New here, HOCD or not? Advice needed

[Tingoting]

Hi everyone, as said in the title I'm new here and I need some insight from you guys.

Where to start... Well first of all I gotta say I've always been an anxious type of guy. It's just lately that it worsened and it finally got to my mind that maybe I have OCD. I suspect to have multiple types of OCD at the same time but the one I really need to get some insight about is HOCD.

Just a little history, I'm 32 and always been with girls, been in love with girls and so on since I can't even remember. I suspect to have the obsession of being "gay" since I was 15 when classmates started telling me "you attract gays, you are gay" as they noticed a school supervisor was way to gentle with me. This period of my life was awful and I know in some way it triggered something at that moment, but I don't want to find excuses and hide behind that. After a year of questioning at that time it finally passed and I lived happily my relationships until 3 years ago...it was a bad period of my life, questioning myself a lot about my future, in a dead end relationship and so on. One day, a colleague/friend of mine got too close to me physically at work for work matter and I had this "strange" sensation. From this moment on, a little voice grew inside me saying "what was this sensation?" "Is it some kind of attraction? "Maybe it means I'm gay or bi". It's now been 3 years and I'm really struggling, always analysing and thinking about it. For 2 years ive been having what they call "groinal arousal" in certain occasions and it really makes me feel bad. The best way to describe how I feel when it happens is a sensation of vulnerability, emptiness accompanied with thoughts and anxiety. I fear that I will never be able to enjoy a proper relationship with a woman anymore and it depresses me a lot. I came to a situation where I can't even watch movies (even if there is no gay scenes), or listen to music (for example, if it is a rnb singer I instantly have the thoughts, feelings and images of an attractive guy with a lot of sensitivity) and those thoughts really make me feel bad inside.

I know everyone is different, and it's difficult to express all the little details of what one feels and all the complexity of everyone's situation but hopefully you'll get the point. I spend each and every day thinking about that (what I feel, why I felt it, what does it mean), think about the past to measure if I ever felt like that before and maybe I'm in denial, testing myself on girls and guys by looking at them to check my feelings, reassuring myself thinking about the past and my history with women, but it never lasts.

Regarding the more "classical" OCD part now, I realize that I often had obsession on different subjects of my life before, from time to time. But the fact this subject came back that hard 3 years ago makes me wonder "can it be hocd or do I lie to myself??", Unbearable...

It's now accompanied with other type of OCD lookalike (unacceptable thoughts) or the fear of not forgetting something I see or think about (for example I hear or see something and I'm thinking shit imagine you can never forget it and it stays in your mind whatever you do). I don't know about you guys but it's like my brain now scan anything that could make me feel bad. If I feel good about something, I'm scanning or remembering something that will make me feel bad again. What kind of life is that?

Anyways, I need help and advice. Thank you in advance.

[Mabelocd]

I don't have HOCD, so I can't speak to that. In general, though, your cyclical thinking about sexuality sure seems a lot like my OCD thoughts. It's that uncertainty that drives me nuts- no matter what the obsession. Am I or am I not? Did I do something wrong or did I not? Round and round and round.

Sexuality is just the kind of subject OCD loves. It isn't black and white, yes or no question for most people. There is gray area. Anyone can have at least a fleeting attraction to a person outside of their usual preference. OCD does not like that. It wants to know everything for absolutely sure and it wants to know RIGHT NOW.

[Tingoting in reply to Mabelocd]

Thank you for your answer

[Hidden]

I would like to invite you to the OCD Support Network.

We are here to help and give hope to each other.

We are in this together.

I wish you good health.

[Tingoting in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the support, I understand I posted in the wrong section. Do I have to post it again or move it to the appropriate section?

[Hidden in reply to Tingoting]

You did not post in the wrong section. You're fine. Worrying about your own thoughts does sound like OCD to me, but why guess and suffer? Please see a therapist and get some clarity. It will be a huge relief. Sending hugs.

[Hidden in reply to Tingoting]

I am sorry but I do not know the answers about the posts.

Thanks.