This will be the very first time I'll be trying to explain what's happening in my head. If any of you ever dealt with anything similar, please do let me know (and forgive my English). I've had OCD since I was 8 or 9 years old, started off as pure O, but later on turned into almost debilitating, life-ruining OCD. Today, I'm a 28-year-old woman who can barely keep it together. Most of my compulsions revolve around thoughts about my husband's ex. My husband and I met when we were 22, we said a lot of stupid things to each other at the beginning of our relationship, told each other about our intimate pasts with our ex partners, traumas, etc. I hurt him at the start really badly, kissed another guy ( the relationship was fresh and I was dumb, I regret it and I've been remorseful to no end). I knew his ex was extremely toxic and they didn't have a happy relationship, but they had a very sexual relationship and he, in general, was a "busy boy" before he met me. When I betrayed him (as mentioned above), he reacted ofc. For 2 years straight, every time we argued, he would bring up how I messed up at the start, his ex, their sex life, how horrible she made him feel every time they had sex, a lot of sex sex sex rants from him, he'd (deliberately) bring up sex with other people just to hurt me too, he'd go into details and what not. He's got bipolar and back then was all over the place. Once he'd start ranting about his sex life, he wouldn't stop for hours. I deserved it, it's okay. He apologised for his actions extensively but...today, many years later, all my OCD rituals became about her, his ex. I think about them having sex, or more like I make myself think about it almost in a self-harm kind of way, then I tell myself that I need to eat 5 slices cheese ( so he would never think about his past again) and most importantly, eat them without thinking about her, and if I do, I need to eat another 5. I end up eating the whole block of cheese (chocolate, box of cereals, 5 litres of milk, it could be any food) and going to the shop for more. As you all know, you can't just stop thinking about something. I know that they both were students when they met, so I assume they had sex mostly on fridays, weekends, and so I hate those days of the week. I avoid doing anything on the weekend. I don't start anything new on weekends, I don't buy any new clothing or household items on those days because otherwise they'd have her aura. I've done cbt, dbt, act, everything. I've talked to him about it (not in such detail but I did). I can't stop it. It's ruining my life. Do you have obsessive intrusive thoughts about your partner's ex partners? The thoughts that also make you act upon them?He never talks about it anymore. He hasn't for 4 years now. It's all on me and my OCD. Thank you for reading this...It means a lot to me that you did...It's my daily existence, my curse, and a secret I'll never tell anyone I know.
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Apple7123
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Hello, wonderful you! I am sorry for your pain. I know that it's extremely difficult for you. Please try and postpone, at first, the complusion. Maybe you should get some help from a psychiatrist, meds will give you the time to manage OCD through cognitive behavioural therapy. That's what helped me. I have contamination OCD (at first I was afraid of HIV, but then pandemic came in, so...) and cbt helped me a lot. We have to postpone the compulsion and then try to stop it. I believe in you! You can do this! I send you love, courage and peace! Please, stay strong!
I also have contamination OCD I take lexapro and its extremely helpful at keeping these thoughts at bay. I also try to not ask for reassurance about my thoughts. Sometimes I add a clonazepam and this helps rid me of the thought also. I also work out everyday to increase my serotonin naturally.
Thank you so so much for your message! For sending me love, courage and peace! I need them so much. I'm very grateful. Whenever I have an impulse today, I'll try to postpone the compulsion following your advice!
I have not experienced these exact thoughts, but I do know that relationship OCD is a common theme and can latch onto anything including exes.
I'm so sorry that you're going through so much right now.
Are you currently in therapy? I always recommend Exposure Response Prevention with a qualified OCD therapist as it is the treatment that quite literally saved my life and helped me find joy again.
I've been wanting to try ERP for so long. Thank you for your support and kindness Alexandra!! I'm so happy to hear that the treatment you received saved your life and helped you so much. It's wonderful for you, may it last forever and only get better with time 🙏 it's very inspiring!
Try reading scriptures instead of doing the compulsions…Christ came to set the captives free and so that we might have life in abundance and to the fullest. The thief (satan) came to steal, kill and destroy, but the word says that if we submit to God and resist the devil that he has to flea. These tormenting thoughts are not from God, but from the devil. We all have to fight back with the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. May God bless you richly as you seek Him.
I don't know if this will help, but RJ almost destroyed my marriage ten years ago and this NYE I'm attending a family event with his ex and am not even concerned. I'm not sure when or how that happened but I feel like Abilify played a role. I experienced it in my first marriage as well. Out of all my obsessions this has been by far the worst and most damaging. I seriously feel for you and second the ERP recommendation. I didn’t have a diagnosis at that time - I wish I had, it could have saved myself and everyone around me a lot of heartache. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry to hear you've been through so so much, I can imagine how awful it's been for you and how hard you've worked to get past certain things and personal traumas. I really feel for you and just knowing that I'm not alone in this helps tremendously. It's so amazing to hear that attending this NYE event doesn't bother you much..even though just the thought that you'll have to face his ex yet again makes me angry and shaky. You're so strong. Thank you for recommending ERP and thank you for sharing your story with me, it means a lot, I feel very inspired 🌻❤️
I'm wondering about forgiveness. I'm wondering if he has ever told you that he forgives you for things from the past. I'm wondering if you have ever forgiven yourself or him? It really feels as though you both need to seek some counseling. Even though he's not talking about it anymore, it could be that you are both pressing it down inside..... maybe help from a counselor will help you both to actually deal with the real issues inside in a safe environment where the counselor can help you talk through it.
I'm not saying you don't have OCD.... I'm just speaking from my past of surpressing feeling so far down that you don't even know that it's not been dealt with. This happened to me and I ate myself silly....was anorexic, them bulemic.
I have had OCD since I was 6, so I do understand OCD well.
I hope you do find your way for the sake of you and your family
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! Yes, I completely agree that forgiveness plays a big role here. He's very kind and ultimately forgiving. I can't say the same thing about myself and I do need to address it, you're absolutely right 🌻
I'm afraid that you are blaming yourself for your husband's behaviour. Of course you didn't 'deserve it'! Just kissing someone else before you were properly going out with one another doesn't mean he had the right to be so abusive towards you.
Just because he doesn't mention it now doesn't mean you should bear all the blame. So try not to punish yourself.
I do get where you are coming from - I've had similar OCD things. Such as having to do something without thinking of particular words - and having to do it again until I manage to get it 'right'. And avoiding doing some things on particular days. It does make things difficult and for you it must make weekends really difficult.
CBT is still the standard treatment, and though you've tried it, perhaps you should give it another go. Go at your own pace - if someone tries to force the pace it can set you back.
Perhaps consider antidepressants, at least for a while - they can help damp down the OCD and make CBT easier.
It's possible that having your husband's ex being shoved in your face all those years ago has left you traumatized - on top of your OCD. Perhaps help for this trauma could help as well. I'm not in a position to diagnose PTSD but perhaps you could check this out.
Remember that your husband isn't with his ex any more. She's in his past, and he's with you now. She's in his past with good reason - it sounds as though he wasn't a bit happy with her.
I always think it's a mistake to go into details about previous relationships with current partners - they really don't need to know! But don't go on blaming yourself - none of it is your fault.
Thank you so much for absolutely everything you said in your comment, I cried grateful tears reading and rereading it. I can't explain what this kind of support meant to me. The thought of PTSD has been running through my mind too, but I never wanted to suggest that I deserved to call myself somebody who was traumatized, and seeing that you mentioned it was really helpful. Thank you for everything you said, truly truly grateful.
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