Are these intrusive thoughts or fantasies?

[Grimes1904]

Hi! I've been recently diagnosed with OCD but I'd say I have been suffering from intrussive thoughts for almost a year. I know we all have them but they started being sooo distresful from a year until now and I can't stop having them, thinking about the thoughts and feeling horrible for them. I have sexual thoughts, I worry that I'm a pedophile, or have sexual attractions for my family and my exgrilfriend's family. I have these worries, thoughts and doubts all the time but the more distress comes from masturbation. When I'm doing that I'm always vigilant of not having thoughts involving certain people. Before doing that I have this kind of ritual where I state that I dont want any thoughts relating those people or that I dont this for the thoughts, etc. I also doubt about doing that because I know I'll have the thoughts and I always do... I try to supress then by not paying attention or mentally repeating some sentences. Sometimes I dont have the thoughts but they always come at the end... at the end of it. I always worry when I'm at that moment, I always think like "come on, you're almost done, you are capable of not having bad thougths". And you know what? I always do! And I feel so shitty and guilty afterwards.

Thoughts are not even that explicit, most of the times they are just like the face of some familiars or related people. I feel so horrible because those faces come to my mind when I'm at that moment. What blows my mind and really confuses me, is that if feels like I'm searching for those thoughts! I do try to supress then in different ways but it feels like I'm searching for the thought in those sensitive moments. I remember one time I was in that moment and my mind went blank for like 3 seconds trying to find an image of a related person which I feel so ashamed and bad thinking of. I dont know why that happens why I search for those thoughts in those sensitive moments, is that normal? (in an OCD context). I try not to have the thoutghts but I do and sometimes if feels like my mind is searching a distrubing image on those sensitive moments! Do intrussive thoughts can work like that?

[IStillHaveHope]

Hello, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now. I'll try to help out because I've suffered from sexual OCD as well.

First, I'll answer your question, "Do intrusive thoughts work like that?", with an indefatigable YES. I've had sexual OCD about my mother or young children, and these thoughts were so disgusting to me. I also used to worry that I was attracted to men and that I might be gay. These thoughts used to bother me so much when I was younger. What helped me is realizing that OCD is a bully and a liar. It takes what you value most and tells you the opposite. When you think, "Well that can't be true." it always responds with, "But how can you be sure?". That's were the rituals come in.

Reading through your posts, it sounds like you're actively trying to push the thoughts away. Unfortunately, this doesn't work and only reinforces to you that the thoughts are scary and uncomfortable; something to be avoided at all costs. If I tell you, "Don't think of a pink squirrel." you immediately think of a pink squirrel The best way to deal with them is with Exposure Response Therapy (ERP). This involves you actively facing your thoughts and not acting on them for as long as possible. Over time the discomfort lessens and you learn to live with the thoughts with what they are; just thoughts.

You mention that you've been recently diagnosed with OCD. Have you found a therapist that specializes in OCD treatment? A therapist can help you develop the skills I'm talking about. There is also medicine that can help. Note that none of these things make the thoughts "go away". They help you learn to live with (and potentially thrive) with them. I think that may actually be more valuable.

I know how hard it is having OCD; especially in the beginning. Knowing (and accepting) what you have is the first step and the good news is that there are a ton of people who want (and can) help you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone in this. I hope you find the peace you deserve my friend. God bless you.

[LuvSun]

IStillHaveHope is spot on! If you keep telling yourself not to think of something- that’s exactly what you will think of.

[mind-full]

IStillHaveHope is spot on!

It still amazes me how closely I relate to other OCD sufferers like yourself. Everything you've written, I've experienced, so I'll try not to comment on things mutually understood.

Searching for inappropriate thoughts or images in a "sensitive" moment is normal (in an OCD context). If you're watching a video, or searching the internet, fears are going to be on high alert. There may be triggers. I prefer studying a photograph. Do this before masturbating, not during. Work with your imagination to create a short but detailed fantasy. Notice things like skin texture and eye colour. If one of these details cause you to think of someone you know, discard it. Once you have a fantasy prepared, put the photograph away and play it out. When you "finish", OCD will flood you with intrusive thoughts. It won't matter at that point. You're done masturbating, and the sensitive moment has ended. You might even be proud of yourself for keeping a clear mind, and creating a successful narrative.

Some might argue this is a compulsive behaviour much like ritualizing or cancelling. Therapists encourage us to purposefully expose to things that make us anxious, but that's not easy when the "monster" in your head suddenly appears as a child. Masturbating should be a "special" moment, not a sensitive one. So I found a way to keep the monster out.

Knowing (and accepting) what you have is the first step. There's help, and there's hope.

Best wishes to you.

[Mlk307]

Hi, I don't think you are the only one, I do fight bad thoughts bad intrusive thoughts that you can't even speak about to some one, very horrible, yes I agree, really shity thoughts about m family, I notice also, more I fight against these thoughts more they come in force. my therapist told me dont fights , let them come and let them like a cloud or a bad weather...but some times when it is there really I also have to suppress them , I develop some rituals to delete them, but it doesn't work...really shiity situations...pffff really don't know. but for sure more yo don't want them more they will come...I think my theory is that ...this monster is always going where we are sensitive at. or to people that we like more...i can read a post above (from I still have hope) which exposed very good the situation, he or she explain very well what to do. I appreciate people sharing experiences. suffering and helping other for free, what a beautiful things.

[Mcfly64]

Hello. This is classic ocd my friend. The same thing happens to me. Searching for thoughts happens to me regularly. My mind starts scanning and will just latch on. I understand what you are going through. You are a good person. Try and remember that.