Hocd or actually bi or gay?

[anonymous1234five]

Hi this is gonna be a long text but I really can't take it anymore.

Summr vacation I saw a tiktok that said "you're gay". That same day I watched a movie with an attractive acress (im a 15 year old female btw) Then the thouhts hit me " am I gay?". The next days I found all women on tiktok attractive so yeah it didnt get better. School started and I realized I had a crush on a boy. All the distress was gone, Later hen the crush as over someone else asked me to be his gf but I said no, still no distress.

But then, my friends started talking about doing spin the bottle on a party, and immediately I was scared that I would enjoy kissing one of my friends (they are girls). All the thoughts came back, and I was afraid again " am I gay? Do I like one of my friends?"

But after a month it as better. I even met my now best friend ( a boy). Everyone in class says we loo like a couple haha.

But now it is worse again. I got the thoughts again and they are worse then ever. I first just got thoughts that I have to come out. Now I ot a mental image about me kissing a girl I know is on my school and with who I text on snap.n Immedially I was afraid that I like her or have a crush on her ( still am) And now aain every girl in my school is attractive again, even tho I never thought of them that way before all his. Im afraid im Bi now, and im afraid that I dont have that much distress anymore, im afraid that im accepting it.Im afraid that I would be relieved when I come out.

I jus want to be the girl again from 4 to 5 months ago... The having a crush on a boy while being on vacation, who is happily straight girl.

my mind also says that "you're calm now, must mean that you have accepted you are bi"

I get thoughts that I have to come out, and my mind makes scenarios of me doin, and im afraid of my parents and my bes male friend their reaction. Is this also hocd cause I read somewhere that peple with hocd aren't afraid of reactions from others. I hope someone replies.

Also im not homophobic, I have alo of gay and bi friends who I think are amazing...

I'm not sure if I typed the whole story but this is a big part of it I think.

Please help.

yesterday my ind constantly said that I had to say o my mom that I think im bi. Like 1 to 2 hours long, It was so disstressing.

forgot to add normally when someone says thats gay haha or are you gay or somethin my heart drops, today that wasnt the case and i didnt say anythin so the person said aww she is gay, still no heart dropping or stress, which makes e think that my heart didnt dro because i want that person to "knnow im gay" but i dont want to be gay

also i get things in my head like scenarios of when im already out, and what would happen in diffrent situationss, but I dont want to come out cause i dont want to be gay or bi

[Hidden]

Dear anonymous,

I waa diagnosed with OCD 18 years ago but I still struggle sometimes ascertaining whether something is "real" or it's OCD. I am sure it's much, much more difficult to do this at 15, when you're still sorting out relationships and your sexuality. Here is one feeling I've learned to listen to: when I get this frantic urgent feeling that I muat do something NOW (and it's not running out of a burning building 😊), then it tends to be OCD. So...the thing about how you "have to" come out to your mom immediately? That's OCD. OCD hates gray areas and ambiguity. It wants everything decided and settled NOW. It is the "doubting disease" and another lovely feature is that it makes you scrutinize your thoughts and spend a lot of time thinking about your thinking, which can feel like torture. You are 15. You probably have a lot of sexual thoughts & feelings. Some of them will feel strange and inappropriate or wrong. That's fine and normal. You're just young & full of juice. Everyone your age has sexual urges and dreams and thoughts. That's the way we were made. All it means is that you're human. Try to strengthen your doubt-tolerating muscles. Tell yourself, "I may be bi. I may be gay. I may be straight. I may never know for sure & that's okay." Your OCD won't have power over you if you can develop tolerance to doubt and ambiguity. You're going to be fine. 😊

[sealonging]

I have a similar problem to this. I've read that this is called pure obsessional OCD, where you don't have any visible outward compulsions or rituals--instead, the compulsions are the obsessions. You're compelled to keep thinking and worry about something even though you don't want to, and you constantly keep checking the way you feel or think about whatever the topic is.

Like I said, my problem is similar. Like you, I'm not homophobic or transphobic, but I've had obsessive thoughts over whether or not I am transgender. I don't want to be, and I want to stop worrying about it. I've done so much research on trans people and in my clearest moments I know that I'm not because I don't really want to be a woman, or to transition, or to identify as one. But the mere fact that I have these thoughts and these uncertainties brings me so much shame, and makes me feel certain I will be abandoned by my wife and other people who love me. And even when I feel I've found an answer, I still can't stop the thoughts of, "But what if,... "Maybe you haven't thought about..." or "Maybe you just don't want to face the truth," etc.

But I've learned that this is a signature characteristic of pure OCD: that even when you do find satisfaction that you've answered the question, that satisfaction is extremely temporary and never lasts long.

The only thing you can do is just decide not to entertain these thoughts. That feels terrifying at first, I know. And I still struggle with this. Even when you know what to do, it's still hard to do it, and I still catch myself going off on spirals. But when I realize what I'm doing, I remind myself, you don't have to think about this. Another tool I learned was delaying thinking about it. If you say, I will think as much as I need to about it, but later today, say at 7 PM, then that takes the pressure off a little bit, and then you might find when 7 PM comes you don't really even find it all that pressing of a worry anymore.

Another thing I'd say is that medication has helped me a lot. I've been on Fluvoxamine for a couple years, and I only recently went off for a few days, and I can definitely tell the difference. I had an anxiety spiral the other night, and I'm still feeling the anxiety lingering in my body. That leftover cortisol and adrenaline. So I'm taking steps to get back on the medication I need.

I hope this helps. Please understand that you're not alone in this, and that there are people who understand what you're going through. (The gay thing is another subject that comes up for me...that's the thing with pure obsessional OCD, when you finally begin to calm your mind about one subject, another can often jump in and take its place. The gay topic hasn't come up for a while, but now it's worries about whether or not I really love my wife. I know I do, but I fear that and I fear falling out of love with her in the future.)

But yeah, anyway, please know you're understood. There's nothing wrong with you for going through all this suffering. It's not your fault. I hope some of this helps.