Hocd/rocd/porn addicted?

[MJCW]

Hello,

I have anxiety disorder for a year. It started after graduation. I got a job and I had a very severe boss. I was very stressed. At work I had shortness of breath, etc., I was constantly afraid that I could be fired and could be left with nothing, I only waited until the probationary period was over. Autumn and spring were always the worst months. This summer I had practically no symptoms at all, I met a great guy, I stopped worrying about my job and wanted to quit my therapy, and suddenly in September I got the hocd (I think).

In general, I must admit that I never had an orgasm with a man, but despite this, sex and closeness have always brought me pleasure. I was always drawn to men and fell in love with men. However, I had an episode in my life where I watched lesbian pornography and started masturbating to it, and then I always had an orgasm. Perhaps the most exciting thing for me was that there was such a taboo subject. I was never worried about it, however, I did not think about it and I did not analize it, because in reality I was never attracted to women, I was even a little disgusted. I was always sure what I feel and who I like. Sometimes I kissed my girl friends (party etc.) and was picked up by women, but I didn't feel anything at all. When I met my current guy, I stopped watching these movies, forgot about it at all.

Suddenly in the fall, I started to wonder why I didn't have an orgasm with my boyfriend and then it reminded me that I always had an orgasm with lesbian porn and then it started. Intrusive thoughts, searching for answers on the Internet, the world went crazy. I don't feel like having sex. I want to do nothing. Nothing makes me happy. I don't know what I want, who I am. In the past it was for me incomprehensible how it could be possible to do not know it. I never had any doubts. I feel I have no control about my life. I'm afraid I go crazy and I destroy my reletionship if I do not resolve the problem now. I need help. Plus, I put the mesturbation technique into my sex with my partner and I normally get an orgasm by oral sex. It calmed me down a bit, but it's hard to get rid of these thoughts now, because my reletionship is very importent to me and

fears want to take away from us what is most important to us. Maybe I am really a hidden lesbian? However, I can't imagine a relationship with a woman, I don't even feel like I could even try sex with my boyfriend and another girl together or something. I just want everything to be as in the past. I am not a homophobe by any means, I have friends lesbians, gays. My family and friends are extremely tolerant. I live in Germany, a very tolerant country, so I see no reason why I would have to hide that I am a lesbian. Anyway, if I am a lesbian, I would have noticed it earlier, I would fall in love with some girl in the past. It is impossible to do not know it. I am now 26 years old.

Anyone have similar experiences? Did anyone come out of this? Could you help me?

I want to stop to search the things in internet. It makes me crazy. I feel I lose the control. My therapist said to me I have to stop to search, because this is just a fear and I still have it in my head, because I deal with it all the time, but it is hard to believe that this is just the fear and I am not a lesbian. I feel better if I do not read the things one week etc., but than I have a wrong day and I need to calm down and I start to read again. I know the best way it would be just survive the bad days, but it is hard and I need to read.

Best regards,

Marta

[OCDneedshelp]

Marta,

These are all every common situations for ocd. I lost a year of my life to such fears almost 20 years ago. I had been married about 2 years at the time and all of sudden I got the thought that I might prefer men to women. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it with my wife for almost that year. The thing is that these fears have nothing really to do with your actual feelings about sex or attraction, rather they are driven by ocd and uncertainty.

I hope you continue to talk to your therapist and maybe look at possibly getting on some meds to help with the anxiety, which I can attest will kill any interest in sex.

Find a way to accept you have those thoughts and just let them be. The less you react to them the less power they will have over you.

Good luck.

[MJCW in reply to OCDneedshelp]

Hi!

Thank you very much for your answer! It is always nice to hear something like that though looking for reassurance makes your hocd worse.

So you had hocd 20 years ago and now you don’t have it anymore? How did you treat it? Did you take some meds? Are there some meds after which you still want sex?

I talk with one girl and she told me that she was all her life straight and now she is bi or less and she had same story like me. She told something about compulsory heterosexuality that the girls learned all their lifes that they need to be hetero that they live in hetero culture and they don’t know that they are lesbian and they know it first when they are older like me. I got panic attack when she told me that. How is it possible to not know the sexuality? And that I should go to the lgbt therapist cuz my therapist has no idea

My therapist told me that we are bored with our sexual orientation and the people they came out later just had fears about what the people say cuz in the past homo was not accepted.

Everyone tells something another. I go crazy

Best regards

Marta

[OCDneedshelp in reply to MJCW]

OCD loves uncertainty. I’d urge you to talk with someone you trust and find some books on exposure response therapy or acceptance commitment therapy. You may find that medicine would help reduce the anxiety. But yes this is a very common ocd concern and one that people overcome.

[MJCW in reply to OCDneedshelp]

Thank you for your help!

[OCDneedshelp in reply to MJCW]

No problem and again the best of luck.

[Playonwords]

Hi yes, I’ve experienced HOCD and ROCD in various combinations. Once my brain gets tired of obsessing over one topic, it shifts to another. I was just diagnosed with OCD this spring and it’s gotten better with OCD specific treatment, sex therapy, and medication. The HOCD is very low and the ROCD is still lingering but is overall better. I also have trouble with orgasm, which I think feeds into these fears and obsessions. Some progress I’ve made is that I don’t search online anymore and the compulsion to do so has almost gone away. I seek out more information about OCD through IOCDF, podcasts, etc. This helps me feel less alone. Reading your post helped me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing your story! I would also suggest ROCD.net. Guy Doron is a researcher in the area of ROCD and has good resources including an app called GGRO that has helped me. Good luck and you are not alone!!

[MJCW in reply to Playonwords]

Hi you! Thank you very much for share your story too! It helps always very much.

I think many women have a problem with orgasm and it is quite common. I had rocd but now I am sure that I love my boyfriend. Now my biggest problem is hocd.

What is a sex therapy?

I have a therapist who understand ocd but never heard about hocd. But he helps me. Sometimes I am a bit confused cuz if I would go to the lgbt therapist he would tell me that I am a lesbian. And which therapist is right? People say that they don’t understand ocd but what if the ocd therapist don’t understand lgbt things?

[Playonwords in reply to MJCW]

It’s just therapy with a therapist who specializes in relationship and sexual issues. They often also specialize in lgbtq issues. Glad we can help each other!

[MJCW in reply to Playonwords]

But if they are lgbt did they tell you that you are bi or homo?

[Playonwords in reply to MJCW]

No, they were just very skilled in that area to talk things through with me

[MJCW in reply to Playonwords]

Nice. I think if they are specialized in lgbt topics they would recognize if you were really not straight