I have HOCD but it wasn’t that bad. But I made mistake come to USA seeking for treatment. I went to Rogers Behavioral center in Miami. With the instruction of the therapist, I turned the romantic music on and asked to image having sex and relationship with women happily. The therapist told me to image that I am lesbian and asked me to enjoying women in my head. This therapy experience got me serious psychological problem combined with OCD. I then quit and left.
Now my obsession kept asking me why my brain felt romantic to image with women when romantic music was on. Does that mean that I had one moment of homosexual feeling when my brain felt romantic to image with woman when the music was on? Why I could think of homosexual relationship with woman easier with romantic music on? Why it was easier to image with beautiful woman? Did I truly feel easier to image with beautiful woman or not? Why image with women feel beautiful to me?
I felt a lot of discomfort and felt depressed. It has been 7 monthes until that happened.
I am on medication for about 7 monthes too, but medicine seem not help.
I lost all my money doing treatment. Thinking of paying money to get this doubt for the rest of my life. I feel sad and depressed. Why I pay to get problem?
I wish I never ever came to America. I won’t get serious psychological problem.
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Lost2022
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Hi I am very sorry for your experience so far I’m America but it is not like that everywhere here.
Your life always will have hope because God is real! God wants to have a personal relationship with every person by way of his Son Jesus. Jesus is our hope because he died for all of our sin and then rose from the dead to conquer death forever by the power of the Holy Spirit! That same spirit can live within us if we believe in him!
I know it sounds far out there but if you put yourself out there and be vulnerable by asking him for help, he will surprise you. God is always working and will put people and experiences in your life for your good if you trust in him.
God bless you and never give up hope because he won’t give up on you!
It honestly sounds like your exposure was working because it caused you anxiety and distress…. it just doesn’t sound like it was carried out enough in order for the anxiety to decrease.
I’ve had days and weeks where I’ve felt like you do now. It never lasts forever - these seasons do pass.
It’s a wrong exposure, my life got destroyed by this experience completely. If I never went to that Rogers Behavior center, I won’t get such serious mental problem
It is completely wrong exposure, even a non ocd suffer will get psychological problem if the therapist did that on them. Let alone I am an OCD, it makes me struggle more while I have the doubting disease.
I believe right exposure would get me better, I recovered from natural exposure before I went to therapy. After therapy then my mental problem began. Only cause that therapist is inexperienced. I searched her profile online, she only has couple of monthes erp working experience. How dare her?
She shall go to die?
Now I am hesitanting on whether start therapy with OCD center of Los Angeles. But I guess no therapist can completely cure the psychological harm caused by that therapist.
Lost, your response was likely due to conditioning. Just like Pavlov's dogs who were conditioned to salivate when a bell rang, our brains and bodies are conditioned to respond to romantic music. That's why they use it in movies and is probably why your therapist chose it for what sounds like a single session of exposure therapy, which wasn't enough to lower your anxiety level in imagining the scene. I'm sorry you're feeling lost and had such a poor experience in therapy. Please know there are people here in the US who do understand.
It’s so hard to have all those questions appear in my brain everyday. It’s tourturing and I wish to end such life. I tried so hard to sit with uncertainty but I can’t. That triggering is overwhelming and it’s not easy that one can just accept uncertainty and move on with life. How dare her to destroy my life likes this? I wish I never ever went to the so called best OCD treatment center(Rogers Behavioral). They took my money and destroyed me completely. 500dollars a day
I think if I have got the correct exposure, my condition would get better. But that therapist apparently is very inexperienced and trigged me badly and add more mental problem. I searched her profile online, she never had erp work experience before joining Rogers Behavior center, she is only trained for erp for couple of monthes. How dare they let someone not qualified to do therapy on me? That is very harmful. Actually before I went to therapy, I got recovered by myself with natural exposure in life and convinced that I am nothing homosexual. But I wasn’t smart enough and want to try therapy which added more problem.My rational mind knows every straight person probally would feel the same with romantic music on. Which has nothing to do with sexuality. However my OCD brain just can’t completely buy it. You know OCD is called doubting disease and OCD suffers are overthinkers.
