Therapy over my Therapy

[Winchester2022]

In my last post I mentioned that I am starting a new relationship and that we have plans to meet again soon. We have our second date planned for tommorrow. My last post was about having OCD on where to meet her. Today, I had a therapy session with an OCD specialist because I had been questioning obsessively whether or not I can even have a relationship without distracting me from my other passions in life. The whole time my therapist was very supportive and talked about needing to live a full life and not sacrifice a relationship for hobbies and how I could do both.

Then, towards the end, I asked him a very specific question about a text that I sent to her and if he thought this may make her change her mind about meeting the second time. He said that he doesn’t want to reassure me, but that he doubts it. Then he also said, though, that she is in a different boat then me (she’s 25 and I am 43), and that he’s not sure it will work out. I don’t know from this if he meant that he can’t totally reassure me that all will work out or if he said this because he is actually skeptical on whether or not it will work out. Since it was the end of the session, I couldn’t clarify with him, and I can’t ask him something like this by email. Given that I am meeting for the second date again with my new friend “Sarah” tomorrow, I don’t have time for a new therapy session.

Now I feel like I need “Therapy about my Therapy”. His comment is making me very insecure. I feel my date tomorrow may be ruined due to lack of confidence. We genuinely clicked when we met but now I’m having doubt. Was my therapist expressing doubt that Sarah may want to have a relationship with me, or was he just making the point that no one can 100% reassure someone about a relationship.? He did mention the age gap toward the end when he said it.

Thanks

[Winchester2022]

Also, this is gonna sound funny, but the anxiety from the new relationship is high. We are meeting tomorrow for dinner. I suggested a place called Fu Ga Kyu which is a Japanese restaurant. Now I’m obsessing that the name of the place sounds like someone saying the F word to someone else, and that this will taint our conversation and make it hard for me to say anything memorable or expressive there.

Would someone without OCD care about the name of the restaurant? It's a good place otherwise. I almost want to change the location, but fear that would be a compulsion.

[deValentin in reply to Winchester2022]

There is no map for unchartered territory. You have to make your own. It's both scary and exciting!

[deValentin]

I hope your date went well. When you explore "new territory", isn't it normal to experience anxiety and excitement at the same time because the situation is unfamiliar? In my opinion, seeking too much reassurance will spoil that excitement.

[Winchester2022 in reply to deValentin]

I appreciate it! It went well yesterday

[Sallyskins]

Best not to worry about the name of the Japanese restaurant. I expect it means something quite innocuous in Japanese, and if Sarah says anything about it, perhaps you can have a giggle together over it. If anything, it could be a conversation starter. I'm sure there are words and phrases in English that sound rude in other languages, including Japanese!

I think such worries are natural when you have clearly invested a lot emotionally in this date - and OCD does like to make its presence felt where you are emotionally invested.

I can't really tell you what the therapist meant, and whether he was trying not to reassure you or if he has his doubts about whether your relationship with Sarah is viable.

But if it doesn't work out with her, don't give up on finding someone. Relationships can and often do work where there is an age difference, but if this doesn't, perhaps go for someone nearer your own age. There are lots of lonely, single and attractive women in their 40s or 50s who would really like to meet a man, but the men in their age group are so busy chasing after women in their teens and twenties! Men often try to punch above their weight with women, thinking they're in with a chance when they're not - and in any case, women don't suddenly go off when they hit 30!

So I can't say if you and Sarah are suited - or if the age gap will be a problem. I know how hard it can be when it comes to dating - is this 'the one'? Been there, done that, and been let down more often than I care to remember! And remember that Sarah might be nervous too!

[Winchester2022]

Thank you Sally. Yesterday went well and we are supposed to meet again next week.

[Sallyskins in reply to Winchester2022]

That's great. All the best for it!