feeling guilty - real event ocd

I have a huge fear that I've sexually assaulted people that I'm very close with. This includes one of my best friends that I love very much and would hate to end my friendship with. I remember when I was around 12-13 years old, she was talking about her ex bf from 6th grade who grabbed her on the butt without consent. And I forgot most of it, but I remember I said something like "well he was really young so I don't think he's a bad person for it, but what he did wasn't okay" or something a long those lines, I remember like a day later after that happened, I had this realization or something that I was like defending him because I was afraid that I also did something wrong to her, so I got defensive. So after I thought about that, I apologized to her for making an excuse for what he did by saying "he was really young" and she told me that it was okay, and it never came up again and we continued being friends.

Again, I don't even know if I have actually assaulted her or it's all in my head, because sometimes I think I've done something I didn't actually do. But I just remembered this and even though I apologized, I feel guilty for doing that ever because I feel like my intention was to defend him because I thought I did something similar to what he did to her. I really don't want to lose her though. She's really special to me, we have been friends for years now. Everytime I see her though, I always think about how I think I may of sexually assaulted her, and that I'm hiding something from her. But even if I told her, I don't even know if it really happened, so I don't want to end our friendship over something that didn't even happen. If anyone could share their opinion on this I would really appreciate it.

[Hidden]

I know there isn't a lot you can say to this, I just felt the need to vent.

[Surreylady]

I have bad OCD too. I read a lot of worry in this paragraph and fear about your friend. It's like you are very conscious about sexually assaulting someone.

Have you told your friend about your fears? does she know you suffer from OCD? if she doesn't know it's best not to tell her as you may scare her.

I think this is just all in your head x

[Hidden in reply to Surreylady]

Thank you for responding. Everything you said is true, about me being worried and afraid. No I've never told her about it. I know she might take it the wrong way since she wouldn't be able to relate to my worries.

[Mumofhocd in reply to Hidden]

Hi Samantha879, I think it’s a shame you don’t feel able to tell your friend about your OCD. It’s really important - and such a relief - to be honest in friendships and can make them even richer. Who knows, it might free her up to tell you something she’s never told you! Also it would enable you to check in with her about whether she feels you’ve ever done anything to her without her consent. It seems unlikely because you’re clearly still friends, but it’s good to be straight up about these things. You need to be careful not to turn it into seeking reassurance though - keep it to “do you feel I’ve ever done anything you didn’t consent to or felt uncomfortable about?” And then let it go 😊. Good luck

[Wheeloffortune]

Hi💖 have you seen an ERP trained ocd therapist?? That would really be helpful for you!! Your brain is giving you these thoughts/ and they are just thoughts. Your brain wants to be 100% certain and it never can be. You have to train your brain to live with uncertainty and doubt. It’s hard but very liberating!! You can do it👍🤟🏻💪🏻

[Hidden]

My OCD tricks me into over thinking or over analyzing me and what I perceive as true or something that I just made up. It can be a stumbling block that gets in the way of my wellness. I would not beat yourself up , you are human and are not quite sure of the truth. Try not to go to catastrophic thinking, it just makes the moment worse. Good luck with your journey.