Fear of psychosis, is anyone else like this?

Hi everyone, Apologies for the lengthy post!

So I definitely have an anxiety disorder, I also think I have traits of OCD but never had a diagnosis. I obsess ALOT! my obsession always focus around my mental health, before I go further I must say this is the first flare up in over 4 years.

4 years ago I had a terrible time with anxiety, I've always had a fear of depression and becoming suicidle & had an horrendous fear of developing psychosis. This resulted in my having intrusive thoughts, terrified that I would loose grip on reality & hurt myself or my children. Long story short I seen a therapist and managed to beat these feelings. I learnt a lot & moved on, like I said this was over 4 years ago!

I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls & I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd baby girl! I'd say the past 2 months my fears are rearing it's ugly head and putting me back in that same place I was 4 years ago, I've reached out for help and already had one therapy session. My anxiety and fears are always been triggered by something I've read or heard on the news ect.. the fear of developing psychosis is back with vengeance & because I'm pregnant I know their is a chance of postpartum psychosis, it's really rare and affects 1 in 1000 new mothers, as rare as it is this doesn't help ease me, my mind tells me I'm 100% going to be that person that gets it! It's extremely difficult to deal with and shake it off. But what I'm really struggling with is the anxious mind that comes with it! So when I had this fear 4 years ago I did a lot of reaserech on the illness and read a lot of forums of people with psychosis, the worst thing I ever could of done. As if fearing this fear isn't bad enough It's like I now question every single thing I'm doing, it's like I'm so hyper aware of everything I do and think, for example if I'm out shopping and I see someone looking I will automatically think to myself 'do I think they're plotting against me' I will question 'do I think the t.v is trying to communicate with me' constantly always scared of the 'what ifs' let me add I DO NOT think these kind of things but the fact I even question these things terrifies me & how fast my brain is to come up with these thoughts is crazy. My anxious mind is relentless, I always feel like I'm literally about to slip into psychosis and become delusional! When I look back on photos of me and my children and see how genuinely happy I am my brain will go 'these photos will be on news articles when you finally loose your mind and snap' my anxiety and intrusive thoughts seem to attack everything I love the most! I'm exactly back in that space I was 4 years ago and the fact I'm pregnant (31 weeks pregnant) doesn't help, I'm already exhausted, uncomfortable, not sleeping great due to the growing baby, hormonal etc etc, so all this exhaustion just adds to my anxiety! I do get comfort though knowing I've been through this before and never slipped into psychosis, but I'm utterly convinced due to my pregnancy that my anxiety will turn into psychosis in the postpartum stage with their already being a risk (1 in 1000 woman being at a risk of psychosis after child birth) I'm terrified I will induce it on myself, with the hormonal shift & the anxious mind & ruminating it's like It's just destined to be!

Does anyone else think like this and have the same feelings as if they're about to just slip into psychosis? I really don't know how to handle it, my mind just feels so fuzzy because it's constantly on the go thinking 'what if this, what if that'

Sorry just to also add, I constantly fear I will start acting weird, out of character, or when I'm talking to someone I think what if I'm not making sense, what if they think I'm actually mentally unwell..

It's so so tiring

Thank you in advance to anyone who replies 🙂

[Sallyskins]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It does sound as though you might have OCD, although I can't make a diagnosis. It might be worth asking for a referral to the local community mental health team.

It's quite common for OCD to raise its ugly head during pregnancy. Being tired, not sleeping properly with carrying the extra weight around and full of hormones leaves you vulnerable. Added on to that the responsibilities of parenthood, it's not surprising that OCD is often triggered in pregnant women and new mothers.

As a mother you're already always on duty as it is. It's the downside of a woman's capacity for multitasking - the children are always there, whether you're with them or not at that moment. I think men are better at compartmentalizing their lives and responsibilities (sorry for the stereotyping and generalizations).

Try to avoid the psychosis forums - it's easy to convince yourself that you have a particular condition just by reading the symptoms. I don't know if you've read that wonderful book 'Three Men in a Boat' but the narrator convinces himself he has all the diseases (apart from Housemaid's Knee) described in the medical encyclopaedia he's reading.

Many people with OCD are afraid that they are psychotic or schizophrenic. I've had those thoughts as well. And OCD does make you hyper-aware. The fears of being psychotic sound like classic OCD intrusive thoughts.

It's also the case, as you've realized, that OCD likes to try to spoil your pleasure in what is most important to you. It's hardly surprising that family is often at the top of that list - and above all your children. That sounds like OCD trying to spoil your happiness in your pregnancy and your older children - intruding itself on photographs of happy family occasions.

As I said before, it might be good to get a referral to a mental health team - not that you're seriously at risk of psychosis, but to know if you've got OCD and get support. The GP should be able to do this, or perhaps speak to a midwife.

Perhaps proof that it isn't psychosis is that you think you may have it. The genuinely psychotic generally think themselves perfectly sane and normal!

