I have been struggling with harm ocd for the last 5 months. I am 25 years old, I am a mom of two babies ages 2 and 1, and this issue has caused me great distress. It has really affected how I interact with my children since my ocd is continuously having intrusive thoughts of harming them or family members around me. It is absolutely the most horrible experience I have ever faced. I feel ocd has robbed me the experience to enjoy the moments with my kids at this fun age. It has been a true nightmare. Luckily, I have opened up to my loved ones about this issue and they are understanding. I feel so guilty all the time my thoughts are constant I avoid knives, belts, ropes, even my children, and family at times. I know who I am and would never want to do anything to anyone especially those I love. I feel horrible and want to crawl under a rock daily or get away so I don’t hurt anyone.
It is so debilitating but I’m currently working with a therapist, on meds, and doing my own research.
Without a doubt ocd sucks and makes you feel completely alone in your thoughts.
I hope I can better manage this disorder soon!
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Ocdandme09
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Welcome to the forum. ERP therapy and SSRI meds have helped me tremendously with my OCD. I'm glad your family is supportive and you are so proactive. If you keep at it consistently I am sure you will see some improvement soon. Just don't be discouraged by setbacks and don't give up!
The only thing I will suggest is to consider sitting in on a live (in-person or virtual) OCD support group sometime. This forum is great, but if you ever feel alone in your disorder, there's nothing quite like interacting in real time with real people who know exactly what OCD feels like. There's a list of some groups here:
Thank you for the advice. I’m currently taking an SSRI I have been taking it for about a month, it has calmed down my thoughts. I haven’t been successful at finding in person OCD support groups but I will definitely give the virtual one a try thanks!
I am so sorry you are struggling right now. Remember that it won't be this way forever. I'm a mom also and I know how hard it can be. Try to be forgiving with yourself and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. One thing that has helped me alot when I have intrusive thoughts is thinking or saying out loud "just because I have a thought doesn't mean it's true". Remember that you love your kids and would never hurt them. I hope you find some techniques that work for you with your therapist and medication.
you’re not a lone. I’ve been dealing with this for 30 years.
I use a combination of SSRI, ERP and Shannon’s Shy method
The thoughts come and I allow them to. I do not avoid anything, I do not confess. I go through my day as if they’re there and do not bother me.
I still get triggered however I use those triggers for ERP. I make myself aware that I am triggered, I feel ocd anxiety, I say “I will not allow this to ruin my day” and move on. The thoughts and feelings can come as they want but they do not stop me.
After about 4 days of that usually the thoughts will subside.
The more power you give the thoughts by compulsions such as avoiding items, different interactions with family and friends, asking for reassurance, the more power the ocd has controlling you. Treat ocd as the bully it is. Trying to scare you every step of the way.
It can be scary to think of ocd as not you, but it works. I have ocd, ocd does not have me. (But don’t make that phrase a compulsion 🙃)
I am so sorry you are experiencing this, Ocdandme09! I know exactly how it is, because I had an intense flare up of harm intrusive thoughts when my second child was born. I thought I was losing my mind. All of my coping skills to deal with my anxiety went out the window and I had to go on an SSRI. That was 23 years ago. If I could go back and give myself advice, it would be don't assume that your OCD is "gone" if the thoughts get better for awhile. I am currently going through menopause and dealing with the death of my mom, and the intrusive thoughts and OCD are worse than they have ever been for me. Take this time to learn as much as you can, get therapy, and build a support network around your OCD. There is so much more available now than there was when I experienced it all those years ago. And in retrospect, I have had OCD since I was a child, and just never knew it until the intrusive thoughts were harm or sexually related. Just really beginning to learn and acknowledge this disorder at the age of 53 is no picnic. That said, if you find the right medication, the thoughts will get better and you can learn how to prepare for any future flare ups. Good luck!
I'm glad to hear you are working with a therapist. Are they very very familiar with OCD and Harm OCD? It's crucial that they are in order to help you the most.
I've had Harm OCD for years on and off but through my meds and OCD "tools" that I have learned, it's very rare that it pops up anymore. There is hope for you, so don't give up!!!
I don’t think my therapist is entirely familiar with OCD or maybe she is but just dosen’t encounter it often with other patients. I have talked to her about ERP and her response is for me to face my fears but dosen’t really tell me how to I like her I am just not sure if she’s right for me.
IF in a bit you feel she may not be the one, please try another therapist....one who is familiar and trained with OCD. Believe me....it makes all the difference in the world. I wasted years and years until I found the OCD therapist. Huge difference!
You are not alone! Harm OCD has been the worst theme I have gone through. I was not diagnosed until my theme switched to harm. I went almost 18 years struggling through life with other themed. My postpartum ocd involved the fear of something happening to my daughter and I felt she was only safe in my arms. This became so bad that she fell behind in her developmental milestones, I unknowing did erp on myself to get her to where she needed to be. But still feared being away from her, is she vomited, got hurt anything else. Now 8 years later Harm ocd has attached and it is awful. I have avoided my daughter, stopped cooking every night, avoided giving her baths etc. This has also been very on my daughter because she knows our routine, we do homework together, cuddle together, cook dinner together etc and all that has stopped. I have been working with a therapist now for about a month but this really does suck!
hi @OCDANDME09 I'm replying to your post because it resonates deeply with me. I experienced severe harm OCD similar to yours and have come out the other side!! In the depths of my healing, I would hide the knives in my home so I wouldn't get a though that maybe I would just "turn" and want to stab someone, refused to take a child to the bathroom as to maybe want to sexually hurt them, stay home to avoid driving (and get intrusive thoughts to ramp people over). I was miserable and trapped and frankly could not live.
I now have been "clean" for over 2 years after doing two rounds of a treatment called TMS which saved my life, as well as a lot of mindfulness, therapy, exercise, connecting to my dogs at the time, support groups, this forum, allowing myself the time to. heal, etc. etc.
I really want to now help others going through similar OCD as I experienced because I know the hell of it firsthand. if you want to chat more I would love to! You can respond to me here or email me at my email: kkjjoonewman@gmail.com
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