I went out on a date with a girl for the first time about a month ago, and had been trying for the last month to get a second date. Yesterday it finally happened. We ate and went to her place after. We kissed but did not have sex. I was having a lot of ocd the whole time making it hard to stay present. She mentioned several times something about her mother getting worried about her for reasons I thought were unrealistic, so at one point, without thinking, I said something like "you have a bit of OCD" or "you may have a bit of OCD". She was immediately very hurt and started to pick up her purse and get ready to leave (implying that I too needed to leave), and said "I didn't think it would end like this". I got sad when I realized I hurt her and told her it was intended just as a lighthearted joke, and that I had no intent to hurt her. I also told her how I had OCD and how I still have it sometimes (I didn't want to go into too much detail since it was only our second date). I think she could see that my voice was sad as I was talking to her and that I felt bad. We ended up talking for another five or ten minutes about other things before we parted ways, and she texted me an hour later saying she had a great lunch with me and put two hearts next to it. Should I again apologize by text, or will that just remind her of it? I feel horrible.
Thanks
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Winchester2022
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One 'glitch' is no big deal. It happens to everybody. You didn't mean any harm. The best thing to do is to learn from the incident and move on. However, if it happens frequently, this casts a cloud over the future of the relationship. Just my humble opinion.
Thanks. So would you leave it at that, or should I apologize again? I don’t remember if I specifically said sorry to her yesterday or of I just said I didn’t mean it in an offensive way.
It's up to you whether you choose to apologize again, but, if I were in your position, I wouldn't because it would mean you're not trusting that the first apology fulfilled its intended purpose. Do you have a reason to believe that or does it stem from a lack of self-confidence? People suffering from OCD have to be careful with the need to repeat things (checking, reading, saying something, confessing, cleaning, etc.) because they can't be absolutely sure the first time was good enough. It would be better if they asked themselves whether the need to repeat is justified instead of relying on how they feel in the moment and chasing a 'just right feeling'.
One way to keep the urge to repeat behaviors at a reasonable level is to lower the stakes. If I clean myself in a reasonable manner and fall sick (not likely) because my shower was not long enough, so be it. I rather be sick rather that 'living in hell' because of OCD. If I treat a person nicely (and a judicious spectator would agree with me), and that person doesn't think it's 'nicely enough', so be it. I rather be alone than constantly tormenting myself about how best to please someone else. That's my philosophy in any case.
On another note, some people are highly offended by the sentence 'I'm a little bit OCD' or 'you have a bit of OCD' because they say it trivializes OCD. In my opinion, it doesn't because OCD manifests itself by degrees like most mental disorders. One can be severely affected by OCD (clinical OCD), and it can vary with the same individual from day to day, or less affected (subclinical OCD).
Thank you this is very helpful. My desire to appologize is probably just an anxious one to get the just right feeling. The problem was I didn't remember if I even appologized the first time, but that's probably an obsession too because I know I tried to explain to her that I didn't mean it in an offensive way which is most likely good enough, and we texted each other afterwards on a positive note.
I wouldn't mention it again unless she brings it up. You didn't say it purposely to offend her, but when you realised it had you apologised and moved on. She may be sensitive about it because she may actually suffer with something similar aswell, but I wouldn't mention it again unless she does.The fact she texted is a good sign, so forget it and move on. I hope you meet again for a 3rd date! Good Luck! 👍
Be careful how you joke about OCD! Jokes are a great way of bringing humour in and they help to undermine the OCD. But so many of us are fed up with people who say, 'I'm a little bit OCD' or accuse others of OCD if they're neat and tidy etc.
If she has OCD, you may have hit a raw nerve. Admitting that you have it might have helped to exculpate you. Of course, it's possible she hasn't got OCD and just thought you were being critical.
Don't apologize again - leave it alone, as you've already apologized. One can over-apologize - I don't know if you know the Monty Python sketch where the restaurant manager goes into spasms of apology when the customer asks for a clean fork as the one given him is dirty!
