I have proved myself so many times that I am straight like all other people, but still HOCD attacks me, it gives me urges to imagine and check any scenario, I have done that too and proved myself straight yet again. For example, when I am thinking sex, then suddenly I saw a guy then I stop, then my mind is like " You are deliberately stopping, you will enjoy it when you think about him too", then I say " No, I won't, I have checked before." But this doesn't do and again I am in anxiety that I will be aroused and urges of checking appear again. I am suffering from HOCD from 1.5 years,well I am better but this type is killing from the start.
Actually before HOCD, I thought nobody is actually lesbian or gay and no one wants to do anything with same gender and science too supports it, they are just slangs, then I came to know some people are actually like this which freaked my mind, and there are always question in my mind "why are they like this, they are human too, maybe you too are because you are a human too and love everyone." Then I say " No I am not, I do love everyone but I don't feel that way on same gender and it feels gross too." Then the urge for compulsions comes, well I can stop most of times but my mind tells " you are not checking because you will be aroused and you are scared." which freaks me out. I think my mind a logical or a biological reason for it, idk.
Can anybody help on this issue? I want to get rid from HOCD till April 30 as I am joining college, I don't want these thoughts to ruin my college life. Can I achieve this till April 30.
P.S - I can't get into therapy because where I live there are no therapists and I don't have that much money for books and also I don't want to tell this to anyone because it won't help rather create more problems.