First time here, could you help me, please???

[lesshopeless]

Hello everyone, new here! I'm just so desperated. Sorry. (Eng isn't my first language so sorry for the possible grammar mistakes)

Hope u can give me an advice and thanks in advance. So started with these intrusive thoughts thing (2020), it started when I mstrbtd. I mean, when I did it once, the image of someone I didn't want came to my mind. That's when it all started. It's been 4 years now and now those thoughts are with a family member. I have had many triggers and compulsions. So I hardly ever masturbate, and if I did, I did a thousand things in my mind to control the thought. My mistake was to start checking to see if I felt anything when I masturbated with the image of that family member. I felt horrible, I still feel bad. I never did these things before. That happened many times. What happened today, I would like to know if it is because of all this that happened and because of the ocd. I was m**turbating, and of course I thought about the situation that these thoughts come during these moments. At first I was just concentrating on the sensation and getting to climax. Then comes a thought of that familiar's face, which makes me come faster to orgasm, I stopped paying attention to it. It was about 3-5 seconds that it appeared. I didn't stop touching myself, I wanted to climax alone. I should have stopped and redirected to something else. And start again and reach climax not because of that thought. I think also in the back of my mind sexual image appeared, but I didn't pay much attention and thought of another random person. It's not the first time something like this has happened, but it's killing me not knowing. Is this because of ocd?

The only thing I am sure about is that I NEVER did these things before, nor did they happen to me. In fact, I never thought about people or anything when I masturbated, I just concentrated on the sensation. My question is, that time that intrusive thought appeared that made me climax, I stopped paying attention to it, I wanted to climax, then I think sexual thought appeared at the back of my mind, I didn't pay attention to them, I don't know if it made me feel any sensation, at the end I thought of another random person, it may still be because of the ocd? Am I an incestuous person? Am I bad? I feel very sad. It depresses me not knowing, when I know why it happens, I am relieved and feel happy. I also fear that because I already knew other people had this happen to them, I would reassure myself and say it is still ocd. What if I knew that but took it as an excuse and did these things because I actually like it and not because it is part of ocd? I really feel lost. When I see this family member, I don't feel any sexual or romantic attraction, it really hurts me that this is happening. It depresses me. I know I'm not this, but the fact that I know this and this keeps happening, makes me think I'm actually a disgusting person. I know ocd ignores logic, but I'm confused and lost. I feel, idk how i feel. Just that sometimes i feel nothing. I'm just tired and I don't want this anymore. But by saying this it seems like I'm lying and that I really want it. It seems like I'm lying and I'm a disgusting person after all.

I don't know but i fee like alleviated when i tell this to other people that understand ocd. I really hope this is part of ocd and not because I'm using ocd as an excuse and I'm a terrible person. Thanks if you read me.

[deValentin]

If an experience happened that made you feel guilty, and you can’t stop ruminating about it, and the ruminating is distressing and impairing, that’s a form of OCD.

“You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.” There is a difference between an awful thought popping in your head (that happens to everybody) and purposefully dwelling on a thought. If a bizarre thought pops in your head, there is no reason to feel guilty about it. Don’t give it meaning and move on with your daily business.

If you regret using a family member image to test your sexual reaction to it, there is a time to turn the page and learn from the past. Beating your chest about it the rest of your life doesn’t serve any purpose, only make you unhappy. Testing your sexual reaction was unnecessary and meaningless because it’s something beyond our control. “Sexual reflexes are regulated by highly integrated autonomic and somatic pathways in the spinal cord and brain”. To excessively wonder about one’s potential sexual deviance, feel the need to test it and endlessly regret it may be a sign of moral scrupulosity. A therapist is better placed to make that diagnostic. I wish you could put that issue to rest in a healthy way as soon as possible.

[lesshopeless in reply to deValentin]

Thank you so much for your answer. I did that at first because i was scared of being attracted to my relative. I wanted to be sure that i didn't feel anything... but it just got worse and worse. I got relieved, but then the doubt came again and again, and that's how i ended up with all of this... it makes me so sad.

[deValentin in reply to lesshopeless]

I understand your sadness. Remember though that what happened to you may have happened to anybody who lacks self-confidence. If a strange thought pops in one’s mind, “What if I’m sexually attracted to a family member?” most people would dismiss the thought and move on with their day-to-day business. If you suffer from anxiety, you may be tempted to give meaning to that thought and ruminate about it at the expense of your usual interests in life. You may then think that testing it is the only way to end your painful and impairing uncertainty. It’s when the downward spiral starts. The mistake was to ruminate about that thought and count on testing instead of the passing of time to end your uncomfortable anxiety. Now it’s time to learn from the past, forgive yourself and move on with your life. I wish you're able to do that.

