I am new here. Have had OCD for thirty years, sadly was only diagnosed about 7 years ago. No one recognized my intense death anxiety that always came about when I was especially depressed was OCD - not even when I couldn’t shut up about it all day and couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop ruminating and researching and trying to be reassured….in the mental health facility they told me to “don’t talk about it and stop the thoughts”. In between, I had OCD in the form of being afraid of accidentally harming someone. Now, the major depression and therefore the death anxiety has reared its ugly head again, can’t sleep for fear (losing consciousness, you know, in sleep), can’t enjoy life, can’t stop thinking anout it, the whole shebang. But this time, I know while it is normal to fear death and all surrounding it, my intensity of fear and the fact that it pops up like every two seconds is OCD! No one told me, I figured it out some day with the help of sites such as this.
Finally I know that all these years, I have made it worse by trying to figure out the uncertainty (and the universe…still would like to, though, it’s quite an interesting place).
Now I have started to just recognize the thoughts and try not to engage. But oh, it is so hard, especially on a severely sleep deprived mind.
Anyone here had OCD so long, maybe even this particularly nasty type, and overcome it? Can I expect to be able to enjoy life (and sleep!) again?
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Willowoman
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I have had various flavors of OCD for the last 40-odd years, but through it all I have been a champion ruminator. Whether my main concern was contamination, health, relationships, religion, accidentally causing a fire, or whatever, I would fall back on rumination as my go-to compulsion when I couldn't do physical compulsions. (E.g., if I finally left for vacation after checking the stove and appliances for an hour, I would then start ruminating on whether I really checked something properly, and what might happen if I hadn't. I could spend hours every day of the trip thinking about it, even while trying to put on a cheerful front for the sake of the people with me.)
Point is, I think I know what you mean, and I think that ERP therapy for the last couple years (mainly "trying not to engage" with the thoughts when they come up) has helped me enormously. I still have obsessive thoughts, but when I resist engaging with them they fade away a whole lot faster than they used to. I also seem to have them much less frequently, and I am able to recognize them when they appear and catch myself before I start arguing with them.
As you say, it is very hard to resist engaging, but if you resist consistently, the less the thoughts will haunt you. In time I think you have every reason to believe that you can enjoy life and sleep again, even if OCD episodes do bother you a little from time to time. Just remember that even though you can't stop the intrusive thoughts from coming up (and you shouldn't try), you can stop ruminating, because it is a compulsion that you control just as much as any physical compulsion (not easy, but possible).
BTW, about being sleep-deprived -- you may have heard of the "H.A.L.T. risk states," which I believe were first used in addiction recovery. The idea is that you are particularly vulnerable to your addiction (or in our case, obsessions) when you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Sometimes when I am exhausted and trying to get to bed, but get hung up on one compulsion or another, it helps to remember that it is particularly bothersome only because I am tired. When I can recognize what's going on, it's easier for me to take the obsession less seriously, stop responding to it, and go to sleep.
I found your message encouraging and helpful. I’m 53 and have had OCD since I was 15. So, I’m going on 38 or 39 years with this illness.
Do you feel that you are in a place of recovery?? Do you feel that you will ever get there??
I feel that I am in a place of recovery for the past 3-6 months, but I have had losses along the way in my family. Not physical losses, but estrangement. So, I’ve been wondering if my recovery is all worth it if I’ve lost loved ones along the way? What was it all for? What does the healing amount to if I’ve lost the ones I love the most?? I’ve been struggling with these thoughts. Any feedback would be appreciated.
I think that I am in recovery but still have areas to work on. I do believe that I will get there as long as I make it a priority.
Regarding your other questions, I'm sorry about the estrangement with your family. I don't really have much advice on that front but it might be a good question to pose to the whole forum, as I'd think there are others here who have been in that situation. In my case, I think that life is enough better without OCD running the show that I would continue to work on recovery for my own sake. OCD used to govern when/what I could eat, what I could wear, where I could travel, and so many other things, and freedom from all that is worth it on its own.
I've heard of people feeling disappointment during recovery, sometimes just having a feeling of "now what?" after they get some control over their OCD. I would think a therapist could help you work through your situation if your feelings don't become more positive on their own. There is always opportunity to rebuild life and relationships after trauma.