Above all, try not to let these intrusive thoughts spoil what should bring happiness to you and your family.

[Phoenyx]

Hi JLillie,

I have harm OCD and honestly your thoughts sound a lot like mine. For example, yesterday I thought I heard a voice and immediately thought to myself "what if I have schizophrenia and I start hearing voices". I obsess a lot over my mental health. You might have noticed already that these thoughts are connected to fear of loosing control of yourself. That's very OCD. I'm on medications so that helps me tremendously but I also found a book that taught me a lot of things. I recommend it to everyone with OCD. Now I know how to react on the intrusive thoughts and they don't backfire at me.

The book is called "Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts" by Sally Winston.

In regards to your statement that you have anxiety disorder, I dare to say anxiety, panic attacks, depressive episodes and OCD go hand in hand. Generally, I'm a very calm person but when OCD strikes, all of the above happens to be.

[Hidden in reply to Phoenyx]

Thank you so much for your reply! It's awful isn't it, when I had this spike 4 years ago I did say to my therapist could I have OCD, they really didn't say much about it. I remember in my teen years I was always so scared of becoming poorly and dying then it kind of left for years and years. It spiked again 4 years ago when I read an article about a celebrity committing suicide, the story affected me so much it was crazy and then the intrusive thoughts happened 'if someone who has everything in life can kill themselves then so can you' I got so tangled up in these thoughts that I was genuinely questioning myself if I was suicidle.. of course I wasn't but I got so lost & it just spiraled out of control the 'what ifs'

Then it all circled around my mental health, I was terrified of depression and becoming suicidle, I was terrified of losing grip on reality becoming delusional and hurting my children. It was relentless. But like I said I seen a therapist, got so much better and nothing untill now.. I feel like I can handle the intrusive thoughts, it's the constant fear that I'm about to slip into psychosis anyway now, it drains me so much! It's completely took the excitement out of my pregnancy because everytime I think about the new baby I just think psychosis & like the stats say every new mother has a risk of postpartum psychosis, it's extremely rare but that doesn't take away my fear! I got over it 4 years ago and I know ill do it again. I just hate the fact it strips my happiness from me!

I really appreciate all the replies & it's honestly so good to know others have similar thoughts!

[Phoenyx in reply to Hidden]

Yes. It's amazing how much your story reminds me of my own. You are lucky your OCD episodes are within years apart. Mine are much more often and if I'm not on meds...I don't know how I can survive them. I know I'm not supposed to give you reassurance because it makes intrusive thoughts stronger but I just know that you will never have psychosis. The only thing that you suffer from is OCD. OCD is about how we react to these scary thoughts, not the thoughts themselves.

[Hidden in reply to Phoenyx]

It's so comforting knowing others have the same thoughts and feelings, makes you feel less crazy 😅 I know myself psychosis won't happen it's just the constant what ifs and the anxiety itself alone makes you feel like your about to break at any moment. It all just reinforces the thoughts and feelings!

[pinkski]

Yes, it most certainly sounds like OCD. I've had many of the same intrusive thoughts over the years. I remember my OCD flaring up a lot during my pregnancies, too. I just want you to know that you're not alone. If you are able, I'd recommend finding an OCD specialist who could formerly diagnose and help you tremendously. Wishing you peace and a healthy birth!

[Hidden in reply to pinkski]

Thank you for your reply it's so helpful!! May I ask, as you mentioned a spike in Intrusive thoughts in your pregnancies.. was you fine once you gave birth? I'm fully expecting my anxiety to be high after birth but I'm terrified incase it contributes and induces psychosis! I sound so silly when I'm writing it out

[pinkski]

It was almost 15 years ago so it's hard to recall. I just remember that OCD flared up a lot during and after pregnancy. I took medication during the entirety of both of my pregnancies (carefully monitored by a psychiatrist). Are you in treatment with a therapist and/or taking medication? You may find one or both of these really helpful.

The fear of psychosis sounds like an obsessive thought and as hard as it is, I'd lean into it mindfully....for example: "I'm having an OCD thought about post pardum psychosis. Thank you for reminding me how important my kids are. I may or may not have psychosis after birth. Let's see." The key is then to resist looking for confirmation that you have or don't have psychosis (including not googling it, researching it, asking for reassurance, etc.).

I hope this helps.

[Hidden in reply to pinkski]

Yeh I'm back in therapy, just had my second session. It helps tremendously!! My therapist also thinks I have traits of ocd but it's more of just the obsessive side. I learnt so much last time I seen a therapist about how to deal with my intrusive thoughts & I have manged to use the tools I've learnt this time around, but it's just the worst that they still linger around!

[JustLookUp]

I just came across this post as I was researching PPP. I’m so thankful bc it’s exactly how my brain works!! I heard a segment on the radio about it and now I cannot get it out of my head. And I know Googling is not good, but sometimes I can’t help myself. Just grateful to know I’m not alone!