Newbie with OCD spouse

[anotherwipe]

I don't personally deal with OCD but my wife suffers a lot. And I am rather codependent so I often go along with her rituals to keep the peace, but its destroying my life and hers. I'm so tired handing her another disinfecting wipe... but no amount of reasoning can change her mind.. Are there others who are here mainly for a spouse? I want to learn appropriate responses to her to change this situation because I'm so emotionally fried that I am often wishing for a divorce even though I love her. Just want to know if this is a good place for me to learn and get support or if I'm totally in the wrong group. Thanks.

[Hidden]

I would like to welcome you to the OCD Support Network.

We are here to offer hope and give help.

We are in this together.

[summerchild]

Hello, I don't know if there are people in your position here, but as a person experiencing ocd, it sounds like your spouse doesn't have the mental tools to deal with her obsessions. Ocd is an irrational disease ruled by fear, and the sufferer is taught in therapy that succumbing to the compulsions only INCREASE them. We are taught to identify our fears and deal with them healthily. You handing her disinfectant wipes is like adding oil to a fire. Logical reasoning is lost with ocd and it is identified by 'thinking errors', so of course you telling her no won't do anything to solve her distress. I suggest the both of you educate yourselves about what ocd actually is, and take professional help.

[Albertina_G]

It's very tough to live with someone who has OCD but you should not leave your wife in this crucial time and help her to get better with OCD. Try to identify the things which trigger OCD and what type of OCD it is, take her to a therapist that will help her and you to learn the techniques to handle OCD thoughts.

I have found some articles that can help you to handle your wife's OCD better

iocdf.org/expert-opinions/e...

treatmyocd.com/blog/how-can...

focusonthefamily.com/family...

[Harrison9]

I am here as I have a adult child that lives with me and has severe OCD. I have found that although most of the questions and answers are not directly relatable to my situation that by reading them I have greatly increased my knowledge of OCD and have very much benefited. I hope the same for you and wish you and your wife all the best.

[BlackOnyx]

If you have any questions and if you want to learn I think this is a good place to be.

[LuvSun]

Jon Hershfield has a really good book about coping with a family member with OCD

[anotherwipe]

Thank you all so much for the comments and resources. It does help. I will start reading more. I have read the book The boy who couldn't stop washing and it gave me some basic understanding but the cases described were so different, it made me wonder if she had it or not. Now I still believe she does, and I will persist in learning to support her. Unfortunately I have asked her for years to go to therapy with me or go by herself but she gets super angry and refuses. I've also mentioned she can read about it and sent her links but she just gets more angry. I think it is too painful to accept. And probably there are other issues she is dealing with. The OCD tends to go up and down like a roller coaster so sometimes I forget about it and think all is normal, then other times it is unbearable. It's hard for me because she denies there is any issue at all. She says everybody else has bad habits which is the reason for her precautions. So basically I am in a position where if anything in our relationship is to change I have to work on it myself. As in all things, I can only change myself, and give a good example, set boundaries, etc. Hope that she will respond. Again thanks for the info, I feel some hope from all of you. I love her so much, but I see OCD is at the root of most of our problems. So I want to learn a better way to respond to her. I would love to go to therapy with her, but she just won't agree to it.

[Hidden]

It's not helpful for her to entangle you in her OCD rituals. If she won't go to therapy with you or go by herself, that's fine. Just go by yourself and get some good strategies on how to disengage yourself from her obsessions and setting healthy limits. And I would stop for a while with trying to urge her to get help or sending her links. Try to do what I was advised to do with my teenage foster daughters--a certain amount of "planned ignoring." Don't get caught up in the same old argument, over and over. You'll just both get more dug in. See if you can practice stepping away, so if she tries to get you to disinfect everything or whatever it is she does, say, "I'm going to disinfect the table once and then I'm going out for a walk. You're welcome to join me, but if you'd rather stay home, I'll see you in 45 minutes." I'm not saying it's easy, but sometimes the best thing to do is just disengage and step away. Good luck.

[DeathtoOCD]

There are books out there for spouse with OCD, consider finding an OCD therapist, but remember only she can want to change, you can't keep help her to complete the rituals, if you can find someone that works with OCD they can show you how to help her without helping the OCD, it might also be helpful to tell her about how difficult it is for you, and tell her that well it i going to be hard, you can live with it without it controlling you.