i have been with my partner now for a very small amount of time of 5 months, i just cant seem to fight of the mental images in my mind of him sleeping with other women, and i just cant trust him to go anywhere or even when he is on the computer or when he picks up his phone. i really do think about this all day long and i spend many hours through- out everyday in tears. i just wish it would just stop!!
im so jealous of him looking at other women as it just makes me feel like im not good enough, then i think about killing myself! i feel so much anger towards the whole world and i feel like everyone very much dislikes me because im such a pain to be around when im like this!! when im single i put ,my self in so much danger and nobody can pin me down and i have compulsively slept with men with out any sexual pleasure!
i feel so depressed and often think about all sorts of ways to commit suicide and often plan out my funeral, also think often of an image of my self laying peacefully asleep, and i dont understand why but this makes me feel so safe, it gives me a feeling of happiness and excitement ( i have been thinking like this since i was 5 or 6 years old )!!
i have previously taken several of overdoses, which have mostly been on antidepressants. i am a self harmer, "i am very ashamed to say". i have cut my arms and attempted my throat a few times ( one of these times being only 2 weeks ago of which i also beat my self up, over resulting in two black eyes, one of which was very raised and swollen, a thick lip and brusing to the whole of my forehead proceeding down one side of my face, i really didnt reconise myself in the morning!
i have stopped cutting my arms in the last couple of months, as i made a promise to my partner to provent him from leaving me ( this is so hard for me as i dont know how else to release all the pain inside, "sometimes i just cant cry" and id been doing this for 11 years on and off ) !!
i have always felt like this everytime i get into a relationship, which clearly signifies that i should not be in one, but men are like drugs to me because all i really want in life is a husband and children to nuture and thats all i dreamt of as a child. all these things leave me with physical symptoms consisting of hot and cold sweats including sweaty palms, my brain constantly feels its overfilling my head, i feel sick and tired i shake alot and im so self conscious when im out . i rarely go anywhere alone as its just to nerve wracking for me!! im so frightned of whats going to happen in the future as i just cant take no more hurt!!! i would honestly be ever so grateful if someone could and tell me what on earth is wrong with me??