Hi
I've had some really positive things happen recently! Although I've felt very deeply depressed for more than 20 years, I am in the very lucky position where money isn't a problem and I always feel guilty for not being happy when I read how much more difficult other people's lives are when they are having to struggle financially as well as with other problems with emotions, relationships and unemployment. I do feel lucky and wish I could pass some of that luck onto some of you too. However trying to put guilt aside, I just want to share my current feelings of pleasure as life is not just about the awful times.
I've arranged to visit my daughter in Mexico City in February and am really excited about that as I miss her, so on Monday I'm starting a crash Spanish course which will be exciting as it will mean I'll be travelling into Manchester every day from now until Christmas which will keep me productively occupied instead of just feeling I'm passing time.
As a result of feeling supported by those of you on the website and by my therapist I've also applied for a place on a training course in a slightly different field to my previous work and I've been told I will be offered an unconditional place which means that hopefully from September next year I will be out and about doing something positive to move myself back out into the workplace. That feels like a massive improvement, just having some possibility of change in sight. I've also made moves to reinstate my membership of professional organisations in readiness for working and have found all sorts of people helpful, at 63 it won't be easy for me to get back into work but at least I've accepted I want to do that and am making more effort.
For those of you who don't know, I'm also a freelance artist and have just made my first sale! It's a largish painting and today we're taking it into the gallery in Liverpool so that it can be packed and sent to the buyer. I hope they like it, like most artists I look and see what's wrong with it, compare it unfavourably to other people's work, etc. The buyer has also requested a larger version of another style of painting I did around the same time so with the money from the sold painting I'm about to order some special paper for the commissioned work. I can't believe it. It feels strange, unreal, to have so much happening after so long just feeling life is passing me by.
I hope what's happening to me gives inspiration to those of you who are feeling stuck, to see that sometimes change is possible and happens suddenly. My therapist asked what I was going to do about the walls I constantly saw in front of me, whether I was going to climb over them, make a hole in them and climb through them, or batter them down, or what. I said that they seemed so impossible to alter that I turn around and walk away and it wasn't until she suggested that was my problem that I realised that if I don't put up a fight then nothing will change because nobody else will be fighting that hard for me. Overnight I changed my attitude and became determined not to give in to whatever life threw at me but to fight it, perhaps I am ready now when the depression is not as bad. So to all of you who struggle with depression like I have, what are you going to do. Jonny and all the rest of you? Fight the walls, batter them down and find something you want to do with your life. It isn't easy, but fighting does at least burn up some of the energy and sometimes it seems it can bring results. Even if things go wrong again I feel that I've learned something over the past few weeks about the power of positive thinking and positive action.
Suexx
Suex
x
My narcissistic mother has abused me yet again and im in a very dark place right now....
I'm just so tired 
This is hard for me to write... 
Not who I think I was
Here it goes again
