Mixed Messages from a Woman I am Interested In

[Maximus2019]

A few weeks ago I was out at a café that I like to go to once in a while and I noticed a woman who was attractive sitting across from me. I usually don’t approach people spontaneously, and I was nervous to do so, but eventually I started a conversation by asking her if she was the one I saw trying to learn to skateboard at the park the other day (this was just a pre-text). She said no, but she wants to learn. That led to a conversation which led to exchanging numbers.

We met a few days later for coffee and later for a drink. One of the first things she told me was that it was brave how I approached her. She is doing a master’s in psychology specializing in holistic counseling. I enjoyed the evening a lot- both because of the way we met, since I had to overcome my fear in approaching her, and also because speaking with her was so interesting given her background in psychology. We talked about the psychology of dating and of how to make someone want you, etc. One thing she told me (which I knew before), is that if the other person thinks your unavailable it will make them want you a lot more.

I ended up giving her a ride home and when we parked I started telling her a story and she put her hand on my arm. I then held her hand and she held mine. We didn't let go for about a minute.

The next morning she sent me a text saying “Thank you for your presence yesterday. I enjoyed the exploration with you.”

A few days later I asked her if she wanted to meet over the weekend. FIVE days later she responds by saying “Hola!! I’m going to be honest and express how I didn’t feel a spark when we went out. You seem like a really cool and adventurous person (which I admire) but something didn’t click. I hope you can understand us parting ways (she inserted a heart to heart emoji- I had to look up the symbol and it meant heart to heart talk).

I told her it was the opposite for me and I had one of the best times ever. I sent her a photo of me that I took right then with my new haircut and said “here is a parting picture for you”. By coincidence there was a light shining from a building behind me that made a spark right next to my face, and I said “There’s a spark for you too.”

No response from her, then a couple days later I sent her a message, half jokingly, asking if I could have an appointment with her if she starts practicing as a therapist. I also asked if I could come to the restaurant where she works at a time she’s not working there to treat her out. She suggested when we met that I come to the restaurant, and in my text I asked if that was still possible. I said that “it would be giving me a second chance”.

Around five days after that she responds and says:

“Hi Joe!! I hadn’t opened your messages until now. I like the picture you took (heart emoji), very genuine. I have a way of avoiding conversations and hyper focusing on my to-do list as a means of accomplishing that. I don’t think I could be your therapist since I know you from before that initial session jaja (she’s from Puerto Rico so says “jaja” instead of haha 😊)The ethics of the field kind of leans towards a clean slate. And yes, the way we met was special and I will remember it fondly. I think it’s a story of connection that ends hastily: and there’s nothing wrong with that. Always grateful for the adventure angle of ourselves that brought about a nice evening. The door is open at the restaurant for your visit, of course.

I sent her some boring text a few days later about how I fixed my bike and asked if she’d been doing anything outdoors lately. No response. This morning I asked when I can come visit her at the restaurant and inserted the emoji with the smiley face and hearts in the eyes. No response to that either.

Is she giving me mixed signals here, or am I just being too optimistic? Is she at least leaving things open to friendship? What’s my next move/s if any? I felt we had an emotional connection at some points, and if possible, I want to keep up that spark.

The OCD question here is that after she responded positively to my photo. I had something I wanted to tell her that I thought would've sparked emotions. I think it was about my desire for her or something about the way I felt. I thought about writing it down but decided not to since I've been writing a lot of potential conversation topics down to remember them later with certain people, and I thought here I don't want to be too mechanical. Now I can't remember what it was, and every time I think of what I should write her I keep getting stuck on remembering what it is I was trying to say.

I'd greatly appreciate advice. Thanks for reading this.

[cambridgeborn]

I think this lady has been clear in stating she’s not interested in dating you. If you persist you might be setting yourself up for a hurtful letdown. Keep your dignity in tact and move on.

[Maximus2019 in reply to cambridgeborn]

Thanks. Hurts but true. If I’m lucky after staying silent I’ll hear back.

[Sallyskins]

This reminds me of a friend of mine who (though now happily attached) kept approaching women thinking he was in with a chance when they had clearly signified that they were not interested. And I've had the same from other men, as well - some men think that being friendly and courteous and passing the time of day with them is a come on.

It's clear that having given you the benefit of the doubt, and met up with you, she has decided against a relationship with you. Have the goodness to accept her decision and don't pursue her any more.

Her signals aren't mixed. They spell out 'no'. And don't think for a minute of making an appointment with her when she starts practising. That's something she wouldn't thank you for and would put her in a difficult position and compromise her professionally.

Like most other women, I've done my best to let down men gently if I'm not interested in them. It isn't about mixed signals - it's just that we don't like to hurt a man's feelings.

By the way, I'm not sure it's true that if someone is unavailable that it makes you want them more - certainly not in my case. If a man I've been interested in turns out to have a partner, or to be gay, or simply not to be interested in me, I generally move on pretty quickly. Attraction can't be forced.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thanks. I wish none of what you were saying were true, but I’m accepting the reality.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

That's for the best. None of us likes getting knockbacks but it's best to move on. It's easier to deal with than a real breakup.

[Maximus2019]

Hey guys this is hurting me- I haven’t reached out to her per your advice  Sallyskins and  cambridgeborn

I need some hope though. Is there any way I’ll here from her again? She hasn’t blocked me on Insta and posts stories daily which I haven’t been opening cus I don’t want her to think I’m desperate for her attention.

Is there a point where I can reach out to her? I wish I had just one more chance.

Thanks

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

I know how difficult it can be to get over someone you have a serious crush on. But remember that she is not a free agent and that she is in a vulnerable position. If it's possible for you to be there for her to help her and offer her friendship, without any strings, without trying it one with her and without making her current situation worse, that's all right.

But if you can't do that, and want something more, then best to leave her alone. If she manages to get out of her current situation and is free again, then by all mean approach her if you wish. But don't expect her to fall into your arms. She may be interested in you; she may not be. Don't push it.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you Sally- I think you are mixing this post up with another post I made, though.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

It's in response to the post you made just above my reply.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

I was talking about the woman I met at a cafe. You said she is in a vulnerable position so I though you may be mixing her up with someone I mentioned in another post. Why did you think that the woman I met at the cafe is not a free agent and is in a vulnerable position? She is studying psychology and seems to be an independent driven person.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

My apologies - I had her mixed up with the other one with the abusive husband. No, this one appears to be, as you say, a free agent. If she hasn't blocked you on social media then there's no harm in checking in with her - but again, don't expect too much of her. Don't approach her on social media except as a friend - it's too much of a public place. But if you like, ask her out on a date again by phone or text. If she doesn't respond favourably, or puts you off, or makes excuses, you'll know she isn't interested. But if she says yes, then you could be in with a shout!

As long as you accept her decision about whether she wants to meet up with you again.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thanks Sally. The tension from my not communicating with her was building up, and I hope I didn’t chase her away with what I sent her today (just before getting your initial message from today). I told her I was considering going to Granada Spain i early August (a place she told me she fell in love with), and I asked if she wanted to come. I told her we could get separate beds lol. I offered to get her the plane ticket and cover the hotel too. I definitely escalated with my offer.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

If she accepts your offer on the basis of separate beds, make sure you accept her decision if she doesn't want to sleep with you. Offering to cover her ticket and hotel fees can't really be retracted, but it's better not to make such an offer unless you're in an established relationship. Paying for dinner on a first date, or treating a friend is one thing - buying a holiday for a woman you're interested in might make her feel pressured. Don't be surprised if she decides she'd like to go, but wants to pay for herself.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thanks!

[Maximus2019]

I meant to say "why did you think"...