I feel dread today. Afraid to go outside, afraid to run into a person/s in my tiny town who has on a few occasions (and recently) given me the stink eye while passing her in my car on the narrow streets here.
Haven't actually talked to this person in 5 years because I've avoided her. She berated me while I was out with a friend at a local tavern. I decided then not to speak to her again, she's one of the local prosecutors in the county I live; This person is very powerful in the community so I fear I could be a target of this person, who could try to get me in trouble, legally and socially.
Edited to add: I saw her at a bakery in town around thanksgiving 2023 while I was sitting with a friend; she walked by me and smirked, like she was trying to get a reaction from me. The person I was sitting with looked at her and didn't think anything of it, or didn't express anything about it being odd. Around Christmas I saw her on the street while I was driving and our eyes met at the same time, she didn't look pleased that she saw me, very unpleasant look on her face. All this happened in a nanosecond but it bothered me.
But again I might be confusing her with a neighbor on my street that I've posted about recently. healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p.... The are about the same height, same hair length and color. I began ruminating about these encounters and seeking reassurance from my wife when these things happened.
I've also had some unpleasant encounters with two different men in town, and I've ruminated often about them too. They were not fans of my reporting when I worked for a local paper.
I'm weak in that I'm afraid of conflict. The woman had berated me over an opinion I expressed to someone else about mending a few things related to title 9 college sports, where athletic directors were being forced to cut men's programs. She called me a sexist and was very rude.
My wife of 40 years knows me all too well and says I should face these fears and go where I want. But I'm afraid of being accused of something or framed by this prosecutor, so I feel somewhat protected if I eliminate proximity to her and don't exchange words. Is this an accurate gut feeling or is it the OCD magnifying everything? I also just bought a dash cam to record my movements around town in case someone accuses me of something. This is where my wife put her foot down and asked me to go back to therapy.
I know in life that not everyone is going to like you. I was a local reporter in this town for a decade and a lot people didn't like my reporting; most of them have been civil to me but a neighbor messaged me on FB and told me what a sh*t I was for writing about a public official he's close to personally.
My OCD mostly centers around intrusive thoughts of being accused of something horrible or saying something that might make someone angry; I ruminate and replay the tape of every word that was said in an encounter to make sure no one was offended, then I seek reassurance ad nauseam from my wife.
My wife smartly gives my evidence that I'm not a bad person and that my 63 years earth is the living proof. She reminds me of all the friends I/we have in our lives who support our marriage. Intellectually I get it, but I have trouble turning off the numerous instant replays
Recently a friend called me and invited us down to the tavern where I was berated by this woman, and I came clean with my friend about why I didn't want to go .She said I was being silly, but she added we could all go somewhere else instead...and we did. The friend is my mixed doubles partner in pickleball and she's always inviting us to things. Most of the time I go if it's not to close to where I could encounter these people and risk confrontation.
My OCD really started in my early 40s. Something changed and my wife says I've gone from being a confident social person to becoming an insecure people pleasure who heaps praise on people all the time. She wants me get my b*lls back, she says.
I'm starting back in therapy next week, it took me awhile to find a good fit since my former therapist retired a few years ago. She had been with me for over a decade and lead my out of the wilderness of OCD to where I could cope; she even moved to reducing the frequency of my visits, she wanted me to fly solo a little more and practice the coping skills she taught me. I would only return to her when something was stuck in my head.
But now I'm fearing two people who I believe don't like me for reasons yet to be known to me.
The new therapist comes highly recommended. She has over 40 years experience with OCD patients.
