Little Decisions

[sunshine_girl23]

Hello all!

I am new to this community and excited about being here. No one has ever officially diagnosed me with OCD but ever since I was a child I have been SO PARTICULAR when it comes to tiny decisions like what color to wear (or even big decisions like what car to buy) and sometimes I will think about the same thing thousands of times in a day.

It didn't even really occur to me until literally this week that b/c I am spending so too much mental energy (feels like 80%) on repeated thoughts (like where I'll live or my job search, which are significant things right now), I think it's distracting me from enjoying life.

Anyone have any thoughts or advice?

[Disciple777]

Not sure, I'd have to hear a little more about your symptoms to say for sure. I am just a guy with OCD and not a therapist, so take this as you will but it sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder which is different from OCD.

[Disciple777 in reply to Disciple777]

Usually when people say, I'm so OCD. They are NOT. They also don't have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. They just like things a particular way but it doesn't cause near the distress as OCD or OCPD. I would describe people that say that as having a strong preference to things being a certain way. Not the same at all. People with OCD live in constant hell and torture. If it wasn't for God, I would've taken my own life long ago. l'm on year 29 with OCD. I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to wake up from sleep. My entire life is perfect. I have a wonderful supportive wife, 3 beautiful kids and the job of my dreams but most days I feel dead inside—it's a terrible thing to be coherent enough to know you have everything but you can enjoy it because inside you feel like an undeserving monster. OCD attacks what you hold dear—it picks apart your mind piece by piece and tries to convince you that your worst fears are who you really are. There is no knowing or discovering yourself because OCD fills your mind with lies. OCD is the unrealistic, unattainable need for 100% certainty. The problem with that is that as soon as you find the answer, solution and relief, it adds another doubt—ALWAYS. I want to live a full life, see my kids grow up, etc. but most days my only relief is knowing that I'll finally die one day and this nightmare of life will end. That is OCD.

[SCC1 in reply to Disciple777]

Disciple777, thank you for posting this comment. I feel the same way you do on a lot of things. OCD has destroyed me, and I'd rather not be here either.

My mind can barely take anymore, yet the horror keeps coming. OCD is always 1 step ahead of me waiting to take another shot, and it always does.

All of the mess in my mind that has gone on since childhood (dealing with other mental illnesses, too), has put me in a state of mind where I feel damaged. It is who I have become. (Not the OCD itself, but damaged in general).

There has been very little relief; it seems like I'm getting worse day by day. It could be possible that I'm just having a bad spell, but whatever is causing my OCD to be worse, I really wish it would stop.

I'm hoping my medication starts to work, because I'm tired of my mind feeling beat up, literally.

Best wishes for us all.

[Precious2023 in reply to Disciple777]

This is exactly what OCD is.....it is so terrible! At some OCD attacks make people feel they would die instantly with the guilt, torture, torment, fear, anxiety, worry, uncertainty, distress the OCD holds.

I still believe in healing miracle of God.

I pray the healing of God rest upon every one here in Jesus name.

[WilliamG in reply to Disciple777]

Hi Disciple777,

”OCD attacks what you hold dear.” This is so true! My thoughts attack my religion, my family, my values. This last month, I’ve had a bit of relief though. I’ve been using mindfulness, meditation, exercise, and ACT. (I’ve been doing them for a while, but they finally seem to be giving me a bit of relief.) I know this will sound strange, but when I would go for a walk, I used to think if I didn’t look at certain things, it meant that I was demonic and wanted to go to hell. I haven’t been sucked into that thought for several weeks, and that makes me hopeful that I can continue to improve.

[Disciple777]

SCC1, I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I will keep you in my prayers. Have you ever done a pharmacogenetics test? You can have your general doctor do one for you. The results take about 2 weeks but it will give you a list of the most effective meds for your body. I did one a while back and found out all the meds I had tried were in the inactive category. They switched my medication and newer ones definitely help to take the edge off. Also, the anxiety spikes don't last near as long. Have you tried ERP therapy? I'm currently doing it and have conquered some of my obsession but still trying to work through my stronger ones.

[SCC1 in reply to Disciple777]

Hi Disciple777. Thank you for messaging me.

I have not done that test. I don't know much about it other than hearing about it briefly from someone on another forum.

I am also not doing ERP, because my therapist doesn't know anything about it. We are going to try doing CBT again the next time I see her. I had tried it before, but my thoughts are so messed up, I couldn't even get started.

I want to try anything that could help, because I am suffering too much. Yet, I am tired of the hit or miss with trying different things. I mean, I can't even

f-ing pet my cat without having intrusive thoughts and doing compulsions!

But thank you for your kind words. It feels good to be understood. xx

Also, do you know if the testing is free or is covered by insurance?

Thank you!