Ive had OCD in my life since around the age of ten, but I did something I felt was pretty disgusting in my teens ,this was over fifty years ago, but it has haunted me ever since., although I never ever harmed anyone just hurt my inner self.
Ocd really kicked in big time after I had my first child over forty years ago,, but thought I had learnt how to deal with this with the help of medication, however one thing still bothers me. I literally torture myself as when I have a horrible intrusive thought I turn it into an even worse one by then asking myself in the same manner every time , would you ever want to do that , whatever it is …. knowing full well that of course I wouldn’t and would never want to but feel I must and have to ask myself these horrible disgusting things to feel disgusted and horrified enough before I can move on until the next time it happens and it does, They are often centred around harm too and it is completely against everything I am as a person
If someone can give me some sound advice as to why I torture myself like this and how I can stop I will be very grateful as I have never read about anyone that is like this
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Mangomadam
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You're likely torturing yourself because the OCD attacks the things that are most important to you, your core values.... You naturally want to defend those things and feel like a monster because of the thoughts in your mind that are at war with what's true, what's in your heart. I'm so sorry you're struggling. OCD is a liar. You're not a bad person. You just have bad thoughts that you have no intention of acting on. You are not defined by those thoughts. That's not who nor what you are.
Thank you so much ,, you are right in what you say as none of the thoughts I have ever had , and there has been hundreds over the years ,,, has ever made me feel I want to do any of the horrible things that pop into my head , I just get so anxious and distressed by them they seem to take over my whole being,, I can cry for hours when I have them , they just keep coming,.
"they just keep coming" I know what you mean. It seems like you're just recovering from one intrusive thought and the next hits, it's awful. I remember going to the ocean with my dad as a kid and he taught me to swim under the waves as they came. The waves don't hit you and pull you under as long as you swim just below them, then you surface in between each passing wave. I hope that makes sense, it's more of a visual thing for me so I'm finding the idea difficult to articulate.
Yes, that's what makes OCD so hard to deal with- "recovering from one intrusive thought..." and then another one comes right after the one you just had. Sometimes it's one thought of one theme or subject matter, then another thought from a different theme.
For me, it could be Harm OCD turning into more intrusive thoughts about something else. Then a compulsion to get rid of each type/thought and on and on, like going in a circle and never getting any relief. Maybe for a few seconds, then onto the next episode of thoughts/compulsions.
The thoughts/compulsions are not always separated for me. Even with having 1 thought/theme right after another, a lot of times my thoughts and compulsions about 1 theme or other intrusive thoughts, are mixed with another 1-2 different types of thoughts at the same time. I have to take care of 1 type of compulsion while I'm still working on the 1st or second.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. Sometimes my thoughts are jumbled.
I get it, explaining this stuff is hard. I'm trying to talk to my therapist about it more but if I don't write the thoughts down that second I forget how they happened (what triggered them and what compulsion followed the thought…though my compulsions are pretty much mental rituals to control/fix/undo the bad thought) by the time our session rolls around but writing them down feels like reinforcing them so I'm afraid to do it. The intrusive thoughts seem worse when I'm nervous, she said that this is normal but thinks it's also my other diagnosis playing into it (which I won't name here because I know it could trigger some people who might think they have it) buuut yeah. It feels like an endless cycle. I know how the thoughts just feed on each other and how they're kind of connected, it's awful.
I can relate to EVERYTHING you said. I, too, have other mental issues beside OCD.
I need to write things down too, but my thoughts are so jumbled, I can't get it straight. And they go so fast, it's hard to even try to focus on 1 thought at a time.
Thank you for your MSG. I had felt like I was the only one who had to do the methods that you also do. (Writing because of forgetting, etc.). Thank you so much!
I was thinking the same exact thing when this notice popped up that you’d written this in my email. I’ve had OCD my whole life too and nothing has helped. Meditation for OCD does help off and on, as well as emotional freedom technique. Some say ERP helps but that can be hard to access. It could have to do with your hormones as my issues started for me after puberty. I also know liver detoxification is an issue, as things like milk thistle can help for OCD and liver stuff.