Now all I want is to reduce the psychological harm that therapist caused on me.
Even normal straight people will get psychological harm if she does that on them. Let alone I am a OCD, it makes it double harmful
I understand your despair. I think every single person here has experienced it more than once in their lives. I would want to tell you that it will get better. Wherever you live, find a psychiatrist there. Not in a foreign country. I am originally for Europe but I moved to the US 11 years ago. I still use the same psychiatrist from back home. If you already have one, obviously it’s not doing enough because your meds should had started working long time ago so just change him/her.
I know you said you are broke but if you can afford to buy one book, pls buy this one. I promise you, you won’t regret!
Thank you. But I wonder if my English is good enough to understand the book well.
I pay the psychiatrist 500dollars every 30 minutes in Los Angeles. Obviously it is overcharged and I have lost a lot of money choosing that psychiatrist
I can’t live a life likes this, I have laid on bed for almost three days without eating properly.
My brain also worries if romantic music is on and a woman tells me she loves me in a romantic way. I may fall in love with a woman. I am scared and kept asking myself if it will happen if all the condition is romantic
I am not sure continue seeking for new therapy treatment will ever help. Cause my main obsession is caused by that stupid therapist from Rogers Behavioral
I think if I have gone the correct exposure, my condition would get better. But that therapist apparently is very inexperienced and trigged me badly and add more mental problem.
Actually before I went to therapy, I got recovered by myself with natural exposure in life. But I wasn’t smart enough and want to try therapy which added more problem.
My rational mind knows every straight person probally would feel the same with romantic music on. However my OCD brain just can’t completely buy it. I hate that therapist and she shall go to die by screwing my life. I hate those inexperienced therapist who only can harm us OCD worse
my brain also have a question says when romantic music on and one woman tells me she likes me in romantic way, I will fall in love with that woman during the romantic scene and music. I keep asking myself if that will happen or not
Do you come from a place with severe intolerance to homosexuality? Nowadays in the US, the fear of homosexuality, which was not uncommon in previous generations, is mostly gone.
Would you like to share your medications, if any, and the dosages?
I can accept my friends to be gay but not to myself. I prefer die. I am very straight in real life without any doubt. I just doubt if I had one moment of homosexual feeling while my brain felt romantic when romantic music is on.
I just doubt the one moment?
This obsession got me crazy and I prefer giving up this life with such doubt
Escitalopram 20mg a day
Clomipramine 150mg a day
The psychiatrist charged me 500dollars for 30 minutes consultation every month and the medicine doesn’t work to reduce my obsession. Instead it gets stronger.
I just quit treatment with this psychiatrist as I become broke and no longer can afford paying such expensive cost
Usually people consult a psychiatrist once a year or so, and the primary care provider takes over the prescribing, following the specialist's recommendation. At least that's what I've seen in the US. In addition, people tend to get the most benefit from pursuing cognitive therapy (Exposure Response Prevention) concurrently with medications.
If you read about human development, you'll likely learn that it is normal and common to have some homosexual thoughts or wondering, even in people who are straight. However, for one to gain real peace of mind, long-term therapy is key.
It's not clear to me in what country you are seeking treatment, and if you are in the US, whether you have health insurance. Please note that programs connected to hospitals generally offer financial assistance if the individual can show financial need. Colleges and universities also offer counseling services to students. If you would like to share your general location and situation, hopefully people can provide relevant information about treatment options.
I am in the US but leaving next month. I will go to Europe first then go back to my own country and use my insurance there for psychiatrist consultation and medication.
I stopped my treatment in the USA. I can’t afford psychiatrist here anymore.
