Existential Pure o

[indigoalice]

Hi, I'm new here so please be nice!

I am in a state of constant disorientation and confusion. I cannot stop having obsessive thoughts about the nature of time and memory.

I just can't get over the fact that this moment is all we really have and after each second it just becomes an intangible memory in our heads - we can never be sure if anything actually happened. I've been having obsessive existential thoughts for a while, but with this one it’s super hard. I’ll try and make myself feel better by looking back at other things I’ve gotten over in the past, but then question if any of it has even happened at all. Call me crazy but this whole experience has made me think that my existence is some kind of experiment, I've just been created and put on this world that doesn't make any sense at all and whatever has put me here wants to see how long I can take it until I go insane. Seriously, though - it is really hard because whenever I actually enjoy doing something, I'll come back home and immediately start questioning if it happened at all - and the fact I will never get that moment back. It's like I exist with all of these happy memories but they're almost there as a form of torture - I can never fully appreciate them as I will never be sure they are real. For example, I'll be having a conversation with someone and they'll ask how my day was, and as I'm recalling what I've done my mind is constantly doubting everything I am saying. And I’ll over hear someone having a conversation about something that’s happened in the past and then think about how they know that event they’re talking about actually happened. So much of our day to day experience is built up from recalling memories - the physical world would make no sense without them. I'll wake up in the morning and hear a car outside - but the only reason I know that is from memory... I know it seems like common sense but there's something about it that scares me? Has anyone else dealt with and got over stuff like this? It’s absoloute torture.

I used to love my life so much and love talking with my family, boyfriend and friends about memories we share - but now everything just seems ruined. I can't just enjoy the moment without thinking about how it's going to be over soon. The concept of time freaks me out so much. We think about the past so much but it doesn't even exist - we can never see it again. I feel so sad and broken and I just want to be able to embrace my life and not doubt everything constantly. I want to be able to wake up tomorrow morning and just think "Yesterday happened, lets get on with today" instead of analysing if me and all of my memories have just popped into existence. I feel like I'm far too self aware of my thoughts - I'm worried that one day my brain is just going to collapse in on itself - brains aren't supposed to turn inwards and start interrogating themselves, right?

Any help would be appreciated,

Alice x

[LuvSun]

Welcome! I cannot relate to your problem of feeling that the past may not have happened but the only thing I could suggest is to look at photographs and then you have proof that this event occurred. Sorry not much advice but all I could think of . I’m sure others with your same thoughts will respond soon.

[indigoalice in reply to LuvSun]

Thank you for your response. It does make me feel better to look at photos but at the same time it makes me feel uneasy, I can't really explain it. Looking at myself in the the mirror can make me feel weird too. I've suffered from depersonalisation before this so I think this is part of that.

[Selesnya]

I know that there are some people here that can relate to your struggles, but I'm not sure if they are checking in any more. It might take a while for the people with existential OCD to see this, but there are others out there that struggle with the same content.

My initial reaction to how to treat this is to agree with your OCD -- maybe the past isn't real and maybe it never happened. You can't really, truly know 100%. What does it change? Does it really influence how you act in the future? The whole battle against OCD is to embrace the uncertainty that it presents to us. For me it's not knowing if I will kill my wife or daughter, or if I'm going to sabotage my marriage, or if I will ever get better from OCD, etc. We can't really know what will happen (or has happened), and that's OK. We can still do what is important to us even with the uncertainty.

I would check out this episode of The OCD Stories:

theocdstories.com/podcast/j...

There is a ton of good content on Stuart's podcast and there are many more episodes worth checking out.

[indigoalice in reply to Selesnya]

Thank you for your response. You are right - the subject matter isn't the main issue, it is the uncertainty that comes with it. I have listened to this episode before when dealing with other existential themes and it has been very beneficial so thanks for bringing it to my attention again

[cambridgeborn in reply to Selesnya]

That's an excellent resource for indigoalice; I learned a lot just by listening to it. My OCD theme is predominantly HOCD, but I am humbled to realize how many ways this disease hurts and confuses so many good people. If I had a magic wand I'd eliminate all OCD because it causes so much human misery. Thank goodness we have a place here to share resources and experiences. I don't feel so alone anymore.

[Selesnya in reply to cambridgeborn]

If there is anything to make you feel not alone, it is listening to the interviews with OCD sufferers. I particularly like the interview with Shannon Shy:

theocdstories.com/podcast/s...

My first time I really identified with OCD at all was listening to the Pulling the Trigger episode on the recommendation of a therapist:

theocdstories.com/podcast/a...

[Gretajetta]

Keep a journal and write things down dates days and time. Seek help with therapy. Medication maybe good too I myself have felt a sense that things were not real or that I was losing my mind or losing control. I would feel faint and almost black our then I would give myself panic attacks. The more I thought about it the more anxiety I would have. Medication helps me. Good luck. And keep writing here

[indigoalice]

Hello everyone I would just like to post a quick update here so if anyone reading is suffering with any similar thoughts they know that things can get better as I know how comforting it can be to hear.

It has been a few months and I am feeling a lot better about this particular obsession.

It still bothers me sometimes but I am more able to push through and not get caught up in rumination. If I get upset, I am mostly able to let it all out and then get up and carry on with my day with the thoughts in the back of my head. My worries manifest in more of an uneasy depersonalised feeling which is really uncomfortable at times. However I am finding myself being able to deal with things better and not getting caught up in the cycle of worrying as much which is a big improvement from before. I know I still have a long way to go but I think I am coming to accept that this is a struggle that I can get through with time and hopefully I will be able to post again in the future and be even better than I am now. I have been uncertain with my progress but looking back on this post makes me realise that I have made some progress from where I was a few months ago.

I hope all the kind and wonderful people on this forum are doing okay and thank you so much to all who have responded to my post, it really helps to know I am not alone <3