what is wrong with me??

[ilikekitties]

i have been struggling for the past 5 years of my life. i feel like im not human. like there is something wrong with my brain. i cant fuction like the people around me. i constantly find myself dazed and wandering in my own head. it’s so hard for me to pay attention to people talking to me because my mind starts thinking about things i should be worrying about. and i worry about alot of stupid stuff. like how i’m supposed to respond to conversation, or if my posture looks awkward to other people, or if other people are thinking that i am full of myself. i worry alot about what other people think of me. and it makes it really hard to connect with other people because i am constantly overthinking my reactions and how other people think of what i said. the thought of people thinking of me negatively truly hurts my ego and it consumes my mind completely. its so hard for me to hold a genuine conversation because i feel like im always trying to act a part. like im trying to act as someone who other people would want to be around. i have friends but i still feel uncomfortable during confrontation. i also feel like i cant handle accomplishing minors responsibilities and it feels like everything i have to do is just piling and piling on and it really stresses me out to the point that i wish i would get into an accident so i could avoid these responsibilities altogether. i have no motivation to do anything in life. i feel like a piece of garbage. i have no true purpose. and i tried to find something that would spark my interest but it usually ends up with me losing interest anyway. i feel like im just floating through life and never actually living it. i sometimes think about killing myself but i know i could never hurt my mom like that. i hurt myself during times that i feel completely miserable with myself, but not to the extent of actual self harm. like i would scratch at a specific part of my leg or arm so that i could feel something other than self hatred and doubt. i haven’t scratched myself deep enough to bleed through. i keep trying to find an answer to what i am, but i am a psychology major and i feel like none of what im feeling is severe enough to diagnose as a mental disorder. but i do strongly feel that something is wrong with me. please let me know if there are other people who have felt the same, or what i could possibly do to fix myself?? any response would be deeply appreciated. i just feel so alone right now

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello and welcome to this very supportive community. I have private messaged you too so I hope that will enable you to move forward even if it is in small steps.

We all understand how you are feeling and I am sure some of the community members will respond to you. You are not alone and it was reassuring that you would never do anything to yourself that would cause your Mum so much hurt and anxiety.

You mention that you haven't spoken with anyone about how you are feeling, please do so as there is help when we share how we are feeling with the professionals. you mention that you are a Psychology Major are you still studying at present, and are you struggling with the course? That could have an effect on how you are feeling. Could you tell your Tutor Mentor?

I have included some websites and helplines for you to speak to. I appreciate you may know about these yourself so please accept my apology if you do, however I do urge you to speak with someone soon. Good luck and please keep in touch.

Ok other members do you have any thing else to add and encourage this new member please?

anxietyuk.org.uk - info, support and understanding. 0844 775 774 -Mon- Friday office hours.

MIND UK charity mind.org.uk/information-sup...... Helpline - 0300 123 3393. Mon - Friday 9am - 6pm. [e-mail] or text 86463.

Samaritans - 116 123 - (24 hours).

SANEline. Tel: [phone] (4.30pm - 10.30pm daily - sane.org.uk

NHS 111 - (none emergencies).

MAS Nurse & Moderator.

[sweetiepye in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Always MAS Nurse.

[ilikekitties in reply to MAS_Nurse]

thank you so much for your response. academic wise i am pretty stable in fact i make sure to get somewhat high grades because i feel like that is the only thing i can control. but i am actually an officer (3rd year rep) in our college’s student council and i do believe that alot of my stress and anxiety also stems from holding that responsibility. thank you again for responding! it means alot

[Hidden in reply to ilikekitties]

Pack the role up ?

[eternalsunsh1ne]

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I can relate to all of that and it sucks so much but you're not alone, hang in there x

[ilikekitties in reply to eternalsunsh1ne]

it really does make me feel better that i am not alone with these feelings. your response means alot to me!!! thank you x

[sweetiepye]

Hello ilikekitties, I also like kitties so we have something in common. I also have been through some of what you are experiencing. To me it's like watching yourself go through the motions always monitoring yourself and never really being able to experience life in an easy and enjoyable way. I will tell you that other people are not paying as close attention to you as you might think. Mostly they are thinking or wondering how they seem to you. It's kind of funny when you think about it. When you are having conversations try to focus on the other person and really listen to what they are saying. I can't give you medical advice, but I can tell you that you have sent a nicely written and well thought out post. Something you probably couldn't do if there was anything wrong. Some of your thinking seems anxiety driven , would you agree ? Remember going through life is not a test, there are many ways to approach it. We all make mistakes and learn from them. You don't want to punish yourself. I got help through therapy , I still don't get everything right and not everyone appreciates me , but I don't worry about it any more. Peace, Pam

[ilikekitties in reply to sweetiepye]

yes i do feel like i have the tendency to be really anxious most of the time and its hard to control. therapy would be an excellent solution if it wasnt so expensive where i live i hope i can be like you someday. thank you so much for responding!!!!

[sweetiepye in reply to ilikekitties]

You can be like me someday in that you can feel stronger in yourself. I was where you are now and very slowly and with help I became more of what I want to be. I still have to work on various behaviors. Have you explored online therapy . or maybe a counselor at a church ? You wouldn't necessarily have to be a member. I encourage you to keep searching for answers. Your Doctor may have the information you need and sometimes local hospitals offer short term therapy sessions . Think about it for a short time . I know it can seem over whelming , but one step at a time will get you there. Pam