I was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago, I had sexual images and intrusive thoughts about a white coworker. It would last longer than a month or so, I would compulse and tell my boyfriend, obviously it would upset him. And it would cause strain in our relationship.
In recent times, I’ve had a thought that this black man was cute, and I told my boyfriend. He stated, that I have these thoughts often about black men, that it’s common for me to have these thoughts about them specifically. Which, would make him insecure.
Now, the thoughts wouldn’t go. I would look at patients at my job and wonder our age gap, I would look at guys at restaurants and see they had girlfriends.
My boyfriend of four years needed space from me, and hasn’t spoken to me in a week. I understand his decision. But now I’ve been telling my friends and sister my thoughts.
I’ve been having them all week, all in real time, I get scared to view men or be around them.
But I’ve been trying to tell myself that is what makes it worse! Do not avoid. Act normal.
Until yesterday, I was doing fairly okay and was actually feeling very pleased and happy. My sister and I walked out of a grocery store, I was shaking my protein drink up and down, I saw a black man walking, and I told myself to not be scared, so I looked at him, the issue was he looked back!
And that freaked me out even more cause then I thought what if he thought I was doing something inappropriate, what if I looked like I was seeking something out because I was shaking my protein drink(I didn’t even notice what I was doing until after)
I went into a spiral and I thought “what if I liked it? What if I liked them(this stranger?)
im very terrified of my thoughts, so I asked for reassurance from my sister and my friend. Now I’m afraid to even get out of the house. This OCD is attacking my daily life and my current relationship.
What do ya’ll do when stuff like this arises? I’m currently waiting on hearing back from therapy to start my exposure treatment and possibly Medication.
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Andthatsawrap
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Hi, I'm sorry u are going through this, the problem we do is we make ourselves in an endless cycle by questioning, avoiding, confessing (compulsions) ... never confess something to ur boyfriend he won't understand that u are having OCD. It's normal to look at ppl outside everyone does. It just shouldn't be a look that shows interest or for a long moment. - don't question urself too much sit with the discomfort of "maybe, maybe not"
- don't avoid anything.
- Acknowledge ur intrusive thoughts and focus again on what u were doing before the thought pops up in ur head .
- neverrrrr confess something about this to ur boyfriend. Ppl who don't have ocd won't understand it.
Unwanted intrusive thoughts, images or urges are common. They happen to everybody. What's important is how you deal with them. If you try to directly suppress them, you make them worse. You probably heard of the pink elephant paradox (a psychological phenomenon that describes how trying to avoid thinking about something can actually make it happen more often and more intensely). You need to acknowledge them, but let them go on their own.
One technique that works for me is to talk to my OCD. You've probably heard of people saying to their OCD, "leave me alone, I won't let you control my life, etc." and focusing on matters that are in line with their values. Some people are even rude with their OCD telling it to f... off. The idea is to foster a defiant spirit that is ready to do what's necessary to regain control of its life.
I carry that technique one step further. I tell my subconcious (or whatever is the seat of my irrational impulses) that it can't push me to do compulsions or ruminations, and then later on make me suffer because I can't find the peace of mind I'm looking for. It has to make a choice. Either I give in to its demands and it's okay if I can't find the long-term relief I'm seeking before the negative consequences (in your case, attacking your daily life and your current relationship) of that option start to catch up with me, or, if it's not okay, I refuse to give in to its demands. Invariably the second option prevails, and, with the passing of time, the urge of doing compulsions or ruminations fades away (exposure and response prevention, or ERP).
I found that has been the hardest part for me since I feel like I did something wrong, all week I was doing fine until this last event and it shook me because I overthought everything. Me shaking the protein bottle, them looking at me and I at them, and I felt the anxiety just forming in my stomach. It’s what made me think “maybe I liked it/or them” and I started gagging last night. Or I even thought what If I stared too long ? Etc etc
Let's say for the sake of the argument you did something wrong. Are you going to berate yourself on that account the rest of your life? The problem with moral scrupulosity OCD is that it blows things out of proportion. It magnifies an insignificant event, and doesn't see the greater damage that making a mountain out of a molehill does, especially after the deed is done, to the rest of one's life. If you dwell constantly on a relatively benign act at the expense of the other domains of your life and lose everything you hold dear, what incentive would you have left to live in line with your values?
Why can't you tell your OCD that it's okay to give in to its demands as long as it doesn't make you suffer in the long term as a consequence of that choice? You'll realize that it's not willing to go that far. It pushes you to excessively dwell on certain things as long as it believes you can do it with impunity. You weaken your OCD as soon as you resolutely make it face the real world.
I guess because it means I cheated on my partner and now we must end things, and it would kill me to do that to him and realize I’m a cheating girlfriend.
Your last comments are one way to weaken OCD. You carry the ocd reasoning to its extreme conclusion, and realize how ridiculous it is.