It sounds as though the date actually went pretty well - I don't think she would have put hearts in her text if she didn't like you. It could be that she wanted to let you know that she was OK with your apology.
hi. Since many answered your question I’m going to ask about something I noticed in your post. Maybe it’s because I’m a mom but the response to the joke (granted it may be considered a bad joke) isn’t sitting right with me. You have OCD…what are her feelings towards people with OCD, mental health, mental illness in general? I believe it’s an important question for everyone to ask. Are people choosing not to speak about mental health when dating?
Hi. I think that's a good question. Do you mean she should not have been that offended? Are you thinking she may have negative feelings towards people with OCD or mental health issues in general? I am not sure to be honest what her opinion is in general about people with OCD or other mental health issues. I did tell her that I had OCD and still do to a lesser extent. I'm hoping she doesn't think less of me because of that.
I’d ask her about her feelings about mental health issues. The joke may have been a little bad but her response seemed extreme to me. Would she have ended a date if you had said “what are you blind?” If she couldn’t see the tiny print of a menu? Or “are you deaf?” If she couldn’t hear the words of a song playing in the background? Yes all of these are jokes made in poor taste but would some end a date. If she has an issue with mental health struggles she’s not worth you wondering if she really forgives you for a bad joke because she’s a bad person (in my opinion). Wishing you well 🩵
She’s the only one who can explain her response. People in the OCD community, including OCD specialists, don’t like the phrase a little OCD. I recently heard an OCD expert say that the D in OCD stands for disorder. You either have the disorder or you don’t. It would be speculation as to why your comment hit a raw nerve though. I’m wondering about the purpose of your rehashing the doubt about the acceptance of your apology. Are you seeking reassurance? If so, you may want to address that since excessive reassurance seeking is a compulsion which feeds OCD.
That's a great point about the excessive reassurance checking, as that's very much something my OCD causes, which drives me round the bend.
Like Winchester2022 said, I always worry about saying the wrong thing and then I ruminate afterwards, at night time of just later that day, to check if what I said was acceptable or not, or if I forgot to say something I should have mentioned.
I definitely get annoyed when people say 'i'm a bit OCD', or 'It's just my OCD kicking in', as I will then ask if they have diagnosed OCD, to which the response is usually a resounding no. It definitely trivialises it for those of us who suffer - and I emphasise that term - with it on a daily basis. Whilst it's great that alot of people are accepting of it, it can be quite annoying when people make statements like that or are dismissive.
It's an interesting post, as I dread the prospect of going back in to the dating scene because of all the stress that entails. Meeting new people and having to start all over again is exhausting. I don't know if I'll be able to do that, but I ain't getting any younger. The thought of having to share with people details of mental health or physical health conditions is terrifying, as alot of people sadly judge on those things, regardless of how open minded or tolerant they claim to be.
Winchester2022, keep us posted on how the dates go - fingers crossed, but it does sound positive from what you've already said.
I appreciate your help. Update: I asked her yesterday night if she'd be interested in continued meets and she said yes. She then said: "I just hope you don't think I'm OCD!" !
I'm wondering why this would still be on her mind? I wouldn't have brought it up again had she not mentioned it. My response was:
"I don't think you have OCD!That was meant as a light hearted joke, but I realize it might not have come across that way. I'm sorry for making it. I did have OCD, and sometimes I still do. It was mostly a burden, but it did help me in some ways, like making me want to try extra hard to understand things. Stanley Kubrick probably had it too, since he made actors repeat lines hundred of times." (we are both into film and both like Stanley Kubrick)."
No response from her on this, although she does often take days to get back to me. I tried to make concrete plans this evening for a next meet, and am waiting to see what she says on that too.
It's hard to go wrong with a visionary Director like Stanley Kubrick (unless that person is the late great Shelley Duvall), as he could get some amazing performances from his actors, like Vincent D'Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket!
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