My spouse developed contamination OCD around 14 months ago. She was also being extremely cautious during COVID also…reading a lot about germs and taking extreme precautions
She has been prescribed SSRI and therapy by both GP and multiple psychiatrists. She has refused to start medication but has worked with 4 therapists. Initial therapist were not OCD specialist and talk therapy did not help. Couple months ago she started working with OCD specialist. This therapist is asking for ERP but it seems my spouse is unable to start She keeps coming up with reasons for not starting . Even this therapist is asking her to start meds but she continues to refuse. She wants somebody to explain to her why her fears are illogical but this approach doesn’t seem to help ( she feels relaxed for a few hours after such conversations but actions don’t change)
Overall things are getting bad…she has now not left the house for last 6-7 eeeks (shoe rack and car are contaminated and need to be cleaned). All cleaning activities have to be supervised by her and done by me (she developed eczema on her hands around 12 months ago). Her cleaning demands ( rooks 7-8hrs to prep for her bat..taken after 30 days) are increasing everyday including asking for repeats since she didn’t see whether I did it or some doubt developed in her mind that I did not clean) example…clean door knobs, sinks, switches more frequently. Also when in doubt she has started throwing her clothes ( elaborate process of being photographed, cut with scissors and thrown in separate trash bag)
This has put the whole household in chaos
1. I left my job 5 weeks ago to help her but seems am enabling her by doing her compulsions
2. Kids (8,12) highly in-convienced because many places in the house are now quarantined for them. Winter has started but their winter jackets are not washed . Washer is constantly in use for her clothes
Last few weeks I am feeling overwhelmed as her cleaning demands are constantly increasing but when I push back she gets very angry. Also no revenue, how will things improve in the long run are probably stress adders for me)
Overall, wonder if anyone dealt with such a situation and how did they handle it
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JediYoda
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SSRI medication and ERP therapy are the two things most helpful to those with OCD. Your spouse is fortunate to have access to them, as many OCD sufferers do not. Together, medication and ERP can help her get better and get all of you out of the misery you are currently in. The only requirement is that she has to actually take the medication and actually do the therapy. Otherwise your situation will continue to deteriorate.
Enabling your spouse by doing her compulsions for her is only making things worse. If she is not concerned that her illness is harming herself, she needs to at least realize the full extent of the harm she is causing you and her children, both emotionally and financially.
I can't tell you how to make your spouse agree to do what she needs to do, but I will say that, in my case, I got serious about therapy and overcoming my OCD only after I realized that my illness was destroying my family, and that my wife was considering leaving with our daughter because our home life had become so difficult. Knowing that they felt they would be better off without me around hurt me deeply but I knew it was true and I couldn't blame them. They were supportive of me but practically they could not live their own lives with me constantly giving in to anxiety and compulsions. That, as well as the revulsion I felt about the irrational, compulsive person I had become, gave me motivation to do the hard work of ERP and get my OCD under control.
Hi. I am sorry, but I do not have any advice as I am not in a situation such as yours. I just want to tell you, that I am sorry you are going through this. I know it must be very difficult, because the OCD your spouse is dealing with, puts a lot of pressure on you and your family. I would like to say, though, that I think your spouse should take the medication, because that would help tame the intensity of their symptoms...take the edge off. I wish you the best.
So sorry, this sounds very painful and exhausting. Your primary responsibility is for the well-being of your children. I think if you keep that at the center, you won't go wrong. Sending hugs.
Your spouse is holding you hostage! Mental illness does not give anyone permission to abuse others. My take on this dilemma is to start prioritizing your own health and well-being, and that of your children. Arrange for your wife’s care and safety, then carry on with a lifestyle that is more bearable for you and your children. OCD should never be a prison sentence for family members. Start taking care of yourself!
Your situation sounds just like my husband and I, me being the contamination OCD and my husband being on the receiving end if it, just like you. So I am coming to you, with advice from your wife's side, hopefully. I figure it will help you to understand what she is going through and also help both of you.
I developed contamination OCD after the birth of our baby.
Do you know why your wife refuses to take meds/has she said why she won't take them?