Example: if I touch that doorknob barehanded, I'll fall sick, I won't be able to work and take care of my children, they'll turn into criminals, my whole life will be ruined, etc.
I feel like when I defeat the other OCD thoughts then a “feeling” comes, right now I’m coming into a panic thinking “what if I created an inappropriate moment” when this stranger and I were looking at the other and I was shaking the protein shake, what if I created something sexual. And now I cheated, because I met remembering the feeling in my stomach that felt like anxiety but now my brain is thinking “no, you created that feeling and this inappropriate-sexual moment, you created tension with this stranger” is what my brain is telling me now cause I keep replaying the feeling and the moment of staring at that stranger and I did something. I’m trying not to panic but I feel Iike throwing up.
Let say you really did something wrong contrary to your values: you stole something, you did drugs, you had an affair, etc. Because you have a sensitive conscience, that will consume your thoughts to a great extent, you may even not be able to function normally for a while, and you'll be okay with the extent to which you're being disturbed by those reprehensible actions.
In your present situation, you're being greatly disturbed by a certain action, but you're not okay with the extent to which it's tormenting you and wreaking havoc on your life. Do you see the difference?
If you do something seriously wrong and you're disturbed by it, you're okay with being disturbed by it. You're not desesperate to regain peace of mind. It's okay to feel bad about your action. Feeling bad about it incites you to make amends and eventually regain some peace of mind.
If intellectually you know you didn't do anything seriously wrong and you're excessively disturbed by it, you're not okay with feeling disturbed by it to that extent. You find it ridiculous, but you can't help yourself. You're desperate to regain your peace of mind, and you wrongly think that dwelling on it and berating yourself will help you regain it. This is OCD.
Where does OCD come from? This is what I think, but I could be wrong. We experience all kinds of impulses in the course of a day, some we fully approve, others we feel ambivalent about.
Examples of impulses we fully approve: to help someone in need, to defend ourselves when attacked, to prepare a favorite meal, to seek a romantic relationship when single, etc. We approve those impulses whatever the future holds.
Examples of ambivalent impulses: it's okay to gamble recklessly as long as I win, it's okay to steal as long as I'm not caught, it's okay to smoke as long as I don't get cancer, it's okay to test my faithfulness or sexual inclination by purposefully exposing myself to temptations as long as I get the absolute certainty I'm looking for, etc.
If my approval of an impulse I'm giving in to depends on an uncertain future, of course I won't be able to rest until I get a more certain future. This is OCD. For instance, if I think it's okay to wash my hands 50 times a day as long as I ultimately become sure they are germ-free, of course I won't be able to stop until I get that certainty. If I think it's okay to torture myself mentally as long as I end up getting the absolute certainty I'm a faithful partner, of course I won't be able to rest until I get it.
I see that did help a bit! I stay stuck on a loop and the constant fear doesn’t go away, I guess because it feels so real(as if I really did cheat) especially with the tinge of anxiety I felt in my stomach(it made me believe the what if thoughts)
Hello. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're really having a difficult time with ROCD and I know how bad that can be. OCD is terrible and makes us believe the worst things about ourselves. The important thing to remember is that OCD is a bully and a liar and often tells us the opposite of what we believe. With that in mind, I can make the reasonable assumption that you are a kind and caring partner and that you care about the feelings of others a lot and would not betray their trust.
I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but what you describe sounds like classic OCD symptoms to me. The rumination on thoughts, "What if I liked it?"; What if they thought 'this' about me?" and the constant asking for reassurance. It's affecting your life and your relationships and you're doing the right thing by looking into medicine and therapy. The therapy will help you deal with OCD thoughts that occur in real time, but it will likely involve Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) strategies. ERP is the gold standard for OCD and involves you gradually facing what you fear and learning to accept the uncertainty. For example you may go out in public and if you have the OCD thought about someone you will just allow it to be there. You will try to not judge it, ruminate, or ask for reassurance and learn to relax "into" it. In the beginning this will be really difficult but overtime your brain will learn that this isn't something to fear and you will have less thoughts and they will be less intense.
OCD affects us and those around us. That's what forced me to seek help. I saw how it was, not only affecting me, but my wife and children too. I had to make treating my OCD the priority in my life since I didn't want them to suffer as well. It sounds like you are experiencing something similar. I don't know if this helps, but I put together a post a while ago for those just starting out detailing what I have learned on my journey. Maybe it will be of some use to you.
Thank you, for me the uncertainty are when the rumination thoughts come in because it makes me believe I already cheated , especially since I was shaking a protein bottle. And that made it worse to the point of gagging. And I get dizziness. That’s where the uncertainty gets me and makes me want to confess to my partner, even when I know the situation is small. It’s the action and the thoughts that came with it that brings me a lot of distain and discomfort. That’s what I don’t know what to handle.
