Question

[Pikedale221]

This is my third time going thru hocd once at 15 23 and now... I realized with talking to my girl and family that I forget about the obsessive thoughts and spiral when I go back to my normal state of mind until something triggers me again.... Does anybody else experience this?also my uncle was telling me it's really just your subconscious messing with you what are your thoughts?

[deValentin]

I agree in some respects with your uncle saying that HOCD may be your subconscious messing with you. Let me explain.

I once watched a true detective story where a prominent architect well-respected in his community killed a lover who had become a "liability". The police asked him why he did it given the fact that he had been brought up in an apparently nice family, having a loving family himself and an enviable social status. His answer was, "I felt at the time I had no choice" (he may have felt the same way when he started an affair). So, this individual felt driven by unconscious forces to do something that ran contrary to his moral values because he felt cornered and didn't know how else to get out of an unbearable situation (or didn't know how else to feel happier when he took a lover). In my opinion, this is no excuse because I believe we don't completely lose our freedom of choice in regard to unfairly taking away someone's life .

OCD is a psychological disorder, not a crime, but it's driving us sometimes to do things that are contrary to our values. If we fear contamination, we may feel unable to hug our children, which makes us feel guilty. We may eliminate all knives in our house for fear of stabbing someone, and place an unfair burden on the rest of the family. HOCD may jeopardize our current relationship and make us feel bad about it, etc.

Incessant thoughts about your sexual orientation are bothering you. You didn't wake up one morning and decided to have HOCD. It came upon you most likely because of personal predispositions and environmental triggers, and then it fed itself and turned into a full blown crisis. The question is, if you believed you had other means to appease your mind than dwelling on that issue and seeking absolute certainty in regard to your sexual orientation, would you feel pressured so much by unconscious forces to obsess about it? Unconscious forces are driving a mother to go after a mountain lion when it attacks her child, and she doesn't see any other way to save her young one. It may be what your uncle meant when he said that your subconscious is messing with you. Just a thought.

''Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.'' (Viktor Frankl)

[Pikedale221 in reply to deValentin]

It's weird I talk to my family and girlfriend... I have this unrealistic fear that I'll never be myself again... A little background on myself I had a healthy sex drive confident led my house hold I hold more traditional values.. I'm a little scared also of therapy cuz of the way of the world nowadays... I also fear that I'll get to a point where I'll be able to hide this from the people that know me and I'll be twisted up inside and nobody will know... Even though everybody tells me it's clear as day something's wrong .. how can your head mess with you this much? It just doesn't make sense

[deValentin in reply to Pikedale221]

I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree with you on the last point. What's happening to you does make sense. As the physical world has natural laws, the psychological world also has laws. Every action has positive or negative consequences, sooner or later, openly or in more hidden ways, whether we like or not.

For instance, if one dwells on unwanted thoughts, gives them a meaning they don't deserve, seeks absolute clarity in a world where there is often no absolute clarity, lets wonderings prevent oneself from functioning reasonably well in life, it's normal that those intrusive thoughts take over the mind. It's a snowball effect. On the other hand, to practice ERP and seek healthier ways to appease your mind, in spite of the difficulties, gives you a better chance for your unwanted thoughts to leave you reasonably alone.

“Only by avoiding the beginning of things can we escape their inevitable ends” (Tao).

[Pikedale221]

Is it kinda crazy that the people around me see I'll be myself again but I can't? Or is that normal when going thru an episode

[MHH1306 in reply to Pikedale221]

Hi there I’m going through something very similar. I’ve only come to the realization that I might have OCD. It’s been about 6 weeks of intrusive thoughts that are really weird and I never really had them before. Before ) weeks ago I felt totally normal.

The trigger was that I admitted to my wife that I had been unfaithful - not because I didn’t love her or for pleasure but because I was shameful and recreating past sexual that happened to me as a child.

She’s been very supportive and we are working through it. But the last 6 weeks have been just constantly living with severe anxiety almost 24/7 and I feel I can’t breathe. I’ve started questioning my own reality as if “am I really me or has my whole life been a lie, and have I been wearing a mask” - I look at a picture of myself and just see someone that looks the same as me. When I tell people I love them do I actually mean it or am I just empty?

