A month ago I was at a local YMCA playing pickup pickleball and ended up partnering with a teenage girl for a few games. She's new to the game and shows extreme natural talent; she accepted some advice from me and her game improved even more.
I suggested a local instructor and a pickleball club she could join if she was serious about competing. Others pickleballers were helping and encouraging her too.
Last night I saw her again and she was with her mother; I introduced myself to the mother and told her what a talent her daughter was and that she should be competing, I gave her information about this instructor and a club close by she could join if she was serious about the game. The mother was very appreciative. We played a few games and had good time.
When the night was over I walked out with a 20-something male partner I had just played with. I'm friends with his father. I said to him that the mother was "very nice, attractive." He didn't say anything in response like 'I agree, or yeah she's nice.'
We then talked about other pickleball stuff for a while and parted good company.
Nothing about the evening seemed out of the ordinary.
So I'm driving home and that OCD SOB in my head starts to wonder if I should have mentioned that the girl's mother was attractive. I hear women all the time say "that guy's cute, or he's really nice" and I think nothing of it.
But in today's world, new mores and social media are teaching us not to mention someone's looks because it is never relevant. I see girls and women having more leeway to break this rule than boys and men. It seems all men these days are framed with the label of toxic masculinity. If something is wrong in the world just blame it on men.
SO My OCD flared up on the drive home because this young man may be dialed into this new code of social conduct. My OCD also has me wondering if I said anything wrong when speaking to the mother and daughter. My OCD subsides a little bit because everything is on video at the facility. I prefer being in public places where there's video.
The video capture would see me keeping a little bit larger social distance from these ladies than with men.
MY OCD centers around being falsely accused of something horrible and Real Event OCD where I worry if I said something wrong to offend someone or get myself in trouble.
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RUtalkingtome
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Describing this woman as 'nice, attractive' is not toxic masculinity! It's all right for a man to like a woman for her niceness, and comment that she's attractive.
It may well be the person inside that matters, but we notice and comment, whether internally or to others, on other people's appearance. And most of us take appearance into consideration when picking a sexual partner - I know I have, in spite of my mother's adjunctions that 'it's the person inside that matters'!
I can assure you that women don't put the label of 'toxic masculinity' on all men - and I speak as a feminist! It's something that we reserve for the downright sleazy or abusive. And though I don't know you, apart from this forum, you don't sound in the least bit sleazy or abusive.
It's possible that your 20-something male friend didn't say he agreed, simply because you were referring to a woman somewhat older than he is, and to him, she's too old to think of as attractive. Quite often, younger men go for older women, but perhaps he doesn't, or maybe she simply isn't his type. Don't overthink it.
It sounds as though you were just friendly and helpful to this mother and daughter. Nothing to worry about - all perfectly innocent.
I understand what you mean even as a feminist, I try to hold a lot of empathy for men but I also feel women are often not empathized with by men so it creates a sort of circular function. Some are over reactive as women, I also as a woman was told I harassed men, and when I complimented a woman’s looks one time and said her partner was lucky to have her I got a nasty message in response. Sadly some people do consider compliments to be flirting even if you aren’t. It’s hard to walk on eggshells. I also over analyze and worry about stuff too. I try to tell myself “maybe, maybe not”. I agree no group wants to be labeled as something and it’s hard to not be toxic but also still be called toxic. I do think men commit most if the violence but we can’t condemn every man and also not every woman because it does backfire and become a self fulfilling prophecy. Peace
This sounds like classic OCD to me. You know in your heart you did nothing wrong, but your OCD is nagging you with the, "what ifs".
I don't know if this helps, but a long time ago I heard the phrase, "Offense can never be given. It can only be taken.". You didn't mean to cause offense in your statement and you aren't in control if someone does. Just because someone says they are offended, doesn't mean they are correct. Remember that OCD is a liar and a bully and tells us the opposite of what is true about ourselves. From that I can reasonably conclude that you are a very kind and respectful person who actually cares about other people.
If it were me, I'd trust the voice in myself that said, "I know what the truth is.". From my experience, there are usually two voices in my head when it comes to OCD. There is the OCD voice that is very loud and says, "YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NOW!" and a smaller voice that says, "I know what I did wasn't a big deal. This whole thing is silly". I've been trying to trust the smaller voice. Over time it's gotten easier to ignore the louder one.
I'm sorry you're having an OCD spike at the moment and hope you find the peace you deserve in your life my friend. God bless you.
This is exactly that. The two voices... My OCD is always turned to the past. What if I would have done something (extremely) wrong ? And the problem is that most of the time, it is impossible to double-check. Anyway, any try to check increases the obsession. I just have to live with these thoughts.
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