Wife’s OCD

[Talc_Ini]

My wife has PTSD based OCD. Our apt is completely contaminated and our 1 year old son is not to touch any surface but the crib. She yells and at me constantly and into the night. She won’t let me return to work and she has insomnia. She’s decided that we have to leave everything behind and move to Arizona. I can’t go on livi in her world, but I’m totally trapped in it. She refuses to get treatment because therapists are contaminated. I have no idea how to handle the situation.

[kellikaye]

She needs to see a therapist and possibly try medication. I’m trying out a new therapist on the NOCD app. They take insurance and it’s teletherapy so she won’t be exposed to anyone’s germs. She needs to do ERP therapy. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. That is rough. She is in distress. 😢 I hope she will be willing to go to therapy. It’s life changing.

[sligoguy in reply to kellikaye]

you need to get her the help she needs ..ask a professional therapist for the right way to approach this situation ..for all your sakes ...there are good ones out there who will advise you .but go to a ocd expert not just any therapist and get the ball rolling

[Ariadnee]

Hello! I understand that your wife suffers a lot.... She needs to see a therapist as soons as possible, medication can be very helpful... Medication can help her manage her OCD better. She could contact a therapist and a doctor via internet. Pandemic and OCD is unbearable for some of us. My thoughts are with you. Stay safe.

[Hidden]

If she won't see a therapist, I recommend you see one yourself, so you can come up with a plan together. This is a miserable situation for the whole family. I'm so sorry.

[Hidden]

Dear Talc_Ini:

This is not a safe or healthy situation for you or your child. What if you or your child needs to go to the doctor? How is s/he getting well-child visits and vaccines? Keeping your child in the crib all day is not at all healthy developmentally. Your child needs to be crawling around, climbing, playing with toys and books, and exploring.

If you can't see a therapist right away, please run the situation by your child's pediatrician and/or your own doctor. If your wife won't agree to get help you may need to give her an ultimatum: "Get help now or I'll be forced to take the baby and leave." I understand she is unwell and suffering, and my heart breaks for all of you, but as a father you need to put your child first. Your baby needs you even more than your wife does.

I would start making a plan as to where you could both go. Do you have siblings, cousins, parents or friends in the area? In the meantime, you may be eligible for FMLA if you are being compelled to stay home to take care of your family.

Wishing you strength in this excruciating situation.

--A health care professional with OCD

[Talc_Ini in reply to Hidden]

Thanks For the responses. The baby doesn’t stu in the crib all day. He stays in a crib in a room with me at night. In the morning I immediately get him ready and head straight out to the stroller. I grab milk and food and then head out to a park by the lake. I keep him out until his noon nap and then back to the crib. When he wakes up I take him back out to the park, and so it goes.

My wife is an immigrant and my family live in another state. She hates my family and will not allow them to see our boy. So, I’m really stuck in this situation the way it is until I can either find a clean apartment. In the mean time she’s having me wrap up furniture and carry it out to dump in allied blocks away so that the particles could maybe be rid of...

As for my own health, I’m not allowed to see doctors or therapists because we need to focus on her. I’m constantly being sent to the shower to decontaminate and she is always taking my clothes away to be washed. Right now if she sees flies in the house, it means the whole place has been contaminated and I have to clean everything again because the flies move particles around everywhere.

[DeathtoOCD in reply to Talc_Ini]

All I can say is that she doesn't have the right to make you accommodate her OCD. And she doesn't have the right to have you neglect your health. If she doesn't want to get better, then that's fine, but she doesn't have the right to force her symptoms on you. Also there may be other things at play here too maybe, but that's is not a situation that you should be forced to live in.

[Fargo-Guy]

These are the hard ones for sure. She needs med to help slow her fear. Needs to see a doctor. Can’t fix it by yourself.

[Hidden]

I'm glad you and your son get out a lot. It sounds like a very tough situation. You said your wife is an immigrant. Is she a non-native English speaker? Maybe she'd feel more comfortable with a doctor/therapist who speaks her first language?

[DeathtoOCD]

Well, there are teletherpy services, in the case that she doesn't want to touch the doctor or be near them. I mean I hate to say, it but, you might need to impress upon her the seriousness of the situation, I mean I would rather this not be the case, but if she is making you suffer then you need to get out of that situation. I mean she has the right to not be seen by a doctor, and you can't force her to want to get better. But you might have to make unlimatum about her relizing that she has a problem and needs to treat it, or you might have to leave, she can suffer all she wants to, that's her right, but she doesn't have the right to force you to keep her symptoms going or ruin your life. At the least find yourself someone to talk to. And if she won't let you, because she is so important, then that is her problem not yours. Also if she is an immigrant, then you should try to find someone who could connect her with someone that speaks her native language. I know that there can be some very powerful issues with immigrant communities.

[3BirdLover]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.... your poor wife is in a frenzy trying to deal with this on her own. She lashes out at you since she is so wrapped up in this she can't stand it. She feels there is no where for her to go to escape this terrible feeling. I've been there....my husband felt helpless.

My advice would be to find a OCD therapist that would be willing to do a skype or some other video call with the both of you until she feels like she is able to go in person maybe at a later time. Especially during this pandemic, therapists are doing zoom calls with patients.

Your wife needs help with her OCD and she probably also needs to be on meds for this, as most of us are. You also need help knowing how to deal with it, and how to best support her.

Please do not put this off...it affects everyone in the family.

Please know that there is help for this. But it is CRUCIAL that you find an OCD therapist...not any therapist will do. On the iocdf.org website there is a place you can put in your zipcode to find a OCD therapist in your area.

Keep writing with your questions. There are great webinars from the IOCDf.org that have helped me with all kinds of tips. However the frenzy your wife is in, she needs immediate attention to settle down first.