Followed by a panic attack followed by more irrational thoughts. It’s the lack of rational thinking I’ve been struggling with

[Pikedale221 in reply to MHH1306]

Everytime I've gotten these gay thoughts is cuz a 15 " I fell in love with a girl" that didn't like me back " teenage love or my girl now we've been together for 8 years I'm 27... Arguments that dragged out longer then they should of and the thoughts just popped in my head and I sprailed... What you're talking about is derealization/depersonalization where you don't feel like yourself... Your mind can really mess with you ... But you will be the person you were before this

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

I’m going through the same thing right now. I suffered very bad HOCD when I was 17 after months of suffering from Health Anxiety. It took me a year to recover from it and I was okay for 5 years. I did have some unwanted thoughts here and there but they never affected me that much I never gave into them as I was taught through therapy. Now at 23 I’m back on the same boat of HOCD after I suffered a bad panic attack a month ago from Health Anxiety AGAIN. This time it feels different tho because I want to believe that it’s something else affecting me and not HOCD because I suffered so much from it. The only time I feel happy is when I tell myself that this not me and I suffered from it and I can recover from it but it’s like my mind constantly wants me to worry about something. I stopped doing the things I loved doing which was hanging out with friends or playing video games because when I sit still I’m constantly trying to worry over something.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

At least we know it's all OCD and we'll get back to what our normal was

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

Do you have moments where your mind is clear and you know exactly who you want to be and who you are, like I know I’m straight and I want to be with a girl but then I start to worry about my next episode where I’m having doubt and can’t control my thoughts and emotions. I’m suffering from anxiety right now so that might be me but it’s something that’s been bothering me a lot.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

If by clear moments you mean remembering who the real me is before the thoughts started yes but then I tend to cry cuz I don't feel like myself right now and when it gets really fucked up I rely on my family and girlfriend for help

[youn]

yes that’s what I meant and I know exactly how you’re feeling I start to cry as well. I hate how this makes me feel and you’re lucky to have a gf and parents for help. My parents helped me when I first started having this at 17 now I’m 23 and they work a lot and have other things to worry about. I also lost my job about 3 months ago and I’ve been doing nothing but staying at home. At first I enjoyed the time off work because it was a tedious and tiring job. I would game a lot with friends and watch movies and I also would watch straight porn a lot and I wouldn’t sleep till 5 am or even later for 2 months straight till my Health Anxiety kicked in. So I’ve been without work and they’ve been getting on me for that so I don’t really want to bother them because I know they’ll just get mad at me or tell me to get it together. I’ve been trying to find a job but it’s been tuff with HOCD because I start to get thoughts about what if there’s attractive guys at work even though I don’t find guys attractive at all and it starts to bother me and makes me not want to go back to work. That’s something that didn’t bother me before and so I don’t know why it bother me now but I know that’s not me. Sorry I’ve been messaging a lot it just feels nice to have someone that’s going through the same thing.

[Pikedale221]

What's crazy is I'm scared the thoughts won't go away like they did before on the flip side I know they will cuz they have every other time... Question for you since your diagnosed with OCD when your episodes go away and you go back to normal do you forget you have Ocd till your triggered by something again? Cuz my worry is I won't forget this time

[youn]

I feel the same way about the thoughts not going away this time. When I started feeling like my normal self again I was able to enjoy life again and do everyday things I enjoyed without a single thought bothering me. I would get thoughts and images sometimes but I was able to not pay attention to it. I’ve been putting myself down lately because I’m 23 and I haven’t accomplished much in my life and I think that’s what also triggered my HOCD because I started asking myself what if I don’t find a gf and what if I’m miserable for the rest of my life. I haven’t had a gf my whole life but I know I really do want to be with a girl eventually and settle with her and start a family. This also ruined my sleep because I stay up all night thinking about when I felt normal and how happy the thought of finding a girl and being with her made me feel. Now when I try to sleep I get thoughts of past guy people I met and my mind starts playing tricks with me saying you liked this guy or this guy although I know that was not true.

