Question

[Pikedale221]

This is my third time going thru hocd once at 15 23 and now... I realized with talking to my girl and family that I forget about the obsessive thoughts and spiral when I go back to my normal state of mind until something triggers me again.... Does anybody else experience this?also my uncle was telling me it's really just your subconscious messing with you what are your thoughts?

[deValentin]

I agree in some respects with your uncle saying that HOCD may be your subconscious messing with you. Let me explain.

I once watched a true detective story where a prominent architect well-respected in his community killed a lover who had become a "liability". The police asked him why he did it given the fact that he had been brought up in an apparently nice family, having a loving family himself and an enviable social status. His answer was, "I felt at the time I had no choice" (he may have felt the same way when he started an affair). So, this individual felt driven by unconscious forces to do something that ran contrary to his moral values because he felt cornered and didn't know how else to get out of an unbearable situation (or didn't know how else to feel happier when he took a lover). In my opinion, this is no excuse because I believe we don't completely lose our freedom of choice in regard to unfairly taking away someone's life .

OCD is a psychological disorder, not a crime, but it's driving us sometimes to do things that are contrary to our values. If we fear contamination, we may feel unable to hug our children, which makes us feel guilty. We may eliminate all knives in our house for fear of stabbing someone, and place an unfair burden on the rest of the family. HOCD may jeopardize our current relationship and make us feel bad about it, etc.

Incessant thoughts about your sexual orientation are bothering you. You didn't wake up one morning and decided to have HOCD. It came upon you most likely because of personal predispositions and environmental triggers, and then it fed itself and turned into a full blown crisis. The question is, if you believed you had other means to appease your mind than dwelling on that issue and seeking absolute certainty in regard to your sexual orientation, would you feel pressured so much by unconscious forces to obsess about it? Unconscious forces are driving a mother to go after a mountain lion when it attacks her child, and she doesn't see any other way to save her young one. It may be what your uncle meant when he said that your subconscious is messing with you. Just a thought.

''Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.'' (Viktor Frankl)

[Pikedale221 in reply to deValentin]

It's weird I talk to my family and girlfriend... I have this unrealistic fear that I'll never be myself again... A little background on myself I had a healthy sex drive confident led my house hold I hold more traditional values.. I'm a little scared also of therapy cuz of the way of the world nowadays... I also fear that I'll get to a point where I'll be able to hide this from the people that know me and I'll be twisted up inside and nobody will know... Even though everybody tells me it's clear as day something's wrong .. how can your head mess with you this much? It just doesn't make sense

[deValentin in reply to Pikedale221]

I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree with you on the last point. What's happening to you does make sense. As the physical world has natural laws, the psychological world also has laws. Every action has positive or negative consequences, sooner or later, openly or in more hidden ways, whether we like or not.

For instance, if one dwells on unwanted thoughts, gives them a meaning they don't deserve, seeks absolute clarity in a world where there is often no absolute clarity, lets wonderings prevent oneself from functioning reasonably well in life, it's normal that those intrusive thoughts take over the mind. It's a snowball effect. On the other hand, to practice ERP and seek healthier ways to appease your mind, in spite of the difficulties, gives you a better chance for your unwanted thoughts to leave you reasonably alone.

“Only by avoiding the beginning of things can we escape their inevitable ends” (Tao).

[Pikedale221]

Is it kinda crazy that the people around me see I'll be myself again but I can't? Or is that normal when going thru an episode

[MHH1306 in reply to Pikedale221]

Hi there I’m going through something very similar. I’ve only come to the realization that I might have OCD. It’s been about 6 weeks of intrusive thoughts that are really weird and I never really had them before. Before ) weeks ago I felt totally normal.

The trigger was that I admitted to my wife that I had been unfaithful - not because I didn’t love her or for pleasure but because I was shameful and recreating past sexual that happened to me as a child.

She’s been very supportive and we are working through it. But the last 6 weeks have been just constantly living with severe anxiety almost 24/7 and I feel I can’t breathe. I’ve started questioning my own reality as if “am I really me or has my whole life been a lie, and have I been wearing a mask” - I look at a picture of myself and just see someone that looks the same as me. When I tell people I love them do I actually mean it or am I just empty?

Followed by a panic attack followed by more irrational thoughts. It’s the lack of rational thinking I’ve been struggling with

[Pikedale221 in reply to MHH1306]

Everytime I've gotten these gay thoughts is cuz a 15 " I fell in love with a girl" that didn't like me back " teenage love or my girl now we've been together for 8 years I'm 27... Arguments that dragged out longer then they should of and the thoughts just popped in my head and I sprailed... What you're talking about is derealization/depersonalization where you don't feel like yourself... Your mind can really mess with you ... But you will be the person you were before this