I too refused meds for about a year. I refused them because I did not want to "be on meds" and I feared the possible side effects. I had a daily battle with myself over taking them or not. After a year of this internal battle, I finally decided that I would try the meds. I figured that I can at least try them and if they don't work/side effects aren't tolerable, I can stop taking them. (Though you should be aware, you can't just "stop", you need to ease/wean off them of a couple weeks or so, but I knew this and I was prepared to take that risk, as I had already wasted over a year, so a few more weeks is nothing)
It also can take up to 12 weeks for meds to take full effect. Again, I was aware and figured I had nothing to lose, but everything to gain, just by trying them.
So after about a year of the internal battle, I tried the meds, and almost instantly felt better the first day I took them, because I no longer had to have that daily battle with myself, it was a huge weight lifted, and made me feel better about myself immediately.
So, speak to your wife, find out why she doesn't want to take them (if you don't already know) ask if she is having a similar internal battle about them. See if she will be willing to try them and if they don't work, then she can stop.
The meds took a good few weeks to work fully, but having been on them for almost a year now, I can honestly say they have helped.
They don't take the OCD away, but they do "quieten" the OCDemon that is in my head, telling me "it's dirty/contaminated". The meds make this demon quiet enough that I can over throw it and do the exposure therapies. He is getting quieter and quieter as time goes on and I am doing the exposures. I don't think I would be able to do the exposures without the meds.
What also helps me is talking to others with the same or similar issues to me, makes me feel less "alone" with my OCD. Because, although my husband is very understanding of it, just like you are for your wife, he still doesn't know exactly what is going on In my head and the extent of the battles I am having in my head. So speaking to or even just reading about others with the same/similar issues, is a help.
I recommend your wife reading some of these posts, maybe even joining and speaking, voicing he issues. I also recommend some books, such as "the man who couldn't stop" or "brain lock". They both have a number of examples of others and their OCDs.
I am even happy for you to point your wife in my direction, to read some of my previous posts, or even message me to talk, if she wants.
I agree that by giving in to your wife's cleaning requests, you are enabling it and basically confirming her fears.
Once my husband and I had figured out my OCD, we now have a little deal, if I'm having an OCD flare up/I am worried about a contamination, I will tell him, I will say to him "FYI, I am having an OCD issue with....." And tell him, that way, he knows why I am going to be acting OCD/weird for a bit, and if it's a big flare up, he will ask me what he can do to help, which then gives me the opportunity to either face the exposure or have a "cheat" moment and ask him to clean it. Usually after a "cheat" moment, I feel pretty bad about it and wish I'd not given in. So my "cheat" moments are becoming less frequent.
It will help if you are able to involve/explain to your kids too, so she can say "mum is just having a flare up (or come up with a code word that you can all use, eg, "mum is just having a flibble flabble, moment") this will then be the cue for the kids and/or you, to leave her alone for a moment, so she can gather her thoughts and regroup in her head.
I tent to telly husband I am "having an Issue" and if I don't go on to explain said issue, he knows to simply say, "ok" and leave me to it, so I can go and "reset" myself.
I also find that distractions help. If I am having a flare up/doing an exposure, I try and distract myself from the task/exposure at hand. For example, say I am going to "not wash my hands after putting some rubbish in the bin" I will put the rubbish in the bin, whilst listening/dancing to music. Or immediately go do something else, read a book, play a game, watch TV, anything to focus my attention on to something else and distract me from the OCD.
Another tip, if it's a big exposure, then do it in small steps. Eg, when I wanted to reduce my hand washing time, I would pick 1 step of my hand wash routine and eliminate it, so I would scrub under each individual nail with soap, then repeat to rinse it off, so I eliminated the individual nail rinse from the process. Did this for a week or so, then moved on to eliminate another step, and so on. I am now at the point that my hand washes have gone from 20mins, to about 1 or 2 min and my hands are no longer dry, cracked, bleeding. (A change of soap also helped with dryness too. Liquid soap dries skin, I switched to bar soap, specifically "dove" bar soap and I saw improvement in my skin within a couple days)
I also wash my hands in cold water, as temperature doesn't matter in terms of washing off dirt and germs, it's the physical agitation that cleans. So by using cold water, it got too cold and uncomfortable for my hands, which helped me speed up my hand wash time, as it was hurting/uncomfortable, without actually doing damage to my skin/hands.
And hormones do contribute to OCD, so you can all expect, once a month, your wife's OCD will likely be a bit worse/heightened for a few days. Again, as long as you both acknowledge this, then you know there is an explanation for why she may seem a bit worse for a few days, rather than thinking she is reverting back.