[Pikedale221]

I'd get mini triggers to when my friend said something stupid or watched a stupid reel on FB it'd bother me for maybe a few days but I didn't spiral I think everybody has different big triggers that make us spiral

[youn]

that’s true

[Pikedale221]

Did you completely go back to how you ever before the hocd the first time?

[youn]

yes I did and it felt good. I was happy.

[Pikedale221]

So we're pretty much guaranteed to go back to how we were ... Cuz I'm worried my personality sex drive or values will be different then before but everyone's I've talked to that's went thru this more then once you go back exactly how you were before

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

Yeah I felt the same as before when it started going away. I remember I couldn’t find pleasure in woman which is what I like but it all came back to me and I all those unwanted thoughts and images went away.

[youn]

Has this made you lose pleasure? For example I use to go on instagram and see woman models and get turned on by them. Now I don’t even get a reaction and get thoughts like you did it to force yourself to like them but I really did it cause I like looking at them.

[Pikedale221]

Yes just like it did last time pretty much no sex drive

[youn]

How you been doing? I’m feeling a little better I haven’t been giving into the thoughts or compulsions ands I’ve noticed an improvement. I’m not cured or anything but it’s definitely better than before. Also going out a lot more too. I got off the phone with a ocd therapist and she said even in the times where your feeling like you can’t get the thoughts out of your head don’t give into them or they’ll suck you back in.

[youn]

Another thing that she mentioned is rumination which is basically your too focused on your past or future. Which is one thing I was basically doing that was sucking me back into that. Also compulsions I would go on instagram and look at models and see if I would get a response cutting all that helps out too. Ik it can be hard but you’ll get through this.

[Pikedale221]

I'm scared cuz bisexual "feels right but I wasn't before this episode or after the last one and I had an appointment with my physiatrist today and she freaked me out even more

[youn]

yeah just dont give into your thoughts I know it can be hard but that’s something you gotta try that’s what the ocd therapist said even in times when you know you can’t shake the feeling away. I’ve had episodes where I couldn’t shake a thought or feeling and I kept giving into it thinking too much on it. If you want the link to her YouTube I can send it to you she speaks a lot on ocd and if you want a personal session with her it’s gonna cost you but that’s up to you if want that session. I’ve been to physiatrists in the past and honestly they didn’t help me at all. Like you they would make me feel worse and they would tell me that because I’m a young man it was normal to feel like this and that but deep down I know that’s not me I know I choose to be straight although sometimes in a moment my mind can play tricks with me and make me think otherwise but I’ve always known I’ve been straight.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

I've been feeling like I was"realizing I'm bisexual" but I know before these episodes I never was even though it throws some childhood memories at me that weren't a thought in my normal state of mind... And the fucking physiatrist is like sometimes your brain chemistry changes and you realize your bi and that you could have suppressed the thoughts to only come out with certain triggers but it's really you and the only way to know for sure is to take meds and if the thoughts go away we know it's OCD .. that sounds like bullshit right?

[youn]

yes bro that’s bullshit lol. I know what you’re talking about. Like I said bro I’ve been there before I even had a gay therapist once that was trynna talk me into that bs of becoming gay no offense to them but I just don’t like the idea or thought of being with a man. you’re also ruminating your thinking about the past childhood and that’s not good, I’ve also been there it can also create fake past childhood feelings and shit. All it’s doing is eating up to your thoughts so don’t engage in the thoughts. I know when I have a clear mind how I truly feel and am straight as well so that’s who you are. Just don’t feed into the thoughts or ruminate about the past is what can help you out.

[Pikedale221]

Have you had the realizing thoughts/feelings but then your like I never was

[youn]

As for the meds. I never took them that’s another thing physiatrists try to do is shove meds down your throat and call it a day. When I was on meds I felt like a zombie. I couldn’t function properly and I never took them ever again and I’ll never do. Some meds even amplify the feeling and could even make you suicidal, yeah I guess everyone does have a different reaction but it’s up to you to take them. They even threw me in a mental hospital for 2 weeks just because they thought that was best for me. Find someone that specializes in OCD and they’ll know what you’re going through truly and find ways to help you because honestly regular therapists ain’t going to help but make you worse down the line from my own experience.

