struggling at the moment - OCD contamination

[Rose_0]

I was diagnosed with OCD ten years ago and have never full it got it under control. It is to do with contamination and fear of contamination particularly HIV. I had COVID a few months ago and since then my OCD has been creeping up especially when stressed. Last week I fell on the ground in a car park staircase at work where there is sometimes used needles. I didn’t land anything but had dirt all over my pants. This has really caused me to spiral. I stayed at work the day and now I feel like I’ve contaminated my desk at work, my work laptop and work pass and mobile. I’ve had to take sick leave even though I started a new role in my job which caused additional anxiety. At the moment I am either avoiding areas of my house or cleaning and then showering. I took off my pants in the laundry to wash but a few days later I threw out and now feel like my laundry is contaminated. I’ve left my work bag and work laptop in a part of the house and avoiding it but really want to bleach the laptop and throw out the bag. When I fell I didn’t even care I hurt my knees. I feel like I don’t want to go back to work. Don’t have a psych at the moment and couldn’t get in to my general doctor yet so waiting to see her to talk things through. It has pushed me to take action as when I was first diagnosed I was showering with bleach and using a whole bottle of shampoo every time I’d have a shower which was multiple times a day.

[Sallyskins]

There are rational arguments against your OCD as I'm sure you're already aware. For a start, HIV rapidly becomes inactive once outside the body and can't infect anyone. And it can only be transmitted body to body or blood to blood - it certainly can't be transmitted needle to ground to bag to you or to anybody else.

I know that rationalizing it doesn't necessarily rid you of the feeling of being contaminated and it takes a while to get used to the feelings of being dirty or infectious. But really, there is no need to bleach anything or throw anything out.

The problem here is that the thinking, rationalizing part of the brain is often overwhelmed by the more primitive parts of the brain. This is necessary - for example if you live somewhere were there are poisonous snakes, and you think you've just encountered one, your immediate response is likely to be one of fear and the need to get away. Standing around waiting to think about what it is, and whether it's really poisonous isn't an option - in the meanwhile you could be bitten! But afterwards you may realize that it's a non-venomous snake, or a stick lying on the ground, or something else perfectly harmless.

So the feelings generated by OCD take over from the rational part of the brain. And dealing with OCD means you have to live with the uncomfortable feelings for a while, and get used to them. They do start to recede, but it takes effort and practice.

It might be worth investing in a self help book or two - there are some excellent ones on the market. Make sure than any you get use CBT techniques - Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder actually deals with fear of infection with HIV, and The OCD Workbook is another good one. They have exercises you can adapt to suit you.

Remember, too, that your body is armed with an immune system that fights off infections, and that most germs are harmless or actually beneficial! Being too clean can kill of the good germs. The skin is actually a very effective barrier to infection.

If the place where you work is sympathetic, it might help to talk to them about your OCD so they can keep your job open for you. Meanwhile try out a few exercises - starting to use the supposedly contamination articles again. Just start by dipping your toe in the water, as it were - maybe put the laptop on a table and leave it there for example.

I know how you feel, and I struggle each day. But it's something that you can manage.

[Rose_0 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you so much for your response. Yes I know the thoughts are irrational and it’s the feeling of it. Like I just keep thinking about the dirt that was on my pants and it was full of blood when I know it isn’t rational. I went to see my doctor and we talked about changing my medication from Zoloft to Fluvoxamine and she gave me a referral for a psychologist so currently researching one who specialises in OCD. I will definitely check out the books you have mentioned. I feel like the more I avoid something the harder it gets to do, I do have to touch my laptop as I am going back to work on Tuesday and the thought of using it and my desk and work is giving me anxiety but I know I have to do it.

[Sallyskins in reply to Rose_0]

It certainly does get harder the more you avoid it! Managing OCD is often about making compromises and deals with it - many, perhaps most, therapists say you shouldn't accommodate it at all, but it's difficult to put this into practice. It's really a question of making sure that the deals and compromises are in your favour, not the OCD's.

Try not to ruminate over the laptop and desk - just treat them as though you have no problem with using them. Going over and over it in your mind just reinforces the OCD. Is it contaminated? Is it not contaminated? It's likely to be uncomfortable, particularly at first, but the discomfort will recede and the less you think about it the better.

[Rose_0 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you 😊 I have realised recently that a lot of things I avoid not just in this instance and in the long run it hasn’t helped. I also have been looking up certain things on the internet that don’t help ie how to clean blood/dispose of syringes as then I think “see if there are so many precautions I should be worried” . I know I should not be doing this. I am hoping once I get back to work and start using the items again it will be a start.

[Sallyskins]

That's the spirit! Don't expect immediate results - fighting against OCD takes a lot of trial and error, but it gets easier. Let the feelings of discomfort in, and then let them subside.

And don't check the internet! It just makes it worse. It reminds me of the scene at the beginning of the classic book 'Three Men in a Boat' by Jerome K Jerome where he reads a medical encyclopaedia and discovers he has most of the diseases in the book! The doctor tells him not to be so silly. So he goes on holiday with his mates instead.

[TomFed]

Don't try to assure yourself out of obsession (that you don't have HIV) and stay away off compulsions. First, the most obvious ones. Then when you get a little better, you can go into microcompulsions and all these hardly noticeable mental ones that people with OCD usually have developed thoughout the years of trying to deal with this disorder. Reach out to specialists who can offer you ERP treatment if you haven't done it yet. We are all here to heal. Make it your goal No.1 . There is nothing more important in this world than you healing and learning to love yourself. I literally mean it. Good luck!