Help pls at breaking point

[jejdjsjsjsjjss]

hey again intrusive thoughts have returned

i am not diagnosed yet but been suffering w symptoms for nine years and cant get help for another two

my brain is once again telling me that essentially, used to run a roblox tiktok account when i was like 13 added some fans back bc i wanted to look “popular” w more people on snap didnt thibk much of it didnt speak tk them much. two months later my brain randomly went “oh yeah you gr**med them” i literally had to fucking google what that meant as i was too young to fully underysand and it jas haunted me ever since i feel like a monster and i keep reviewing the memory but i cannot remeber anything i said so what if i did something VILE. i would never dream of doing thag but my brain ks screaming at me that i did and if i did do whay it says i did i am a monster wjo deserves to die. it interferes w my everyday life and makes mr feel like i dont deserve to eat or learn etc. i cannot cope with this (i do have compulsions but wont het into that). someone help me please any advice or tricks

[SlothQueen23]

Why can't you get help for another two years? I'm sorry you're going through this. If I were you I would not believe those intrusive lies at all! As soon as they start to take form in your mind, gently acknowledge them but remind yourself that they are untrue, that they are not a part of you, you are detatched from them and therefore free from them. Distract yourself physically with cold water on your face or by holding ice cubes. Deep breathe, inhaling what is good and true and pure which is you and exhaling that which is wrong and feels icky and not you. ♡ Trust yourself. The fact that you have a conscious shows that you are a good human, even if you have past mistakes. It's all about moving forward and being better.

[jejdjsjsjsjjss in reply to SlothQueen23]

hiya, yeah its horrible cant grt help because of my gps waiting list 😭 but thank youuu

[Mcfly64 in reply to jejdjsjsjsjjss]

You shouldn’t have to wait 2 years. There must be some way you can get help asap. You have ocd which is tricking your brain . You are not a bad person. You are a good person. Speak to your gp again and see if he can help you sooner or see another doctor. You need to see a therapist and on medication.

[jejdjsjsjsjjss in reply to Mcfly64]

yeah essentially i have been on the waiting list for an initial assessment for ages but atp i think ill go private to get the assesment

[Mcfly64]

Good idea

[FirstResponder23]

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. One thing that really helps is getting with a good therapist that will Work with you on exposure response therapy. I know you said you still have to wait two more years. In the meantime the general theme behind that therapy is to be in the presence of the thoughts and ocd, and to not give it emotion. To be in the ocd and let your mind and body habituate to the thoughts. A key part is to not do compulsions or to try to reason with it. Instead, doing the opposite of what feels comfortable and telling ocd “yeah, okay maybe this did happen…maybe it didn’t…regardless, I’m going to move forward with what I was doing just now.”

Giving ocd emotion and trying to reason with it or find certainty only strengthens it and continues the loop. Break the loop by letting ocd talk all it wants and continuing on with your day. I hope this helps! I know it’s hard. I still work on it daily, but it for sure helps me along with my medication.

[Meatloafy]

First of all, you didn't know better and shouldn't feel this bad about it; OCD is making it worse for you than it should be. OCD always makes these things seem like convincing problems, but you have to remind yourself not to listen. OCD is irrational, and trying to wrestle with your obsession and make sense of it is futile. You didn't know better, and this was a long time ago, so it shouldn't upset you so much; you can't convince yourself (or the OCD part of yourself) of this, but part of you realizes this, and we all know this.

Also, while your understanding of forgiveness might depend on your beliefs, it could be helpful to consider. I personally believe that God forgives us all if only we ask and repent, that Jesus has atoned for our sins (no matter how terrible). Now, I can tell you from experience that this can become a problem too with OCD; I sometimes wonder if I have "repented" adequately. There's also a risk that any attempt to reason with your doubt will become a compulsive reassurance-seeking ritual, which would do more harm than good. Still, if you don't overthink it and turn it into an OCD thing, it might be helpful in moving past this.

[jejdjsjsjsjjss in reply to Meatloafy]

i am just so terrified that i actually did something even though i would NEVER

[Meatloafy in reply to jejdjsjsjsjjss]

Yeah, it always seems convincing and reasonable. The OCD conclusion seems inescapable, but you have to remember that your doubt and fear are misleading you, and you're not thinking rationally. The only way to move forward is to "treat the thought as if it's nothing."

At least, that's what Reid Wilson said in his video series, which I went through over a year ago. My therapist and I have switched to a new approach called ICBT, which does involve some level of thinking about the thoughts - not to refute them, but to understand that OCD's logic is always wrong. If you're interested, some of it is available for free right here: icbt.online/

[jejdjsjsjsjjss in reply to Meatloafy]

like the only thing convincing me i did do that is my brain telling me i did and the fact that i cannot remeber exact details. all other factors point towards i didnt including the fact that i wouldnt

[Meatloafy in reply to jejdjsjsjsjjss]

You should probably just stick with the assumption that you didn't (and won't ever) do anything as bad as you think, and that you don't have to worry about what you did do (which, again, you didn't really understand). That's the reasonable assumption, and you understand that to a point, so you shouldn't listen to the doubting voice in your head.

[Meatloafy]

I'm posting this link for people if they need it. It's a new approach I've been trying with my therapist, called ICBT, which (unlike traditional OCD therapy) does involve some level of thinking about the thoughts - not to refute them, but to understand that OCD's logic is always wrong. Some of it is available for free online; here's the link: icbt.online/