[Pikedale221]

My therapist specializes in OCD and psychiatrist has 5 years experience with it that's why what she's saying is freaking me out that if I try meds I'll figure out if I'm really bi or not with the "brain chemistry" changing thing she said

[youn]

Don’t let it freak you out. You don’t have to take the meds that’s your choice. As to the figuring out part don’t give much thought into it. Like you said in your clear mind you know you’re straight and you don’t get those thoughts so try and focus on clearing your mind out I know when your in those moments u can feel real down and like you can’t escape the thoughts and feeling but u gotta let it slide through go out and walk it off or what I do is go for a drive and clear my mind. Shit even when I do those things I still have that feeling but eventually you’ll calm down. Spend more time with your family or friends and just talk about anything else. You don’t have to always tell them how you’re feeling or what’s going through your mind because from what I’ve been told is that also feeds into your ocd. I still feel like shit but trust we can recover from this we’ve done it before and we’ll do it again.

[youn]

My HOCD spiked up again really bad today. I was doing perfectly fine today too. I was happy this morning I had no thoughts or anything that was bothering me. Then all of a sudden I go into a drug test center for my new job that I have and I saw the receptionist which was a guy and my face got red and my private area started feeling weird. I even got a thought that said he was cute and it started to bother me a lot. I’ve never felt like that or anything and it’s making me search up HOCD videos to see if anyone has had the same experience. The funny thing is this morning I was really excited to start work and now I’m dreading about going. I was also thinking about girls this morning and how I was going back to work and I would get to talk to lots of girls and again and that thought was making me feel good now I get thoughts that all I would do is stare at men at work when I know that simply isn’t true. I hate this shit honestly I thought I was recovering fast but I guess not. All I know is that I choose to be straight not gay nor bi.

[Pikedale221]

It can and does really twist shit

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

Have you ever experienced something like that? My mind keeps messing with me right now. That whole situation is bothering me so much and making me think I’ll never forget it

[Pikedale221]

The red in the face is what anxiety feels like for you for me it's tightness in my chest fast heart rate and that's why you had a gronial response cuz of your heart rate and blood flow

[youn]

yeah I’ve calmed down now. I started my first day at work today and so far so good. I’m not getting thoughts or anything I just have this weird feeling all day though.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

From what my therapist said it takes 6-12 months to fully go back to your normal... Last night I had an okay period I watched a hocd video and felt good like it was all bullshit this morning I woke up felt 100% gay and thought I don't want to go back to how I was

[youn]

yeah the same thing happened to me. I calmed down last night and this morning I woke up really bothered by how I was feeling it’s like your mind makes you think u feel gay or something but it’s a feeling you can’t shake off I don’t know how to explain it but i certainly hate this feeling I know it’s not me but I can’t shake it off. It also goes down sometimes like I’ll be my normal self but then that feeling comes back again I don’t know I’m trying to ignore it but it’s hard sometimes at least with work I’ve been able to distract myself.

[Ctillou]

Good morning I lived with harm OCD for about 45 years of my life and yes I agree there are times or seasons of life where it has what I say weird it's ugly head more so than others and think this is a phase that I've come to accept. As It Seems like these seasons have been some of the most roughest and anxiety written times so now that I am beginning to understand after all these years think that it really does go hand in hand with that hope this helps them have a great day

[youn]

Hey, how you doing lately have you been better since therapy? I’ve been okay for the most part. I get some episodes here and there still but I’ve been learning to ignore them and I’m enjoying life again. I don’t cry or get panicky no more so I guess that’s a good thing. Just trynna see how u doing and if you still get those thoughts and images and how you handling them.

[Pikedale221]

I think cuz of the weather change it's messing with me and I feel bisexual and happy but I never was before this and I'm really scared I'll never be the same as I was before

[youn]

Sorry to hear that. has your therapist been any help ? I’ve been trying to write on a notebook like my therapist said and it’s helped a little bit. Just stuff that keeps my mind at bay like ruminating which I did a lot of and it was messing with me.

