol their feelings and its not fair to lock them up for that. the legal system is very cruel and anyone who tells you that googling someone is stalking is a complete fuck up who deserves to be arrested for false allegation.

stop being so hard on yourself about idiots chatting rubbish to you you are allowed to be in love with someone as long as you dont harm them. the person will never know you have googled them so they wont be harmed by it.

[Winchester2022 in reply to Hidden]

I appreciate it lk. To answer your first question- although we shared personal stories, etc., we haven't known each other long so there is still a lot we haven't told each other about ourselves.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I've never known anyone to be stalked by anyone. Usually one that is stalked is a celebrity by a fan crazed person. Normal people can be stalked as well. Like your situation it is very wrong to what they did to you. Not every person is in danger of losing their lives from stalking. Sometime it's to make someone's life terrible or for their own pleasure. It isn't stalking if you Google someone once but it is when you continuously Google one person.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

googleling someone 100000 times isnt stalking. the whole point of google is to search for things that are on the internet. if the person chooses to be on the internet then they shouldnt be surprise that they come up in the google search. stalking in the legal term involves unwanted interaction and threat and googeling someone is neither of those things. i dont think my story is wrong for me as much as it is wrong for this guy. he must have some serious problems to ended up doing this to people. the legal system isnt morally good and i stay away from them as much as i can.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Searching for something is different than Searching for people

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

you can search for who u want and love who u want as long as you don't disturb or hurt anybody. this mentality is why so many good people end up in prison. and why prisons are overcrowded.