This is a long story;
I’ve been masturbating about every other day between the ages of about 3-5 years old. I do not recall having knowledge of sexual language/acts. As I was masturbating, I was inconsolable and looked as if I was concentrating, although sometimes I’d give my mum a certain ‘look’ indicating I was uncomfortable with her attention. The goal of masturbation was always to get an orgasm and I would not stop until I got it, even if it was to do my favourite thing in the world. I tended to masturbate at home when the television was on &/ I wasn’t engaged in anything. I recall feeling bored/numb much of the time and not seeing the point in social interaction and many pursuits that would be considered enjoyable by others, but I had plenty of happy moments too.
I have a memory of feeling sad as I was masturbating and I think I was 4-years-old. There is another more detailed memory of masturbation from when I was 4/5-years-old and I recall what television show and song was playing in the background. I feel a bit saddened when listening to the song, and a lot of songs from my childhood, for that matter. My mum looked at me in concern and asked if I was okay. I felt scared that she was going to find out the meaning of what I was doing and get really cross. I also felt sad and ashamed about what I was doing and had a strong feeling that others my age weren’t doing it.
My dad told me that he gave me a smack on the bottom once when I was 3-years-old, while I was ‘in a hustle’ (masturbating) and wouldn’t look and talk to either him or my mum and wouldn’t go to eat dinner, so maybe that’s partly where the shame comes from.
I also remember being uncomfortable with kissing my mum and sister on the lips since I was 3/4-years-old, and felt unwanted sexual urges when it came to kissing my mum. I would wipe her kiss away right after and she would ask “why did you do that for?”. I soon learnt that I had to please her and that I had to pretend to be fine with it, as I didn’t really get a choice. I was also reluctant to hug her but I would give in coldly when she said that’s what she wanted.
When I started school, masturbation became less frequent and I was happier overall due to the structure and more social interactions and I felt better about masturbating. As a 6-year-old, I would picture myself in a beautiful red dress as a 20-year-old, sometimes with a potential male partner. While I was masturbating and I felt like a ‘lady’ rather than a child. I had come up with a name for the effect that masturbating had on me which I would call ‘butterfly’, as it felt really blissful and as I’d orgasm, it was like a butterfly had finally spread its wings to fly. I do not recall imagining any scenario whilst masturbating before I was 6.
Not long after I started puberty, at 9-years-old, I started having thoughts about kissing an adult in my life and both of us being naked at the beach. I had grown to hate her, mostly due to these unwanted thoughts and I hated having them but couldn’t control these “flashes” which her the same and very brief every time. They would come on if she was sitting close to me, I could smell her stinky breath or if I heard a ‘sad song’ which reminded me of what I was going through at that point in time. I would sometimes masturbate to the point of orgasm, when she was next to me.
I don’t think I have been through a more difficult time in my life, as I was suicidal and too scared and ashamed to describe these thoughts and feelings. I thought I was ‘horrible’, ‘disgusting’ and too young to be having sexual thoughts and feelings. I felt that everyone would find out and have hatred, judgement, anger and/or disgust towards me. I did not enjoy these thoughts and feelings at all and they are probably the worst I have had in my life, as there can be a huge element of shame and fear in feeling intense pleasure in that part of the body due to thoughts/feelings one despises.
When I was 10-years-old, I started to feel somewhat okay about my sexual thoughts/feelings but I was still quite sad, I still felt like a pervert and that something was wrong with me. I would picture what other girls’ genitals looked like (still do) and I still felt shame and self-blame if I accidentally saw someone’s private parts. I had thoughts about engaging in sexual acts with other girls, but I didn’t feel particularly pleasured or upset about them at that point.
By the time I was 11-years-old, I started having sexual fantasies involving two other people I admired. I still exhibit the pattern of not inserting myself into my fantasies. I started developing celebrity/character crushes which tend to last for a few/several years, but I do not experience attraction towards anyone except that crush.
I don’t want a relationship and I have been adamant about it since I was 9/10-years-old, but I do want them to be in a relationship/sexual encounter. I would often wish that I was that person, although I’m also quite happy being me. I don’t see a reason to pursue a relationship as I like being on my own, I’m introverted, crushes are rare for me, the thought of me in that situation disgusts me and I feel invalid for that type of contact, I feel averse to being touched that way or touching someone else in that way and I like to be in control of my sexual urges. I did have a tendency in my early twenties to talk about sexual desires and considered a relationship and casual sex, but found I was too scared to carry it through, hence I have never had any romantic/sexual encounters. I was generally considered innocent and conservative throughout adolescence and most of adulthood. I do feel sensitive when overhearing many discussions relating to sex/romance and when asked about whether I am dating, I feel defensive, upset and objectified and I don’t want others viewing that as a possibility for me.
I consider myself on the asexual spectrum with lesbian tendencies, and I am still questioning my sexuality as I can never be sure, but I’m also trying to figure out a disorder/cause/name for what I have been experiencing and I wish for similar experiences to be much more recognised as I generally don’t find anything online about much of this.
Thank you for reading! 🙂
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