Existential Distress

[JoeS00]

I haven't been active here for a while. I just like to share an experience I had for over a year where I struggled too much to find meaning to live. I thought OCD was the worst I could get. I was wrong. The existential distress; feeling all life is meaningless and what's the point of just making money to live then die, it really caused me suicidal thought for a long time. Every while and then I'd fall into this loop of trying to make sense of life then I fail to do so and would feel death is the best way. This experience led to depressive symptoms like lack of enjoyment and pleasure and mostly suicidal contemplation. But,

It's been good for a while. I realized that the best way to to find peace was balancing my life between relationships, hobbies, work and exercise, taking breaks when I need them to watch a good film, walking in the sun eating ice cream, relaxing your brain. I just hope it stays good. Relationships and interaction are really good for the brain. Also, changing routines like for example listening to a new type of music or reading something you don't usually read, they all help.

Anyone who experienced something similar, you can share your thoughts in the comments if you want to.

Blessings to all

[LuvSun]

I am so glad your life has meaning now. 💪

[WilliamG]

Hi, I’ve definitely had existential distress. My intrusive thoughts made it all the more terrifying. I could find pleasure in nothing, including past memories. My thoughts repeatedly attacked everything that I loved or found valuable in my life. It was relentless. Eventually, this changed a bit when I started being more active, more mindful, and more open to new experiences. You provided a great list of things that you’re now doing, and they all sound wonderful. Keep up the good work!

[dutchgirl71]

I’m glad you are finding purpose and joy in life. I keep busy with work and caring for y elderly parents. But when I have idle time, I slide into depression. I have no friends and no fun. I need to find happiness in myself.

[JoeS00 in reply to dutchgirl71]

When you have nothing to do you are very prone to depression. Try to find a new activity that you might enjoy. You probably can but you have to search. It can be a sport or community service or anything. You can talk to me about it I don't mind.

[Class88]

I’m glad that you have found what works fir you. I am currently struggling with something similar. I’m trying my best. I find that I was at my best when I was a geographical single parent of 2, full time grad school, baseball parent assistant for two teams, troop leader, 3 days a week volunteer in school for kids. It kept my mind busy. Tired. I didn’t have time to rest. I still had intrusive thoughts but surviving one day at a time was my goal. I woke up every morning and repeated this to myself. It’s only going to be like this today. Now I live alone and the kids are grown and on their own. My mind has gotten so bad the thought are on a vicious cycle, I find that I feel safe knowing that I have a noose and a note hidden. It’s my safe place. No one I love seems to understand. I’m so tired of people telling me to get over it or let it go, as if I could. If I could I would. I feel comfortable in routine. I know that it is difficult for others around me. I try to not expose all of me to others. I self medicate with alcohol. If I know I’m going to be somewhere that I might not be comfortable or need to be social I take two shots of almost anything on an empty stomach the attend with wine and grazing on food. Just enough to keep my thoughts at bay. But it’s exhausting. I come home and replay the entire experience in my mind. What they said.. what they meant.. what did they mean? Did I use good manners? Was I rude? I think I interrupted someone’s conversation. When or how can I make it stop? I’m tired. No one understands. I feel so lonely I can’t be me. I mean, I’m not sure I would be my friend if I weren’t me. That’s funny. I’m sorry that I just rambled.

[JoeS00 in reply to Class88]

Is it existential distress causing you all this pain or you mean OCD?

[Class88 in reply to JoeS00]

I believe the bottom line is the OCD. Everything else is a byproduct, an effect. A result of trying to hide or being told just stop.

[TomFed in reply to Class88]

Hi Class88 . If your kids are gone, and you are too busy with yourself and your riot running mind, maybe it could be a good idea to engage in some social activity or charity where you could help others. I find for myself some kind of service work is one of the best remedies for my ego-centric mind. "Medicating" yourself with alcohol is understandable but really not the best idea. I've used booze to shut off my brain for 25 years or so and in the end, I had to deal with two barrels pointing at me - alcoholism and OCD. Doesn't make things easier, but maybe it had to be that way for me to start looking for real answers and solutions to my condition. Still sometimes I feel moments of sadness that I have wasted all those years without looking for some real help and real solutions. If you want to communicate one on one sometime, feel free to send me a message in pm. It's the most important goal to find a way to be happy and get better!

[Class88 in reply to TomFed]

thank you TomFed for the offer. I know that you are right. I was at my best when I had little to no time to think.

This is all new to me. I was only recently diagnosed following an emergency room visit. I guess I just assumed that everyone had the same thoughts and brain activity. I know that sounds silly now but I really thought that everyone else just had such better mental skills.

I am just now accepting that I have this. I would really like to learn more about my behavior and how to control it. The hiding is not working anymore. It is closing me off from the world. And your right, self meditating is not a good idea either. It was just easier as people always told me that they liked me so much more when I’m drinking.

I’m assuming that you stopped one day at a time. How do you go out to do things and not make people mad because you can’t be “normal “?

[Springvale23]

On browsing and came across your post. Just wondered if you were still in a good place.

I swing between life not worth living and extreme joy. Sadly at the minute it’s life not worth living. Not thinking of ending it all, but feel hopeless. I can’t understand why tablets have never worked. I mean over 40 years on and off meds. Just reaching out.

[JoeS00]

Hey there! I am sorry for the late reply I haven't been active for a while. It turned out this existential distress was caused by bipolar disorder. I got diagnosed not a long time ago and I'm on meds now. There were days depression got severe and I became physically ill but I am getting better. The problem with the depressive phase is that it feels so real, all that darkness in your head and you're convinced suicide is the answer. It's very hard recognizing it's just depression and it's so tormenting but I have hope again in my life. I am sorry to hear about your struggles, and for your tablets did they work for some time and now no? Tell me about it