afraid i've done something terrible

I'm afraid I did something really horrible...

about 2 months ago, I was standing over my disabled brother who was laying in a bed, and I was trying to make him laugh. As I was doing this, I was having these intrusive thoughts that were telling me that the only reason I don't sexually assault anyone is because I don't have an urge to do so. In that moment, I had a thought about trying to have a sexual urge towards my brother, as a way of proving I wouldn't sexually assault someone even if I did have an urge towards them. I don't think I actually tried to, but I can't fully remember. I'm afraid I really did try to have a sexual urge towards my disabled brother... this is really eating me up inside. I really don't think that I did it, but I'm still afraid I did.

[Hidden]

If I actually did this, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

[Moon_B]

Hi Samantha879,

Don’t beat yourself up, even if you did think these things, they are nothing concrete they are thoughts. I know OCD is painful because we have this urge to test ourselves to verify if we are the hidden monster we think we are or to verify if our thoughts are true and mean something about us. But they don’t mean anything I assure you.

Testing your thoughts won’t help you because you can find way to confirm what you don’t want to be true. For instance if you think you had sexual urges towards your brother then you would feel awful and testing the thoughts could make you feel more anxious about it.

Remember thoughts are nothing. Yes they are disturbing and unwanted and it makes you doubt yourself, I know I have been there but work on yourself and dare to trust yourself. You are not stranger than most people and you are not a bad person, only your OCD makes you think you are.

Even if you had the worst thoughts of the world like murdering, raping and abusing innocent people. Theses are not real, they are thoughts and they do not have to be judged or scrutinised or analysed. Let them pass by and observe the curiosity of it but do not test them. I know it is hard it was hard for me to accept OCD has being nothing more than frightening intrusive thoughts but with time you will see it really is. It doesn’t represent you and it is not your identity.

Give yourself love, patience and compassion because you need it. We tend to criticise ourselves the most.

[philoso]

As per me you should accept that u had sexual urge towards ur brother. I too had suffered from this. If you don't accept ur OCD will try every way to prove that u had a urge towards ur brother. Let's stop the anxiety. Our mind can be peaceful if we accept everything without any doubt. Doubt creats anxiety. BT at the same time u have to accept without any doubt that sexual urge towards siblings isn't bad. And see mind will get stable automatically. When OCD will think that u are not going to be harmed any more by it's weapon it will try to discover another weapon.