OCD Ruining Dates

[Winchester2022]

OCD has ruined dates for me in the past. I'm at the beginning of a potential relationship with someone now. We've been out once, and have plans to meet again soon. I need some refreshers on techniques, like mindfullness and exposure, to relieve OCD symptoms. I don't want OCD this for me like it has other relationships and potential relationships.

My situation is a bit complicated- I have a daughter who is 17 and have lived with her mom for the past 7 years mainly as friends. We decided not to get a divorce while our daughter is under 18 to not stress her out and to not distract her from school. My daughter's mom and I don't have an open relationship or anything- it's more of a don't ask don't tell policy for now.

The obsessions I am having right now revolve about not being able to chose a place to go on the new date. With respect to each place, I worry about the chances that my daughter (who doesn't know the nature of the relationship dynamics with me an her mom) will see me out on the date. There is a part of town with nice restaurants and places to walk where I want to go on a date, but my daughter sometimes goes on a date their with her boyfriend. It's still kind of OCD though for me to worry about it because my daughter isn't there often.

These obsessions make it hard for me to communicate with my new friend (I'll call her Sarah) since my mind is always debating in the background on where we should go and what places are safe and which are not, and whether or not I should even be letting this get to me. I connected with Sarah on a deep level already, and it would be rough on me if I messed this up. Any tips are greatly appreciated.

[deValentin]

It’s not easy to face reality, but what’s the choice? The reality is a risk-free environment doesn’t exist, and the more time you spend debating in your head, the less time you can devote to your new friend or other valuable interests. A part of your brain believes not everything is lost if the worst-case scenario happens as long as you make the best possible choices given the information available at the time. You need now to persuade the other part (probably the limbic system) by not letting anxiety make you believe the opposite, such as it’s the end of the world if you don’t get the perfect answer to your worries. Response Prevention is not easy first, but it gets better with time.

[Winchester2022 in reply to deValentin]

Thank you! This is very helpful. Can you clarify the part about "response prevention". E.g. what is the response prevention in this case?

[Winchester2022 in reply to deValentin]

The other thing I wanted to mention is that the OCD with dates isn't just about worrying my daughter will see us. I also get superstitious about things like going a date to a place where I previously went on a date with someone else. I'll feel like I'm disrespecting my current date by doing that.

[deValentin]

Exposure and Response Prevention or ERP is so far the best proven treatment for OCD. When your OCD is pushing you to avoid something because of a superstitious belief or to find a perfect order or an indubitable answer to the question that’s presently tormenting your mind, you "just feel the urge and do nothing”. That’s ERP. You ride the wave of anxiety and don’t give in to it. It’s hard work first, but to make decisions based on evidence, common sense and your real values helps. Habituation naturally lessens your anxiety after a while. Your prefrontal cortex knows it’s a reasonable risk, but your limbic system is overreacting to the possibility of the worst-case scenario. There is an interesting article in Psychology Today on that topic: Two Parts of the Brain Govern Much of Mental Life (Posted November 5, 2021). If you google ERP, you'll find very good videos that explain it.

[deValentin]

In your case, Response Prevention means choosing a place after spending time deliberating no longer that an OCD-free person would in the same situation. Intuitively, you probably know when deliberating becomes excessive and futile, otherwise I don't think you would have felt the need to send the post.

[Winchester2022 in reply to deValentin]

Thank you this is spot on. So the response prevention is limiting the deliberating on where to go. I assume the exposure part is just go somewhere and not avoid a place do to fear/superstition? So exposure in general does the opposite of what the OCD urge is- e.g. if the urge is to check locks, the exposure would be to purposely leave them unlocked? In my case it seems the obsession is not to do something, but to avoid something as well as to mentally deliberate, so the exposure would be do that thing (pick a place and go there) and then not deliberate.

[deValentin in reply to Winchester2022]

Exactly. It's like the song Turn! Turn! Turn! by The Byrds. There is a time to check and a time to stop checking, a time to deliberate and a time to decide, a time to take precautions and a time to take risks, etc. 😀

[Winchester2022 in reply to deValentin]

Thanks! Good analogy!

[Sallyskins]

Surely it would be best to be open with your daughter about your situation with your wife and your new relationship. I'm sure she's guessed quite a lot already, in any case.

It's good that you're thinking of your daughter, and of course children do feel it deeply if their parents break up, but she's almost grown up and it's better to be as honest as you can be with her, without oversharing the details (children really don't want to know the details of their parents' sex lives - like just don't go there!)

It's only good manners not to flaunt new relationships in front of ex partners or your kids, and better if they don't find out by accident. So all the more reason to be open, and to go somewhere reasonably neutral.

And it's best to be open with 'Sarah' about all this - explain the situation about your wife and daughter. Apart from the honesty you owe her, she is going to know that you are going to have a history of past relationships, emotional baggage etc.

So it's best to just take the plunge and make a date with Sarah. Choose somewhere you both feel comfortable. Make sure you talk to your daughter (best if you do with with your wife and both explain together - and neither put any blame on the other) and add that you are going on a date with someone new. Best not to tell your daughter where you are going to meet - she could turn up with a friend or boyfriend just out of curiosity!

The more you go over this in your mind the worse it gets. It's as though each thought is another brick until you've built yourself a wall that feels impossible to get over. As I said, I'm sure that your daughter knows at least something about your relationship with her mother and it is unlikely that it will come as a big surprise to her.

And make sure that you're upfront with Sarah about your home situation. It's not likely to put her off. And may it go well for you both!

[Weeping_Willow in reply to Sallyskins]

I agree with this too. And honesty is the best policy as they say as a whole weight will be lifted off both situations.

[Winchester2022 in reply to Sallyskins]

I appreciate it!