would you know if you had assaulted somebody in the past

[S_hara]

I’ve been having a lot of false memories lately, it’s been keeping me up at night and having me cry throughout the day.

First, over a week ago, I woke up with the thought „did I touch my badminton trainer inappropriately?“ and I started getting images of me doing so even though I could never actually recall doing that. It felt very real and ruined my Christmas. My trainer had never had any problem with me and I’ve only been there a few times already, I’d probably remember if I had done that.

Then, right the day after, I woke up with the thought „did I wake up during the night and go downstairs and hurt my dog?“, however, I couldn’t recall doing so either but I was afraid that I had just forgotten it due to tiredness or something. I could recall almost everything from the night and based on evidence and from what I can recall I woke up once and instantly went back to sleep bc I didn’t want to get up to go to the toilet. But I kept getting images of me doing so and they made me feel so horrible I had to contact some online service for people who don’t feel well.

And then right the day after that, while just normally thinking, I got an image of me doing sth even worse to another human being. I don’t even want to go into details bc it’s such a horrible thing. I immediately started to try and tell myself „that never happened, you’d remember if you had done sth this horrible“, but the more I thought, the more it got stuck in my brain. It was on my mind 24/7 for two days straight. I started thinking about ending my life because I felt so horrible. I kept getting those images. I also started to be like „but I can’t even remember what was supposed to happen before that and after that, to do this you’d have to have done sth different which you KNOW you have never done. You were always afraid of even getting into a one meter radius of this person. It doesn’t make sense, it’s just a false memory. Forget about it….. but what if? I’d be a terrible person.“ and then this all goes in a circle again. Those supposed memories are only a few months up to one year ago and I always knew I hadn’t hurt this person EVER. I always stayed away from them due to my intrusive thoughts etc. I couldn’t even touch them for one second. But my brain keeps mixing up memories from other things. For example, it’ll use my memory of my mother doing sth or telling me to do so to tell me that this is what I did back then. I can’t actually recall doing so, it feels like my brain is mixing all of my memories up. There’s more evidence like reassurance from that person etc but I keep doubting if they may just have forgotten about it and since that still wouldn’t be a forgivable crime I can’t stop doubting it. It’s sth I’d never do and I never recalled doing.

is it possible to just forget about a horrible crime in a few days or even less? Because I never could recall going away from this person knowing I had hurt them.

[Puppydog2222]

Hiya S_hara & Happy New Year!! ❤️

Reading through your post has really reconciled with some things which I have felt in the past and I agree that it is the most awful feeling, it leaves you feeling like the most terrible person in the world and can takeover your mind & life while having these thoughts!

But it is OCD, it is not real, you have NOT done these things, the worst part about OCD is that it clings on to the things you love the most and makes you believe that you would do things, that are absolutely against your morals. They really are false memories and are using the things you are totally against, to make you feel like this awful person, which you are not. I myself have avoided people at the thought of I may have hurt someone or upset someone and I have seeked reassurance too, and although difficult, this doesn’t always help but I understand you may need that reassurance to put your mind at ease. Ask yourself, would your dog come up to you the next morning wagging their tail if you had hurt it the night before? Would your badminton trainer still want to train you and be nice to you if you had touched them inappropriately? You have not done these things.

Please do not torture yourself over things that are not real, I promise this comes from a person who understands and has done the same multiple times, it sadly has ruined your Christmas but do not let this ruin your new year, it’s not true, it’s not real and it certainly means nothing about you as a person ❤️

Feel free to reach out anytime if you feel you need too, sending love - it can get better ❤️

[deValentin in reply to Puppydog2222]

A critical question in handling OCD is to determine how much reassurance to give. OCD is a doubting disease. People with OCD seek reassurance because they hope (against hope) that more reassurance will end their doubts. That’s an error of judgment. The more they seek reassurance beyond a reasonable point, the more reassurance they need to seek because eliminating all possibilities of doubt, which is not possible, becomes their only hope to return to a normal life. So, a loop is created.

You want to help somebody who suffered like you, and that’s commendable. However, if one tells somebody who is tormented with false memories “you have not done these things, they are not real”, one provides them with temporary relief, but, in the end, one fosters more reassurance seeking. People who are obsessed by the need to determine whether their memories are false or not, though their better judgment tell them they are false, need to be satisfied with good reasons (and no more) to dismiss their doubts in regard to the fictitious or imaginary nature of those memories. It’s hard work, it causes discomfort, it takes time, but research has proven that it works. You recognize to some extent that seeking excessive reassurance doesn’t help. I just wanted to support you in that belief. I know, from personal experience, how distressing and tyrannical is the chase for absolute certainty.