And finally, it is a slow and difficult journey, and she will have some "bad days", but if you are both willing to work at it, it will get better.
The key is that your wife needs to want to do these things/wants to "get better". Before we figured out my OCD fully, my husband would push me to do exposures and all hell would break loose as I felt very pressurised, which made me less likely/not wanting to do them (made me feel a little like a naughty child, being told off) when we figured it out and he backed off and let me go at my own pace, it got much better for us both.
I hope this helps, good luck to you both and if your wife wants to talk, point her in my direction 😉
thanks the detailed response is appreciated. Lot of overlap with my situation.
Regarding meds- she seems to be concerned about long term effects….losing emotion, getting hooked to it etc. I am not sure if she is not sharing underlying concerns. We have discussed this with her psychiatrist and general practitioner but she is not concerned. Also plan will be to take meds under complete medical supervision. These days whenever topic of meds is brought up either by me or her parents (in different country) she just keeps talking about other things without responding. Let’s see how this unfolds!
She has been really having a bad time the last 2-3 days….. washing, rewashing clothes, throwing stuff away etc I think this is close to her monthly cycle IMO strong negative impact on OCD of this hormonal change
Will respond more once this passes over Hopefully!
Coming from someone who has had the "should I take the meds, but what if" battle with myself for a year, I can honestly say, give the meds a chance.If you look through some of my previous posts and replies, there is a number of them about the meds and my concern about taking them.
Feel free to point your wife in my direction to have a read (may also help her to know that she is not the only one)
It was a huge weight lifted when I decided to bite the bullet and take them.
All the "fears" I had about taking them, they never happened.
The only side effects I experienced were headaches for a couple weeks, whilst my body was getting used to them.
So I can fully understand your wife's concerns on taking meds.
I am on 20mg Prozac (fluoxetine) daily.
It is possible to start on a low dose and see how she gets on, and increase or change type/brand, if needed.
They won't make her emotionless, that is not what these meds do, they don't "numb", they "increase".
OCD, anxiety, depression ect... have "lack of serotonin" in common. The meds increase the uptake of serotonin and helps increase/stabilise your mood. So they won't make her emotionless, if anything they will make her happier, as they will clear the head fog/quieten the OCDemon, so that she can fight it easier.
While doing all my OCD and meds research (yes Google is an enemy, but also an ally) I came across someone who said:
"Use the meds as a crutch"
And this is very true, if you break your leg, you use crutches to help you walk. When you have any other illnesses and health issues, you take meds, use plasters, have injections, all to aid your body in helping itself. SSRIs are the same, they aid your own body to help itself, like an internal "crutch" helping your "broken" brain to "walk".
Once I realised this, this was one of the main contributions that helped me to decide to take them.
And I wish I had done it sooner!
I am happy to chat/message with your wife, if she wants to talk to someone who was in the same boat.
In terms of contamination/germs, I have done a couple years of research on OCD, contamination, bacteria. Even to the point of messaging/talking to microbiologists. I gained a fair bit of knowledge on bacteria, and know way more than the average layman, which has also helped me. By knowing how germs work, it has helped me with my exposures.
The meds have caged the OCDemon to the back of my mind, so he is still there and shouting, but he is quiet and muffled enough that I can think to myself, without him interrupting, I can then have a quick think about "do I need to wash this" and the response to myself is usually "no". Where as the OCDemon used to shout "throw it away/wash it, or it could kill your baby". Now all I hear from the OCDemon is "mmmmphfe wash it, or mmmppppphjjtvdui"
Then my knowledge of germs pipes up and I can think logically about it.
Again, I'm happy to talk to your wife and pass on my germ knowledge.
And also I will say, "you don't know, unless you try"
I agree with everything mmmmww said. SSRIs aren't addictive and they do not change my moods, at least not directly. Indirectly, they improve it, because they take the edge off of OCD and help me do therapy which in turn quietens the crazy thoughts. If anything, I am more myself with the SSRI, because it helps shut up the OCD.
FWIW, I know someone in my local support group who was also very reluctant to start meds until her therapist finally told her that she was simply not in a condition to begin therapy without them. She reluctantly started an SSRI, and that took the edge off enough that she could do ERP. Now she has broken free of much of the OCD and is living a much better life (and continuing to take the SSRI).
