I wish I could have my old life back

[Alwayshopefull1]

I’m a 37 year old mom of a toddler. I have been dealing with ocd since February of this year and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. From fears of suicide to thoughts about my son. I know that these thoughts are meaningless. I know that all of them are caused by my excessive googling, YouTube, etc. I’m obsessed with having ocd.

I can deal with thoughts about myself but what is killing me are thoughts about my child. It hurts so bad to constantly be mental checking every time I look at him. It breaks my heart that he’s had to deal with a momma who has high anxiety and panic attacks. I miss my old self. I miss the pure joy of parenting. I miss just being a mom.

I just started the right therapy and medication and I hope it helps. I would do anything to have a clear mind. Never in a million years did I think I would be in the position I am in today.

Sincerely,

Heartbroken momma

[Skitch411]

I’m so very sorry. My heart breaks for you. I’m trying to help my daughter. I watch the struggle every day. Anyone struggling with this has my utmost respect and support. There just has to be an answer to this hell.

[Sallyskins]

One of the cruel things about OCD is that it likes to focus on what matters most to you - in this case, your son.

But OCD does fluctuate, so the odds are that you won't always feel this bad. The medication and the therapy should help - and though CBT is hard to do, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Don't be too hard on yourself - go at your own pace with it.

Medication can also make you feel worse before it starts working properly - but it should make a real difference after 4 - 6 weeks. I take sertraline, and I also take a low (5 mg) dose of aripiprazole which boosts the sertraline. Since I've been taking it (the aripiprazole) I've felt much more like my old self. (But if they offer you sulpiride, do not take it. It always, and I mean always, makes you put on weight.)

Children are pretty adaptable, so don't worry too much about the effect your OCD has on your son. Gradually, and with the right treatment, you can get back to enjoying being a mom again.

[deValentin]

What I find helpful in the fight against OCD is to distinguish between the end results of OCD and the momentary OCD urge. It’s obvious you don’t like its end results, but when an OCD thought appears, it’s difficult to set it aside. When an OCD urge emerges, it’s difficult to resist it. Sometimes to think about the end results helps to overcome the momentary appeal of OCD. I wish you the best on your journey towards an OCD-free life.

[Alwayshopefull1]

I’m trying to remain hopeful. Unfortunately, my ocd has been focused on the 2 worst subtypes that I can personally think of and it’s awful. It’s breaking my heart so bad. I went from fearing getting a certain subtype to full blown thoughts. I dont know how I’ll ever overcome this.

[111cas111 in reply to Alwayshopefull1]

Hey, as someone who has suffered from what I think you're talking about and has overcome it even though it felt like it would never end, I'm here to chat about it if you need to x theres no need to feel shame about the thoughts either as I assure you I've probably had similar if not exactly the same

[lml885]

Hi, I feel similarly about different things. I am around your same age. This may have to do with post partum issues and/or hormones. I have hormonal issues related to my cycle that I believe cause worsening OCD, as well as possible ADHD and PTSD that can make the OCD worse. I’ve pretty much done it all and I’m still struggling💿, but I know addressing these comorbid issues can help. I take a lot of natural supplements and interestingly stuff for your liver like NAC and milk thistle can help for OCD. Also mindfulness and meditation as well as distraction. I also use DBT therapy. I know what it is like to suffer from OCD for years and wish to have your old life back. There is guided meditation for OCD on YouTube.

[Natureloverpeace]

The good news is that OCD is treatable, you can learn to whip its butt with effective treatment. It’s hard work but the freedom is worth it. You’ve already mentioned what OCD has taken away from you. Get pissed at it and don’t settle until you get back what it took from you. ocdinfo.com is a new online directory that lists qualified OCD Specialists who are vetted by OCD experts for their licensure, education, training, background and expertise. It lists OCD Specialists in the United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Australia. Freedom from OCD by Jon Grayson, Ph.D. is one of the best books out there for explaining how OCD works and how you can have freedom from it. Grayson also explains common things people do for short-term relief but end up feeding the OCD cycle and making the OCD worse in the long-term. These are things that people do to neutralize or reduce their distress temporarily but these compulsions end up reinforcing the obsessions and distress so the person ends up doing more compulsions for short-term relief. Some examples are distraction, avoidance, excessive reassurance seeking, using logic, thought stopping and thought substitution.

[deValentin in reply to Natureloverpeace]

I like in particular the Gun Test proposed by Jonathan Grayson. The Gun Test is about imagining having a gun pointed at oneself and having one chance to give the right answer to a specific question like “Will this particular contamination kill your children?”, “Is the front door open?”. If the answer is wrong, the trigger is pulled. Most people would give the answers than non-OCD sufferers would. “The Gun Test is an aid to help you distinguish what you intellectually and logically know from what you feel” (Freedom from OCD, p. 12).

[Hidden]

i dont know if you believe in god but it helps me to think god has control of everything and protects children if you pray to him.

[Alwayshopefull1]

thank you everyone! I have been feeling better lately. I’ve started therapy and continue to take my lexapro. OCD is a bully and I recognize that. I take comfort in knowing what my morals and values were before this recent spike. I am learning to just treat the thoughts as symptoms of the disorder which is exactly what they are.