[Puppydog2222 in reply to deValentin]

Thank you for your response as that is really helpful to read. Something I have personally struggled with greatly over the years is how to determine if a memory is false or real, without the need for reassurance. I know this may sound silly in some ways but although I know it is OCD & false memories are real, I always find that I’m asking myself, ‘what if I am blaming the OCD, when in actual fact, it is real?’ And then I get myself really flustered because I always find that despite feeling around 90% that I know it is not true, I always have a niggle of doubt that maybe it wasn’t false and maybe it did happen, and I just can’t seem to let that go!

[deValentin in reply to Puppydog2222]

It’s not easy indeed to reconcile oneself with the possibility that one is “blaming the OCD, when in actual fact, the memory in question is real”. If you have a tender conscience, that possibility is going to disturb you to great lengths and that possibility cannot be completely eliminated. How to solve that dilemma? It’s a matter of finding ways for that possibility not to disturb you. If you think about it, you’ll find a lot of unpleasant possibilities that don’t torment you in an incessant manner. A meteorite could land on your house, a hacker could wipe out your bank account, etc. It's not probable, but it’s possible. The difference is when a doubt came to your mind about whether a certain memory was real or not, you probably reacted the wrong way. You tried to find unquestionable evidence that you were dealing with a false memory. That was a mistake, but you didn’t know it at the time. There is no unquestionable evidence, but we usually have enough evidence based on our senses and common sense to differentiate between a false and a real memory. The problem is that we’re sometimes not satisfied with reasonable evidence, we want more. It's when an OCD episode starts. In your case, you may have succeeded in putting this behind you thanks to ERP or other forms of CBT. You know you overcame OCD when the possibility you made the wrong call in differentiating what’s real and what’s not doesn’t unduly disturb you. I know it takes hard work and patience (discomfort subsides slowly) to content oneself with reasonable evidence to form a belief in that regard, and I commend you for your efforts.

[Puppydog2222 in reply to deValentin]

thank you, I definitely agree with what you are saying here, and i would 100% agree that I have a tender conscious!! - Thank you

[deValentin]

You hit the nail on the head when you said “the more I thought, the more it got stuck in my brain”. It’s why OCD thoughts are also called “sticky thoughts”. How to get rid of unwanted sticky thoughts? First of all, don’t fight them. Let them come and go like a stream of water. You might say: “If I don’t fight them, I run the risk of becoming the person I don’t want to become”. This fear comes from the fact that your self-confidence has been shaken because of all the turmoil you experienced lately. Faith in yourself returns slowly with positive experiences. Accept that there is no absolute guarantee about determining whether a memory is fake or not. Look at the evidence, use common sense and try to reach a tentative conclusion. You may feel discomfort dismissing unfounded doubts, but with the passing of time, this discomfort will subside. Ask yourself what kind of life you want to live 1, 2, 10 years from now and strive towards that goal. When you focus on what you really want to do in life, irrational thoughts don’t bother you as much, which enables you to better focus on what’s really important to you. It’s at least my experience. I hope this new year will be the start of happier times!

[S_hara in reply to deValentin]

I will try doing that, thank you for your help ❤️‍🩹

[deValentin in reply to S_hara]

You're welcome. Treating OCD is a work of determination and patience. Expect some relapses along the way, especially in times of stress. It's not a big deal. It's a matter of getting up again and not letting OCD prevent you from doing what you really want to do in life. That will boost your morale, and when morale is high, what used to bother you before without reasons don't bother you to the same extent.

[beth196]

this is so ocd. OCD is an enemy that will always win if you let it. The trick is to do erp and move on. You’ll never solve the puzzle. It’s an awful illness. Its insatiable. I take Prozac 80 and it greatly stops these loops. I need clonazepam till it clicks in.

[S_hara in reply to beth196]

The thing is that this would actually be a really horrible thing and though there’s 0 evidence and this scenario keeps and keeps on changing and lacks common sense and I obviously never remembered doing this even like 2 months after this supposedly would’ve happened, I just can’t let go of it bc I am scared that it may actually be real and trust me, that wouldn’t only be jail for a month. They prob wouldn’t even be able to put me behind bars bc I’m not 18 and honestly that just makes it all worse bc I’m all the way for the law and my fear is not just getting sent behind bars, it’s having to know you’re such a horrible person.