I have never been reluctant to take an SSRI, but I do understand people's hesitation because I have felt that way about certain other medications. At times I have been told to take a depressant (like one of the benzos) when I am having a really bad OCD episode. This just doesn't work for me because the dose of depressant I need to calm down does not leave me in any condition to work, drive, or make meaningful decisions. They may be very good for some people, but I don't like what they do to me, and therapeutic techniques have been much more helpful in getting through tough episodes. But I could not do the therapeutic techniques nearly as well (maybe not at all) without a regular SSRI, which has never made me drowsy, loopy, or anything except less obsessive.
hi m and all. I have a question… in you experience…if one has severe (maybe worse) OCD. Is this possible to do ERP. My spouse is working with an ERP therapist for 7-8 sessions (around 5-6week, sessions are 2/week but she has postponed a few. Her approach is to clean things and then start ERP. Initially therapist was ok as she say spouse is in severe avoidance mode. There was a setback and she wants to stop all ERP. this time therapist is pushing to keep doing and start with things with lowest stress intensity. The therapist asked for 3 such things from but she is wishay washy on this. Therapist strongly recommended to start meds This week I also had her meet (virtual) with her GP and kids pediatrician ( unbelievably great human) they also strongly pushed meds she says she will start after monthly cycle ( said this a few times)
I am thinking every exposure is very high stress ( some she acknowledges are O fear but others are genuine) but can’t stop compulsions for either.
I wonder if meds for 3-4 weeks before ERP may make sense. But thinking if she can take some other form of CBT. She has has several months of talk therapy since March but that seemed like reassurance and made situation worse.
I know of many people with severe OCD (some bedridden or hospitalized) who got better through ERP. Many are advocates or coaches in the OCD community (Shannon Shy, Ethan Smith, Chrissie Hodges).
ERP is difficult and at first there may be some trial-and-error finding an approach that allows the patient to do it consistently. Starting with exposures that cause the lowest stress is a common method but still may need some adjusting. Setbacks are normal, just as in any new endeavor.
If she is unable to do ERP now, but is willing to take meds, it may make sense to wait for them to work (up to 6 weeks or so). But she should be encouraged to do as much ERP as she can, as soon as she can.
Talk therapy may work for OCD for some people, but the general consensus is that it does not. OCD is driven by primitive parts of the brain that do not respond to reason. As my therapist said, you can't tell your brain that the obsessions are irrelevant, you have to show it. (I.e., talking about how washing is unnecessary will never convince a person with OCD that it is unnecessary, they have to stop washing to learn that it is unnecessary.)
My fear is that my spouse is heading towards getting bedridden she is already doing basic things at home
she has started to show physical symptoms…. dizziness. Her doctors wants her to come to the clinic but she hasn’t left the house in several months. Car plus shoe and jacket closet are severely contaminated!
Are any of the above people available for a coaching sessions
Hope she starts the meds
Pardon my asking…is OCD part of your journey? If yes…how did you go about dealing with it
It sounds like her therapist understands OCD and has a good plan to deal with it. If she doesn't have good rapport with the therapist she may want to try another. ERP therapy and meds are what have helped me get my OCD under control.
I am in a very similar situation: Wife suffering from contamination OCD, three young children, and going on about 3 years of the disorder ruling our household.
I find stories like yours helpful for a few reasons, namely, to know there are others experiencing similar battles, so thanks for sharing.
My wife refuses all treatment. She has determined that doctors will be unable to help her unless they too suffer from OCD. I have reached out to many practitioners in an effort to find a provider licensed in our state that meets that requirement, but I have come up short. In fact, nobody except me and her parents are even aware of her disorder (and her parents only know because in a weak moment she admitted it to them so she could ask where they had been in our house in order to clean those areas). As a result, nobody is allowed in our house, and I am forbidden from explaining why to our families, neighbors, and children. It's miserable.
Over the last few years my efforts to have constructive conversations with her about the disorder have typically led to heated arguments, tears, and what seem like setbacks in our ability to communicate about it at all. I mostly avoid it at this point because I value a peaceful home for our kids. What confounds me is my ability to find success in my profession, which often involves being an effective, persuasive communicator, and yet I'm an overwhelming failure at home when it comes to convincing her to trust a doctor and attempt ERP (I default to accommodation so that our children do not bear witness to constant fights and tension).