[Pikedale221]

It's 50/50 with the therapy I have a notebook have you ever felt what I said in the post b before

[youn]

No I haven’t felt that way. I know that I like girls. I’ve never wanted to be with a guy and I don’t ever tbh. What do you mean btw? Is it like a feeling that bothers you or thoughts? I choose to ignore those and they usually go away. Lately ive been having heart spikes out of nowhere and my head usually feels tight I wonder if it’s from anxiety and stress that ocd is causing. My blood pressure has been really high lately too has it been the same for you?

[KingSimian]

I have OCD and the triggers to my thoughts are other thoughts. Meditation when you practice and train your mind to do it is great but what I suggest first is exercise. If you treadmill and lift 45 minutes daily regularly you’ll see improvement. Just 2 months you’ll notice the change. The best thing for mental health is literally doing an hour for each everyday.

[Pikedale221 in reply to KingSimian]

Feeling where like I'm 100% convinced I'm bisexual but I know logically I never was..I was talking to my girl about it I guess the mind can be that powerful

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

Yeah I’ve been going through that as well. The part where your mind convinces your something your not. It’s really hard. It’s been hard lately because I feel like improving but then there’s days like today where it just takes a crap and I’m constantly in my head or in this state of panic or worry. I hate feeling like this and I don’t know what to do to make it go away. It’s usually happens when I’m not working and I’m home alone and I’ve got nothing to do even watching tv to distract myself or playing video games doesn’t do the job or when something triggers me. I can feel it building inside of me and it won’t pass I get a tight chess feeling and my head starts to feel heavy. All day I just start to get an urge of wanting to go back to work or for the day to end quickly. It’s almost like my mind constantly wants me to be in this state but I know it’s not how I normally feel like. Do you ever feel this way? I hate this so much it’s even gotten to the point where I sometimes forgot how it felt like to be normal but when I’m relaxed and happy with no thoughts i can remember what it felt like to be normal. I know this is not gonna be a easy fix where I’ll be okay in a month like your therapist said it takes time but I can’t wait it’s like I’m constantly in a battle with my mind.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

Yeah it's a constant feeling of I'm gonna be stuck like this forever you remember what normal was but you feel so far away from it you don't know how to get back as much as you want to feel like yourself the person you were before this

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

Yeah my mind is playing tricks with me right now and I know it but it’s really hard to just let it go and be. I’m not usually like this as well and so I know it’s not me but my mind is like telling me or making me feel like I enjoy being in this state. This is exactly how I felt at the start of it 2 months ago. I’m probably fueling it too by being on this website and asking so much which I know is bad. My sex drive kinda kicked back and I’ve been masturbating a lot recently to woman on instagram which I probably shouldn’t do because when I’m in that moment it feels good but afterwards I feel really anxious and restless and I could feel all the unwanted thoughts and feelings coming back again. Is that a compulsion btw? I struggled with masturbation since I was in middle school when I was exposed to it by friends and for as long as I can remember it’s always kind of affected me because I do it a lot and I’m trying to stop because I feel like it’s distancing me from actually trying to get a relationship with a girl which I really do want.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

Yes masterbation can be a compulsion and usually is while going thru hocd

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

Hey, been meaning to ask are you any medication by the way? It feels like I’m always in a panicky state everyday now I can feel my heart beating fast everyday for every little thing now it’s super weird and I’ve been feeling off too. My thoughts are back and it’s just been super hard to deal with. I’ve been on medication before but it just didn’t work for me but I’m willing to try it out again if it’s going to help me feel better. Maybe a different medication would help because I’m not really sure what I use to take I know I only took it for a month max because I couldn’t handle how it made me feel. Lately my thoughts have been making me question if this really is hocd and I start to think back to when I was a kid but then I start to remember how I only ever had crushes on girls and I start to worry less and calm down but it only lasts a few minutes and I’m super panicky again it’s like I can’t shake that feeling off no matter what I do. Even if I try to focus my attention on something else I still feel have a tight chest feeling and I have a tightness in my head.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