Thank you for responding , I had been thinking about Meditation for OCD and will look into the emotional freedom technique you mentioned, I also have a sibling with OCD , and my mother suffered with anxiety , I often wonder if there is a genetic link too. There are no therapists that does ERP where I live but have bought several books I am still trying t work through.
Have you contacted NOCD? Someone I know has OCD and has had a great experience with a therapist that is specifically trained in treating OCD on there. It's virtual so your location doesn't matter. I suggest it!
Some also say ketamine infusions help. I did three rounds which isn’t enough they say but it didn’t do much and made the depression worse. Perhaps i needed to try a better clinic. Also, tehre is brain surgery like capsulotomy? There’s a hospital in Rhode Island that does it. I’ve looked into that.
Thank you , I have heard of the ketamine infusions from OCD forums, but didn't know anyone who had tried it ,, also heard of the brain surgery, If I thought that I could get some relief from the horrible bully in my head I would try anything if there was someone near where I live who could do the surgery.
Summer6666, what you describe is very typical of OCD. I think most people who suffer from OCD would agree that they have very similar experiences with OCD. I do. You have the thought and then ruminate about why you had it, are you really that person and so on. As difficult as it is you need to start ignoring the thought. Just let it be and move on knowing it’s the OCD and not who you truly are as a person. OCD wants you to ruminate about the thoughts. Don’t allow it. Separate who you are from the thought and don’t give it any power
Hi. You can see here my answers to the pseudonym "lml885". There I mention this hospital in Rhode Island in New York, and if you also live in the USA you can possibly ask for the capsulotomy brain surgery there.
Dear "lml885". I've been waiting for mentioning this "brain surgery", because I HAVE UNDERGONE CAPSULOTOMY", the method you say in your message. I live in Europe but I know they do capsulotomy in Rhode Island at Butler Hospital. I have read about their surgery and understood it really HELPS. In my OCD, which was so severe that no medication nor ERP helped, I got A GREAT HELP from this capsulotomy. --- It was good to see here somebody who mentioned this method. So, thank you "Iml885". Could I suggest that we could talk about this here on-line more?
sure yes. I actually looked into Butler but the application process is so lengthy and daunting. I have to go all the way back to when I started treatment at 13 years old or so which is almost 25 years ago. I have to contact every medical professional and then still may not be approved. I honestly haven’t tried ERP too much but I’m tired of doing so many therapies and I did already try it to an extent. I also don’t think that it could work for the mental compulsions. My therapist currently hasn’t tried much to help me with it but I also have so many more issues (extensive trauma, bipolar, etc) that it’s hard to figure out what to focus on.
Where did you have the surgery? I was actually going to move to Europe and live, but due to my issues I left as I can’t seem to handle change. Perhaps I wrote too much but if you can tell me more about this it would be great. I’m glad to hear it helped you!
Very important that you already know the hospital in Rhode Island, which I think is the best in the world regarding CAPSULOTOMY for severe OCD.
I underwent my operation a long time ago - and at that time in Sweden (the neighboring country of Finland), because it was not possible here. And in general, Sweden has been/and still is a country in the world where they have researched functional neurosurgery perhaps more than many other countries. I will tell later in more details how my life TOTALLY changed after the operation.
Yes, I know the process is lengthy and slow. But on the other hand, you can get a MUCH BETTER LIFE QUALITY after that operation. For example, I could get my university degree finished (writing my Master's Thesis) after the surgery, and surely I could not have imagined this BEFORE the surgery. And many of my compulsions just disappeared: hand washing, excessive checking rituals etc. What do you think?
My OCD is centred around harm as well, in fact diabolical harm but I want you to KNOW that you are not your OCD, it is a FALSE ALARM, FALSE FEAR and FALSE GUILT making itself real. I started feeling this strange thing since 12yrs ago but never knew what it was until 2 yrs ago when doing research on the internet. I hope you believe in God that He can heal you, reach for medical treatment to start with, search for some Bible verses that are helpful like Phil 4:6 says we should be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made to God. Vs 8 says we should meditate on things that are true, noble,just,pure, lovely,good report,virtue and praiseworthy.
2 corin 10:5 says" casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ"
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