I am in my early 60s, had depression most of my life but only recognised I had pure O about 18 months ago. My ruminations/obsessions had settled on a similar fear to yours ie death or more specifically the fear that I might find myself in an afterlife of eternal suffering, involving torture etc ie ‘hell’.
I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that (1) it might not happen and (2) somehow I would cope.
These circuitous ruminations served to fuel the associated fears and locked me into a vicious circle.
ERP has helped me regain my equanimity. By ERO I mean recognising the thoughts but not engaging them. Very subtle. This has taken a long time to reach the point I’m at now-a recognition that yes these horrible scenarios might happen but are for now out of my control.
Other insights emerge (not through over thinking or ruminating) eg finding myself alive on this spinning planet is a deep mystery that is above my pay grade to properly understand and ‘figure out’.
What I can control is to engage daily with what life presents, nurture my family and friends, try to do stuff that is fulfilling and that at least doesn’t harm others.
I also realise that my unhelpful thoughts relating to hell probably connect back to my childhood and that there are choices available to us about addressing and integrating trauma, but this is a long and arduous journey, as life is more generally at times
Hello. I'm sorry you're having trouble right now. I know how hard it is to have OCD around sleep - I have OCD thoughts about that too. What helped me though was setting up a good before bed time routine (no electronic devices, meditation, etc.), making my bedroom a nice place to be, and practicing good sleep hygiene. You need to be a bit careful though as to not make these habits compulsions though. It also helped to setup a "worry time". If thoughts entered my head while trying to get to sleep I'd say something like, "Now is not the time to worry about it. I will worry about it in the morning tomorrow". Most times I would just forget to actually worry about it the next day.
I know it's hard, but I had to figure out ways to make going to sleep into an ERP exercise. I'd say, "I know I'm going to have these thoughts. Good, I'll use this as an exercise!" I'd work on letting the thoughts be there and breathing through them. I used the RAIN method (Recognize/Relax, Accept, Investigate, Note). When a thought came into my head I would:
Recognize it as an OCD thought. I'd say something like, "Oh this is an OCD thought about X. I'm going to relax into it and see where it goes." This led to the next step.
Accept this thought and what it brings. I know I'll probably have some discomfort, but I accept this and I'm going to let it run it's course. Not analyze, ruminate, or judge it.
Investigate the thought. This took me a bit because I thought investigating was ruminating. But I realized after a while that it was better to just describe what I was feeling bodily. Something like, "Ah, I'm having some tightness in my chest. Interesting." or "I'm feeling butterflies in my stomach.". One of the things I learned was that you need to savor and explore these feelings like you would a delicious piece of chocolate. The idea is that as you explore them thoroughly and regularly your brain will get bored and eventually move on from them.
Note what just happened. Once the feelings subside a little, note your experience. Something like, "Oh I just had a distressing thought, but I got through it.". I think non-judgemently is best.
Also, if you haven't you should talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. I know things for me started to change when I was just honest with my doctor. He prescribed some medicine and I asked him to refer me to a therapist. It wasn't easy and it took some time, but I'm in a lot better place than I was.
A while ago I put together a post detailing what I had learned from working on my OCD for over a decade. I wrote it to help out others who are just starting out, but maybe you can gleam some good info from it: healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...
Lastly, I know what you're going though. We all do. OCD is awful and can make you feel so alone. You aren't though. There are literally thousands of people who want (and can) help. All you need to do is ask. I really hope you find the peace you deserve my friend. God bless and keep you.
thank you very much kind person! Oh I hope I can get through this. Acceptance is so hard and I went into the wrong corner first and thought I have to accept death. While that would be good, trying this with OCD has only led to more rumination as one can imagine. Now I learned the acceptance part is about feelign afraid, tense, waking up at night etc,
Thank you for your message. Well, my condition has been much better after the neurosurgery. I can say many obsessions have almost disappeared: handwashing is not a problem any more compared with the time earlier before surgery when my hands were all the time full of bleeding wounds. And I can leave my apartment and go out much quicker without those many checking rituals. And before surgery it took 4 hours to take a shower and now about 15 minutes. I could continue this list endlessly. But I hope you get here some perception of the issue.
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