I'm not on meds I'm gonna get on em for a bit all we have is anxiety the opposite of anxiety is depression and right now I'm depressed I'm desensitized to all the thoughts so I don't panic anymore I just cry almost everyday

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

Yeah I know what you mean. Right now all I have is anxiety but when I can’t handle the thoughts I cry. Right now my thoughts are making me think about my past and it’s making me think I’ve always been like this. It’s like when I overcome some thoughts my mind finds ways to put new ones in my head and I’m stuck with them.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

Exactly I have thoughts that I want to be bisexual but I know I've never had a natural thought like this in my normal

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

how you feeling lately? Still the same? I’ve been doing better I still get some thoughts but they don’t bother me or make me anxious anymore. Last night I was relaxed and a thought came in on what if I was bi it kind of made me anxious but I know I ain’t bi or ever am trying to be. It’s weird because I know I don’t like men but I don’t know why the thoughts make me feel messed up or anxious and it just sits in the back of my head. I have hope tho because I’ve been remembering my past how I would function daily without the thoughts and feelings and I would be happy.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

Pretty much except for me it's " I know I never have been bi or gay" and maybe I somehow changed I didn't want to and I know without the triggers we had we'd still be ourselves I'm so scared of not feeling like myself again

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

Exactly it feels like I’m improving some days and then super lost and hopeless other days. like today my anxiety has been pretty high and I start reminiscing about my past and future if I’ll be stuck this way or if I’ve always been stuck this way but when I think clearly I can see how I wasn’t always stuck this way I had a functioning life before this. This has been the longest month of my life. There’s times I can’t believe I really struggled with this for almost a year about 5 years ago. Has this made you lose interest in things you use to like doing? For me it has like I use to enjoy hanging out with friends or playing video games but now I don’t have interest to do any of those things or I don’t go out at all outside of work it’s just go straight home.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

Well my everyday normal was a little different... I don't work I'm on disability so my everyday normal was flirting with my girl and stuff Like that but yes everything I used to enjoy I don't have a natural desire for anymore... I really just want to crawl in a hole

[youn in reply to Pikedale221]

I started praying to god to help me out with this but then my thoughts start to mess with me again saying I only want to be with a girl to have sex with her and not be with her for anything else and that’s a sin or if I look at a girl on the street and I notice she’s attractive my thoughts usually say it’s a sin to stare at her because I only want to sexually be with her. Then my thoughts start to say what if god wants me to be gay and I start to panick again but I know those are just intrusive thoughts. I’m a really shy person and terrible at conversation. so I’ve never been in a relationship with a girl but I’ve had several girl crushes through my life and I would fantasize myself being with them but I just never had the guts to go up to them and start a conversation. These are thoughts that use to never bother me because I always knew I would find the correct girl for me one day so I was never in a rush to get in a relationship but now it’s like my mind is forcing me to hook up with any girl I see and if I don’t that means I’m gay. I know it’s all in my head but it just bothers me so much.

[Pikedale221 in reply to youn]

It's not like that for me cuz I'm in a 8 year realationship with my girlfriend but knowing the person I was before this... I'd genuinely rather not be here have people remember the real me

[youn in reply to KingSimian]

So True. I’ve been cutting down on junk food and soda as well. I would literally sit and game 24/7 and eat junk food at 3 am in the morning. I had no job for 3 months, so that’s all I did for 3 months straight and that’s when I started getting health anxiety because I had stomach pain and insomnia and it somehow triggered my ocd too. I stopped gaming completely and I started going out more. I also got an active job where I’m moving a lot and interacting with people and I’ve definitely noticed an improvement it keeps my mind busy so I’m not thinking on the thoughts 24/7. Its weird too because I haven’t touched my ps5 in a month already and it’s almost like a trigger when I see it or try to get on and play with friends, if I do play it’s only for 30 minutes and I get super bored or agitated and I’ll just go watch tv instead but back then I could play for hours on end and have fun.

[KingSimian]

for people with anxiety and overthinking the answer is cardio, the effects of endorphins and all those hormones and neurotransmitters releasing in your brain while you’re breathing heavily act as a buffer to your brain. It will require your brain in the long run and protect you from the effects of anxiety