OCD about Non Monogamy

[Winchester2022]

The dating world with dating apps and casual dating is very convenient, but it plays into my ocd.

I have a long distance relationship with a lady from Canada for only a few months, and just met a new lady who I really like from my area. There is also a lady I’ve dated on and off for years who used to be my art teacher. I only see her a couple times every few months though. All three of them have their own uniqueness and appeal.

My interactions with the Canadian and art teacher are too infrequent to be monogamous with either I think. I do feel some guilt, though, over having multiple relationships. Is it possible to have several relationships simultaneously like this and be able fully engage and be present with each one while you are with them? The OCD comes into play because I am not fully present with either lady because I tell myself that one of the other ladies is drawing my attention away. Another example is say I told a story while on a date with one of them, I'll tell myself now I've already told the story to one, so it wont come off as me being interested in what I'm saying if I retell it again.

I want to feel like each person I'm in a relationship with is getting fulfilled from it. The other night right after I dated the new lady I got a text from the Canadian lady for the first time in a few weeks. I felt my response was a bit unenthusiastic since my mind was on the new lady and the date we just had, and I hope the Canadian lady didn’t notice. I feel like I’ll be losing out if I give up on any one of them, though- especially if either of the other relationships don't last which I hope they do. I also don’t want this to be a work distraction.

Any tips on managing a situation like this- both from an OCD and practical perspective?

Thanks!

[aparente001]

I guess one possible option would be to pursue a variety of platonic relationships, and only one romantic one at a time.

[Sallyskins]

A lot of old phrases come to mind - having one's bread buttered both sides, having your cake and eating it etc. I think for a start you could be honest with these women and yourself.

Casual relationships are one thing - and 'friends with benefits' are another thing - and committed monogamous relationships yet another. But these relationships don't really come into any of these categories.

I don't think that OCD is the problem here. If this sort of set-up works for you and for them - great. But it doesn't sound as though you're really interested in committing to any of them.

I think it only fair that you let each woman (and please refer to women as 'women' and not as 'ladies'!) know how she stands with you and that you have other relationships on the go.

And have the courtesy to give each of them all your attention when you're with her. If that's not possible for you, then don't string her along. And don't describe any of these relationships as a work distraction - surely these women deserve better than to be dismissed as that.

I'm afraid that if you behave as if you're in a French farce you're liable to find yourself in some awkward situations. And the problem with trying to keep so many relationships going all at once is that you're likely to lose them all.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you for your advice. Regarding the work distraction part of my post, I did not mean I am dating to distract myself from work. I meant that the relationship issues are the work distractions.

It makes sense not to have my mind too many places at once. The problem is, though, that if I chose to be with only one of these women, then I'd be tied to a relationship where I am meeting someone once a month or less, and I don't think that's a healthy relationship to have. It's possible that one day one of these relationships will become something more, but for now these are infrequent meets. So, I think my only option is to see where things go with each of them and maybe one day have something with only one. I am sure each of them is at least speaking with other men, and this is all normal for dating. I do agree that it's good to be open with all of them.

I hope to get your take on an aspect of my thinking about all of this which I do think is clearly OCD. I believe it's OCD based on my history with OCD: I realized today that a fundamental problem here is that I frequently feel like if I have a relationship with any woman it will take away my energy for my passions - in my case skateboarding and philosophy are two big passions of mine. In other words, I feel like it's an either or choice between having a relationship and keeping my passions for other endeavors. I think to myself there are so many people who excelled in their passions while having not just one, but multiple relationships. Then I think of other people, like Isaac Newton, who stayed celibate to be able to focus on their work. When the Canadian woman messaged me, she had asked about my skating, etc., and she showed some passion in her message. My response had no energy and said nothing specific that would have inspired further response- all I said was basically "work and skating are good, how is your work and school, what have you been up to?" The problem was that I had just been on a date five minutes earlier so my mind wasn't on my passions, and it would've been inappropriate to tell her right then of the date I was just on. So, is there a way to having engaging conversations with multiple people of romantic interest, or will focusing on more then one cause me to lose what I could otherwise talk passionately about?

Texting nowadays is an art and such an important part of a relationship. Did I ruin it with the Canadian woman by responding so boringly? We had plans to do another facetime call at the end of the month, and were also talking about meeting in the Spring in Canada (she is about a five hour drive from me). Should I just forget about the local girl and focus on the Canadian lady? I like them all so much. Today was just an anxiety filled day. I texted the local woman who didn't respond, even though on our date she had already been planning future meets. I don't know what to do!

