HOCD IS RUINING MY LIFE

[PVNDA]

I hate this feeling. I can’t do anything without feeling like I’m attracted to men. I feel like if I experiment with men again that I’ll like it and I don’t want to like it. Every time I look at a guy, it feels like actual attraction and I don’t know what to do. I’m just so tired of looking at men thinking I’m attracted to them, not knowing if it’s real attraction or if it’s just the thoughts making me feel something I don’t want to feel. Everyday I’m fighting the same battles and it never seems to end. It only seems to be getting worse and I can’t seem to take my mind off of it. I’m winning the battles, but what about the war. I’m tired of fighting my own mind everyday. I just want to live a normal life, a life free of unwanted thoughts. But it just seems like that’s too much to ask for. I don’t want to be bi. I want to be gay, I was happy being gay, and I’m tired of wondering whether or not my life is gonna change to make me that much more depressed. I just want to be happy again. How do I know what feels right anymore? I hate this feeling, it no longer feels like hocd it just feels like I’m questioning my sexuality now. Everything feels too real to be hocd now. I don’t even know how to differentiate my own thoughts from the hocd thoughts...the real thoughts from the fake thoughts. Can hocd go away and turn into something real? I mean I can’t look at at a guy without thinking I’m attracted to him. Sometimes it’s like I can picture him in my future. Or my mind will tell me I want to be with him. I keep having thoughts that my being gay was just a phase and that I was actually bi all along. Nothing sounds wrong anymore everything sounds right. I just feel like balling up and dying. What if nothing goes back to normal?

[Ariadnee]

Hello! I am sorry for your stress... Maybe therapy can help you deal with this. I don't think ocd can turn into something real... Please be patient and ask for help. I know it's difficult now, but soon enough you will feel better and everything will go back to normal. Stay safe. You've got this!

[PVNDA in reply to Ariadnee]

I hope so. I’m currently trying to find as much help as I can, but it’s not easy. Thank you for the kind words, I really needed it!

[Ariadnee in reply to PVNDA]

Be patient! I know it's very difficult, but in the end you will feel better. You will find peace. Stay strong!

[cambridgeborn]

Hello, I also have to live with the uncertainties of HOCD — and yes, OCD is hell. I have had to learn and internalize the fact that the theme of our obsessions is not as important as the fact of the OCD illness itself. In other words, whether one struggles with harm OCD or contamination OCD or sexual orientation OCD — we’re all just basically suffering from OCD. So, I have had to learn to not put so much significance into the intrusive thoughts about lesbians; the theme is the vehicle upon which the OCD hitches a ride. Themes can change over time, and often do. But the primary illness, the OCD is what needs to be targeted in therapy. ERT does help. There are so many wonderful online resources. Get informed, then get well. Good luck, my friend.

[PVNDA in reply to cambridgeborn]

Thank you so much! I hope things get better for the both of us.

[DeathtoOCD in reply to PVNDA]

As Cambrigeborn, said above, it doesn't really matter what the thoughts are , it is just the vechicle that OCD uses. I recently went to big place to get help, and heard the leader mention that they had treated HOCD, some of them were actually gay, it doesn't really matter the thoughts it OCD, that's what is important.

[PVNDA in reply to DeathtoOCD]

Thank you, I just pray that the thoughts aren’t true. I love being gay, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

[DeathtoOCD in reply to PVNDA]

All that matters is to remember that the OCD will latch on to anything, and even if you do question your orientation later on, after you hopefully have the OCD managed that's okay. Life is a fluid thing and should be explored. But you should find someone who knows how to treat it, the funny thing is that even though it might not seem it, it is actually pretty common from what I understand for both straight and gay people, just remember OCD is definitely not rational, the ERP really helps with that, and when you make it though qnd exposure, at least in my case, even though you are exhausted you realize, I beat it and it feels great. Actually you came to realize how silly your fears really are, in my case at least, every one is different, but good luck you I really wish you well.