I got psychological harm from therapist and I no longer give trust to any therapist easily. I probally would try my best to sit with discomfort in this life. And probally not go to therapy again
Those thoughts are made by imagination with the request of therapist. Not really natural thought. I was talking about what my brain feels like imaging
Dear Lost--
I am so sorry you had such a disappointing experience at the Rogers Institute. It doesn't sound like it was helpful at all and actually it sounds like it was very upsetting.
The first thing I would do is give Rogers some feedback, either by phone or mail. They should know about this therapist and about your experience and they should make some recommendations on your next steps. I would also let them know that you spent an enormous amount of money and now feel even worse. A reputable treatment center wants to hear from their clients and should always be trying to improve their treatments.
I am not a therapist, just another person with OCD, but I had a private therapist who was very helpful to me and I tried to imagine how she would have worked with you.
My therapist had me write out or record scripts and then read them over and over or listen to my recordings over & over, until my anxiety would go down. There are two strategies that helped me a lot: One was to lean into the doubting part of the scenario, because uncertainty is what is very difficult for us to tolerate. So, a script for your situation might be something like, "I may be a lesbian or I may not be a lesbian. I will never, ever, ever know for sure. Even in a million years I will never, ever know for sure." Read or listen to your script over & over and after a while, I promise, it will get boring and you will feel much less anxious.
Another strategy is to make your script very extreme and over-the-top. For example, something like, "No one has ever been more of a lesbian than me in the entire history of the world! A statue will be erected of me in the middle of the city that says "Lost2022 - The Most Lesbian Of All!" etc. etc. Make it really, really crazy and exaggerated. Rate your anxiety on a scale of 1-10 before you start and then read it over & over. At some point you will either get bored with it or laugh and then rate your anxiety once more. If I can go down from a 10 to a 7, then I stop and it will gradually get lower.
Do this a couple of times a day. After a while the scripts won't work any more, so make new ones. This will develop your anxiety-tolerating muscles and your doubting-tolerating muscles.
I promise this will help! Hang in there. And one last thing: I am a lesbian and I have a very happy life, even with OCD. 🙂 I'm a lot older than you and things get better as we get older. I have confidence that you will make a lot of progress on your OCD.
You found yourself in a form of ERP. That level seems high to me, did you go through other exercises or therapy before jumping into that, or did that happen on your first day?
ERP shouldn’t be jumped into like that, but inexperienced therapists may make that error and put you in a therapy that you are unprepared for, which will cause you to stop going all together.
Seek another therapist, tell them you had a bad experience with ERP, but you could still use help. Keep trying and take care!
It happens in the first week I went to therapy in Rogers. Clearly the therapist is inexperienced and I did research online. This therapist was only trained to do erp few monthes ago and had no related experience. I was charged 500 dollars a day and I become broke after that. I did not get better, instead I got this obession with me for more than 6 monthes already.
It’s hard to live the obsession keep doubting if I ever had one moment homosexual feeling while in real life I am heterosexual without any doubt.
Thinking of a life of living the uncertainty of doubts this thing make me not want to live the life.
I am no longer having the confidence to trust a therapist that much. I did trust the one in Rogers and she gave me a horrible obsession for more than half a year already.
It sounds like hilarious that I keep doubting if I had one moment of homosexual feeling while music is on right? While on the other hand, I am very heterosexual in real life.
Being exposured to women do not get me anxious feeling cause I am certain in real life I am straight.
I just doubt this one moment.
As I remember one therapist used to say even the most straight person gets one moment of homosexual feeling.
I’m sorry you had that experience. That would be like jumping head first into the ocean without first even learning to float. And bellyflopping on your way in too. One technique that I have found helpful for my own OCD is to not permit myself to engage in OCD rumination cycles. The minute you catch yourself, you stop, and pay attention to what is going on around you. This is difficult at first, but with practice you will be able to do it. You will find that the only place your OCD exists is in your imagination, and that you are giving it a place to invade your life when you ruminate. Also, you will realize that OCD is “Ego dystonic” which means your fears go against your core values or desires. That’s why it’s causing you distress. Take care!
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