Thanks again for your help. 🙂

[Sallyskins]

I don't think that men who have chosen celibacy have done so to concentrate on their work or interests. On the whole, it's because these men just aren't interested in sex. In the past, some women chose celibacy to concentrate on their work because marriage put so many legal as well as societal restrictions on them, and because without reliable contraception, it could mean multiple pregnancies - as often as one a year.

As for those men who managed to be creative while playing the field - I don't think it proves that much. There are plenty more men, and women for that matter, whose creativity has been bolstered and nurtured by one supportive partner.

It sounds as though you don't feel in the right frame of mind for a committed relationship. Remember, though, that a relationship - any relationship - is about giving as well as taking. One has to ask what these women are getting out of their relationships with you. Are they cool with your semi-detached attitude, or do they want something more? Are they waiting around miserably for what crumbs of attention you feel like giving them? I've been there, and done that.

There's no reason why being in a committed relationship should distract from your work or detract from your interests. If that isn't something you feel able to have at the moment, then at least be honest with these women. Explain to them that you like them and like being with them but want to keep it casual. Let them know if you don't want an exclusive relationship and want to be available and open to other offers. Then at least they'll know where they stand and can choose whether to continue with it.

On 'open' relationships, though - they don't always come without pain. I knew a couple many years ago who had an 'open' relationship - and they hurt one another repeatedly with their affairs. The husband was in pursuit of me at one point, though I didn't reciprocate the attraction - the 'open' nature of their relationship didn't stop his wife turning up on my doorstep in quite a state. Fortunately I could reassure her that nothing was going on. They later split up.

Sort out what you really want and be honest. Just remember that in keeping so many plates spinning at once, you may drop the lot.

[Winchester2022 in reply to Sallyskins]

"Just remember that in keeping so many plates spinning at once, you may drop the lot." I agree that this advice makes practical sense. On someone's suggestion, I am now reading "The Ethical Slut" which takes the view point that monogamy was designed for times when we worked the fields and had to deal with shortages (and families couldn't survive unless both husband and wife were committed to one another). Birth control also didn't exist when monogamy was being most heavily promoted. There is logic to the reasoning that now, with modern science and surplus, there is no need to "imprison" women and men into monogamy. However, I still think that there is validity to points like yours. Even from a psychological perspective, having to focus on too many people causes too much mental noise- at least for me.

It's a very tough life decision about what kind of relationship I want to have. I used to have a crush on a girl from the time I was 10 until I was 20, and I refused to date anyone else. When I finally got the courage to approach her, she had been taken. I lost years of my life in being committed to one person mentally. So, monogamy has it's benefits (e.g. less mental energy is needed to focus on one person), but it has it's draw backs as well (if you are monogamous with someone and it doesn't work out, you may have lost years of your life).

Thanks for helping me deal with this struggle. It hasn't been resolved yet, but I'm making progress.

[Sallyskins in reply to Winchester2022]

There are no hard and fast rules about monogamy. Some people find their one true love when they're very young, and stay together; some play the field and experiment a bit before settling down; others don't settle down.

There are commitment-phobes of both sexes, but on the whole it's men to try to have their cake and eat it - having a little wifey at home to take care of them with side orders of extra-marital sex - perhaps mainly because society has allowed them to but punished women for doing the same. Traditionally it was expected of a wife that she'd just put up with it - but then she often had no choice with employment options and earnings so limited for women.

I don't think it helps to think of relationships in terms of pros and cons - how much it costs you mentally, physically and emotionally (and monetarily) - trying to weigh up what works best just doesn't work! It's best to go with your emotions while being sensible about it.

For many - most, I think - monogamy is the best option, whether you're legally married to your partner or not. Couples grow together - or grow apart, split up and often find new partners. It's best to keep an open mind (and heart) and go with what works for you at that particular time, as long as you don't mess others around.

It sounds as though you aren't committed to any of these women. As long as you make sure they know where you stand, that's all right - but please don't mess them around! Don't let them think you're serious about them, or that they're the one and only, if they're not. Let them choose.

I don't think that relationships that don't work out are wasted. It's always a learning curve and you can take to your next relationship what you've learned from previous ones. It's all experience.