[lesshopeless in reply to deValentin]

Thank you so much for your answer. I'm trying to do that. The worst part is that I feel I don't deserve to be okay

[deValentin in reply to lesshopeless]

You said, “I feel I don't deserve to be okay”. Do you have any reasons to feel that way? If you have good reasons, then there is a need to make amends, learn from the past and try to move on. If you don’t, maybe it would be best to see things as they are. Nobody is perfect, but you also need to look at your good points. There is an inspiring movie called “It’s a Wonderful Life” where a man finally realized he was not as bad and useless as he thought he was. It’s not easy to see our good points if we feel worthless, but it’s important to be fair with ourselves and not only shed our prejudices against others but also against ourselves.

With OCD it’s difficult to look at the big picture. To get tangled up in what we intellectually consider ridiculous issues and fail to see what’s important undermines our self-confidence. We need so much reassurance about our worth that’s never enough and we never feel up to par. It’s easier to lament about our lack of worth, at least in the short term. It’s more challenging to content oneself with reasonable certainty we’re worth something. It’s a risk (nothing is certain but death and taxes), but if we take it, positive experiences usually foster a healthy self-confidence

[lesshopeless in reply to deValentin]

Thanks for your wise words. This is so exhausting. What if this is my true self. I don't want this... I'm going to keep fighting. Maybe I'm lying to myself, but I will try.

[deValentin in reply to lesshopeless]

Everything is possible, but why not open your mind to the possibility that you're a decent person and seek evidence to support it? It may be difficult to do it in your present state of mind, but what about if you put the issue on hold for a while and reexamine later on with a fresh state of mind?

Sometimes we're so intent to solve a problem what we fail to see more effective ways to appease our mind. It's like insects being attracted to the clear bottom of a bottle where there is no escape and not seeing the small opening in the dark part of the bottle where escape is possible.

[lesshopeless in reply to deValentin]

Thank you so much for this. Im going to try and do that! Thank you so much for helping me, really! I'm sure I'm not this, but what happened (it is in my last post) makes me feel worried...

[lesshopeless in reply to lesshopeless]

This has happened many times, it is like a pattern. I'm so confused

[Sallyskins]

Stop feeling so bad about yourself! It's just OCD! And the more you try to push away the image of the family member, the more it will bounce back into your mind.

That's how OCD gets to you. A thought or image that you don't want can just pop into your mind. Naturally, the impulse is to push the thought or image away as hard as you can. But now you've given it your attention and it bounces right back.

Each one of us has all sorts of random images and thoughts - some of them unpleasant and unwanted. That goes for people without OCD, as well as those who have it. For most people, these thoughts and images just float in and straight out again. But OCD makes us pay attention to these thoughts, and give them meaning.

That makes the thoughts and images 'sticky' - and they stick inside our heads instead of floating out again. And the more we question them and try to give them meaning, the more they refuse to leave.

The brain is a very complex organ - lots of things are going on with it at any given point. So although you may think you're concentrating on one thing, your brain is still working underneath your consciousness. And one thought leads to another and another and another. It's not surprising that something random can pop into your brain without your asking it.

So don't punish yourself for a random thought - the image of a family member while you were sexually aroused. As I said, although you were concentrating on one thing, your brain was hard at work underneath your conscious thought. All kinds of thoughts might have popped into your head. And they would most likely not have given you any trouble.

Try letting the image in - not push it away. Acknowledge it, and then ignore it. It's likely to stick around for a while, but after a bit it will go away of its own accord.

[lesshopeless in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you so so much for your answer!!! I'm going to take your advice! Hope you have a great day! Now this situation doesn't worries me anymore... There's another thing, it is so exhausting. I feel so down when i don't know if what has happened to me is because of ocd...

[Sallyskins in reply to lesshopeless]

It does sound like OCD and it is exhausting! By the way, OCD is a real shape-shifter. It takes so many forms, and it's common for OCD to focus all your attention on one particular thing, then shift your attention to something else entirely.

But no matter what form your OCD takes, the techniques for fighting your OCD remain the same. They can be applied to any form of OCD.

[lesshopeless in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you so much, again! I'm trying, I'm really trying, but i think i don't deserve to feel better if this is not because of ocd...

[Sallyskins in reply to lesshopeless]

It sounds like OCD to me - and I've had OCD for so many years that I think I'm in a position to recognize it!

[lesshopeless in reply to Sallyskins]

I believe you! And thank you so much. I feel so much better when i know im not alone in this... But I always doubt. I don't know if it is too much to ask. But could you see my last post, please? Maybe you change your opinion if this is ocd or not.