I think I may have shared some of this already but I need advice too.Ever since I was born I've been ruminating to my family and friends. People I feel comfortable around. I have extreme ADD/ADHD in top on it all so my brain just runs... I would see news articles and worry I was a bad person, worry I would kill myself, worry about everything.
Now for the big part,
I spent almost 5 years, honestly giving so much time to a company. I ignored workplace violations about them making me work alone, because I just wanted to be liked. I would answer questions outside of work. People would smile and say how amazing I was, but it never really felt like they cared. I tried to take time off sometimes. Lost 60lbs (going back up now...) but even in time off I would get questioned about work, told not to care but I care so much. My most recent I had paperwork in place, they were amazing and let me stay out longer. I worked with 4+ Dr s over the last 2 months. (My whole support system had left a year ago, over 5 employees as well, and Drs even recommended leaving. I just wanted to make people happy)
I get put in training when I get back, it's expressed how we can vent together like when I had trained them in... They talked about having similar issues and I opened up about how HARD it was for me to want a family, and be around my friends when I was YOUNG because I thought I could be a bad person. We even had the conversation before... When they started... Infact we were laughing, I thought we were having a good time. I thought it was an amazing start. I leave to go to a Dr. Get a call right after and I answered excited because my Drs wanted me to work. Gave me a note to work even... And HR said I made the person uncomfortable and I couldn't start until the 12th. They called my parents like I'm a child ... they didn't listen to my Dr notes. My parents stood up for me, but at this point I had to resign... Felt forced to after years of trying.
They never saw my O.C.D. as anything but a quirk, and honestly I'm just so sad that I'm probably never going to feel comfortable in public now. I would cry so hard to my ex fiance about wanting to just stop thinking, And I hadn't had intrusive thoughts like work was concerned about for over a decade... Not that it matters I know I'm a good person... I was expressing joy for finally maybe moving past my trauma, finally not thinking I'm ugly, finally wanting a family. I guess I was confessing to her when I thought it was mutual. Now I really don't think I'll ever have a family, let alone date... Let alone want to live again after being hit back so hard. I'm basically out of $ now, applying for jobs but my Drs have said to try to get help at least for Dr appointment. People get shamed a lot for $ help though... Not enough $ to get the mental help to want to live again. Trying by myself with 1 Dr, trying to skirt by, just did a med change but I can't stop crying. I may even need to get rid of my vehicle I love...
I really really don't want to live, but know I won't hurt myself... So if anyone has recommendations for next steps, slow steps, I would appreciate it....
Thank you