I know that I'm doing a compulsion right now. There isn't any excuse for it. I just feel very sad and alone. Today hasn't been very good. I've been trying very hard in school (I go to highschool) but my grades aren't what I want them to be, and I'm not making the progress I want to be making in guitar.
I know so far this has nothing to do with OCD yet but I'm getting to that. Me failing at the 2 things I care about most made me really sad. This triggered me to think about something I did in the past. Before I say what I did, I'll give some context. There was a week I went through that was definitely the worst I had ever felt in my life. I was in a deep depression which I think was PMDD. It was focused on being afraid I had an urge to do something towards my family members I don't want the urge to do. But out of a very immense amount of guilt and shame, I compulsively started googling things pertaining to having those urges and if it was okay if you weren't to act on them. Now that I look back on it, I feel I'm gross and creepy. I'm afraid this will ruin my relationship with my family. That is my worst fear. They're all I have and I love them very much. During that hell week I went through, I confessed to my mom and my sister that I thought I was having those urges, after the week I realized that it was all in my head probably, I say probably because OCD always makes me believe I can't be 100% sure. I instantly regretted telling them because then I had another concern that by telling them I made them uncomfortable. I think they knew it was in my head and not real. I still scares me though.
Thank you if you actually read all of that... I'm having a bit of a breakdown at the moment.
Could this be OCD?
Irrational thought
OCD getting worse. Idk what to do anymore (trigger warning)
CRAVING FOR HELP🙏🏻
Lessons learned from OCD