The most frustrating aspect of it all is that we had 12 years of marriage without OCD. We were a great team, split household duties, had similar goals, and shared many of life's great passions with one another. OCD has nearly killed it all. Everything is filtered through the lens of whether a new adventure can somehow be accommodated to mollify the OCD. Vacations are a monumental task (especially upon a return home). Cleaning and shower routines make short work of what would otherwise be our free time. And our cloistered lives have alienated our friends and family. Sometimes we watch home videos from pre-OCD days, and I can't help but wonder what goes through her mind--just look at how we used to live!!!
I'm overwhelmed at the thought of failing as a father. I can't them independence because of the OCD logistics. The kids can't invite their friends to play at our house. Changing a lightbulb, fire alarm, or putting up a Christmas tree requires elaborate gymnastics that confuse everyone, but my children know no different and believe it to be normal. I'm torn between being frank with my kids about their mother's disorder or remaining honest with my wife.
Most of the advice I see suggests that one must finally draw a line in the sand and threaten their spouse with the kids or their marriage in order to force a stubborn spouse to seek treatment. I cannot begin to imagine that as an appropriate measure, and it's likely the reason she will continue to attempt her own version of "self-directed therapy", a process I'm supposed to trust will eventually work. I hope and pray it does.
Hi JediYoda. I admire you taking the time and effort to look for help although it is your wife's responsibility to do so.
I have Harm OCD, very different from contamination OCD, but if left untreated extremely severe and debilitating. When I started experiencing OCD for the first time I was so terrified that I needed someone to physically take me to see a therapist. I'm happy you are there for your wife, but some things she needs to do on her own. As my psychiatrist once told me "Don't drag your husband into this. This is your own fight." Same with your wife. You can be supportive but overall there is nothing else you can do.
Conversations help your wife for few hours because OCD loves reassurance and is seeking it all the time. When your wife's mind gets reassured, it calms her for a while but then OCD strikes even harder. Reassurance = OCD fuel.
I'm pro medication person because SSRIs helped me (and continue to help) live "normal" life. Therefore, I can assure you with the right meds, your wife will feel like herself again. Second, buy a book called "How to overcome unwanted intrusive thoughts" and make her read it or listen to it. She will feel like someone is telling her particular story and hopefully will encourage her to take some actions and improve her life.
I used to suffer with reassurance ocd and have gotten better now, I knew everything I ask reassurance I'm strengthening the ocd and making it stronger my mother knows that aswel so my. My old therapist would point out when I'm asking her to remind me of when I'm asking for reassurance as it was a habit. I still repeat myself in my head,all ocd have sane thing I'm common the more you give into compulsions the more your making it worse,so if you are helping her compulsions say I love you bit I got to help you,I'm here for you bit this is something I need to do to get you better. I can't enable you to do compulsions anymore,it's a short term fix and it makes you alot worse in the long run,so I'm going to not help you with compulsions and it will feel uncomfortable and ile be with you all the way but I won't help you make yourself worse by giving you help with compulsions we have to try and stop them with small steps and in the long run they will lose thier power. I'm trying to help you stop compulsions not because I don't date,but because I love and want you better.
Unfortunately, my spouses mental health keeps regressing. She is becoming extremely aggressive and forcing all kinds of compulsion action. Also when in such state is really mean and nasty towards me. I know it’s her OCD. This is when she is awake Is really struggling to get up in the mornings
I don’t think she intends to start meds. Even therapy is on hold.
Wonder how badly in OCD is regressing.
I am seriously considering moving out with the kids. Though, don’t know how she will manage. She needs to go do most chores related to her eating, bathroom etch. What a f Up situation. Maybe come a few hours per day to help!
Sorry to hear it's going badly. Have you talked to her therapist about how to handle this? Resistant patients must be fairly common. There may be no great options but there might be a "least bad" course of action that has helped others navigate these situations.
her therapist asked to start meds asap. She changed to a new therapist who has also asked to immediately start meds. She said need meds for few weeks before therapy can start to help
As an update, my spouse did start the prescribed SSRI around 10 days ago. She has started with Fluvoxamine at 25mg ( goal is to get to 100mg). The one side effect she is dealing with is insomnia/intermittent sleep. At this time it is manageable and she is planning to talk to the psychiatrist this week for moving up 50mg.