Cause for me the other side of uncertainly means I cheated or I have committed this act, and that’s the part that causes stress. At least that’s what my brain is telling me
It's important to remember that OCD isn't a thinking problem; it's a feeling problem. The content of the thought doesn't matter and can be about anything. People with OCD often think if they can, "figure the thought out" then it will go away. This isn't the case though and another thought will eventually replace it.
For the physical symptoms, the medicine will likely help (I'm not a doctor though). I know that when I have a physical reaction I need to take a few moments to myself and perform some breathing exercises or relax. The medicine I'm taking does seem to make these less intense though.
I just feel like I’m about to throw up and I’m very lightheaded since I had the intrusive thoughts and they won’t go away, it made me feel like I cheated and I really just want the feeling to stop. I’m so dizzy right now
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I know I'm just someone on the Internet, but I really am. I know exactly how you're feeling. Your rational mind is saying, "I know the truth. This is not a big deal" but that voice is small. The loud OCD voice is screaming, "YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING UNFORGIVABLE AND MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW!". Just because it's loud doesn't mean it's right. Listen to that smaller voice.
Fighting the thoughts makes them stay around. Learning to accept them allows them to come and go as they please. It is hard but medicine and therapy make it easier.
I've commented today on several posts. It's really hard by not compulsing in this type of situation. I drove my husband crazy by doing this. Every time I told him something like this with the hope that it would relieve my anxiety, it did nothing but make it worse. Soon I started to HAVE to tell him (confess) every little thing that scared me, or any unpure thing that popped into my head. It was horrible. He was so wonderful that he listened but some of it was hurtful for him and it just made me worse.
When we compulsively do something, all we do is make it more intense. The "bully OCD" just loves it, and we are in a down spiral.
Sitting with uncertainty is the answer but it's not easy. Learning coping tools is also the answer. You can't do this alone. Find an OCD therapist to help you to find the tools that will work for you. Pretty soon, you will find that the tools will come to mind and you can learn to sit with the uncertainty and fight off those feelings. OCD will get tired of not getting anywhere with you and fade out. Not to say that it won't come back, but you will then have the tools to tell it to "get lost".
Thank you. I found that speaking out about it has helped manage my situation, and that others, like this community, validating it, has helped me realize that it is real what I have. Even though, in my mind, it tells me that this is me and my character. I know it isn’t. I have a psychiatrist scheduled in February and I have started medication(Lexapro). The medicine is helping a ton.
Because while I have been stuck on this same thought for over a week, I would reply the moment in my mind and try to figure out every detail. My boyfriend asked about the “what if I liked it” part that I told him. He said that if I have doubts about liking it then that means I must have liked it. I told him that’s what I thought too, but I realized that’s what OCD is, it’s a doubt that brings the trouble. I told him that I even let myself have the thought of “ I liked it” and when that thought popped up, it would repeat over in my head all day, until I fought it and told my mind “ I didn’t like it, I know I didn’t cause the thought of it made me gag a week ago( that was the day I started medicine.)
The only difference is I didn’t panic, and once I fought with that thought, it went away, and wouldn’t be as strong. And sometimes, this happens and sometimes it doesn’t, and that’s okay.
For example, I went to the same store today, saw another guy, he was the same race as the scenario above, and I was more hyper aware, and I wanted to prove that I could do it (not be scared) so I became conscious and looked, and they didn’t look at me, but I was smiling to myself and comforting myself telling my mind that it isn’t as scary. Then my mind said “ it looks like you’re seeking that other person” like trying to get to know them. Or that I’m cheating by doing this.
Then, I went to Ulta and it was a guy of similar race as well, but this time when I looked at them and was walking around the store, it was t as scary. And I didn’t feel fear, I was just…looking, like a normal person. And that felt nice for once. And I don’t know if it was because of the first store interaction helping me but, it felt really like growth. Even if it was small, then in the same parking lot, a guy was looking at me, but I looked away, and I didn’t stare, he was also similar race to the other guys, and I did have thoughts of “what if he spoke to me ?” And I would have a fake memory of giving my number. And when I sat and thought, again, it passed. And this was all in a span of today. It’s small steps, but feel so large in comparison with a week ago.
I’m just glad that I have others that understand too, and that I’m taking the steps in conquering this, cause I do deserve a life of peace, one where I don’t question my actions every time I’m out.
So thank you for your advices, I’m taking the rightful steps in my own therapeutic journey.
I know what you mean. It took me a long time to realize (with help) that because a thought goes fleeting by in my mind does not mean it's true. Thought go fleeting all the time and we don't really notice them but once we are in this cycle, every thing is sooooo important and must mean something (but it doesn't).
Mhm exactly! Especially becoming hyper aware, thank you though, I appreciate the advices and the validation. I just feel …better, and I know it’s the medicine. But! I will get better, this week is already loads better !
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Sick of the way Im feeling
suffering from OCD, with no support. Narcissistic mother 