The psychiatrist is not expecting her to see benefits at this low dosages.
She has still not resumed her therapy as i think she remains hesistant to try ERP and the recent therapists are encouraging that approach. I wonder if anybody has tried NOCD therapist in the states.
She still struggles to admit/acknowledge that her fears are completely irrational, hence compulsions are ongoing. I wonder if anyone has recommendations for a book/ pod cast to help figure out when is a thought real or obsessive? We did sign up for a training class through impulse. Let’s see if it helps
I'm glad she's consented to taking the meds. Hopefully they will give her some relief and the ability to try some therapeutic techniques. I have not used NOCD but have heard other people say that it was effective for them.
Just want to get insights on how to support my spouse on this.
She started SSRI around 3 weeks ago (still at a very low dose of 1/4 of target). It will be some time before she gets to recommended dose. So far not much benefit in OCD symptoms (what the psychiatrist expected).
My question is regarding her therapy. She has been avoiding therapy for more than couple of months (we also talked to other therapists during this time). I believe one reason is that she is scared to do ERP. I did talk to her therapist about this and she agreed to initially focus on CBT (thought process)more since it seems my spouse still believes most of her fears are real. My spouse still does not attend sessions. I wonder if folks here have experienced this and how did they overcome such resistance (waiting for meds to kick in is one option, but I am not sure if we can put all our eggs in that basket)
To provide more context, she is housebound for last several months and doing basic functions mostly with my support. These days I get the feeling she does not even want to discuss OCD or do anything to improve it (which was not the case 3-4 months ago…aggressively reading books, discussing solutions but just unable to act). Her therapist says she is in extreme avoidance.
Hi. I wonder if she has just given up or if she's so sick that therapy seems to her, like it is just pointless.
My ex has SEVERE depression. I had tried desperately to get him help. When we got it, he didn't follow through w/ the "instructions" the therapists recommended. There were health care aides that came to see him, and still he could not find a way out of his depressed state of mind. He eventually stopped some of the therapy he was given, and he stayed the same, if not worse.
He is now in a nursing home, BC he can't take care of himself due to his depression. His depression had started as somewhat bad, then moved on to severe (over about a 4 month period), and now he can't take care of himself.
I am saying this, BC it could come to the point where your spouse gets too far into her illness, that it will take much more help to get her relief. In my opinion, if she won't take the help now, after everything you and the drs have tried, it may be better to intervene with a more serious approach rather than wait for her to accept help. Maybe inpatient hospitalization, even for a little time, just until she can get meds adjusted or until she realizes that her condition is severe.
It seems like you have done everything you can. Sometimes caregivers need a break from a situation, BC it can be exhausting to keep "fighting" to help someone, when they go against the help they are offered.
I really hope your situation improves. Good luck with everything!
thanks for the input. What kind of OCD does your ex have? My spouse has contamination OCD so she is not even going to consider hospital center treatment ( especially in current state)
I think her mental state is still that she can take her decision. In the US she will need hospitalization on her own ask. Plus I am hoping through more ideas I can get her to increase med dose faster ( wiyh doc consent) and attend therapy. Our whole family life is in a quagmire. She gets so angry at me these days ….because nothing gets done since everything has to be done with her watching and each task is very detailed plus she is only available to do stuff a few hours. Basically a downward spiral
Your question about whether she has given up is worthy of consideration. Not sure how to motivate her to try for improvement.
My ex had undiagnosed OCD, but I had recognized it in him, since I have OCD. He had repeated his thoughts, going from point A to point B, then going over what he had just said again. Like no matter what I or drs had said, he couldn't grasp the concept of what we were telling him.
What I had written before, was based mainly on my ex's depression. But I was trying to say that a condition/illness can get so bad, that it takes over to the point where the sufferer is not able to accept or get help, BC they are so far into the illness. It can become so overwhelming, (at least in my ex's case), that help does not seem like a realistic possibility to the person experiencing it. The illness can progress, until it may become so severe, that it will take more than a push to get the sufferer to accept or admit they need help.
I've been on ssri meds for 31 years since this contamination OCD started after my 3rd child I have mild OCD and have more rumination than compulsions. I can't go off these meds. She needs meds and help. I Luckily took them so I never ended up as severe as your wife. It's an awful illness Did you consider inpatient therapy No one should live like this and you can't enable her.
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