At this point, I don't talk to anyone about how I feel anymore because there is always a huge guilt following right after I did it. Feels like I'm burdening people with the nonsense of my life. People are busy, and I'm just one of the very lots of existence in their lives. But things been bottling up a bit so I decided to write here for a bit as a way of letting things out a bit.
It has been a few months since the last time I was here. I thought I was recovering. I've tried exercising. Eating balanced diet. Getting enough water. Drawing and writing stuff. Currently am living with my parents, working just nearby as a sub teacher and even doing extra jobs on weekends for the sake of distraction and 'getting myself busy'. I'd work myself until I feel like breaking to reach that self-satisfaction.
But it still comes back.
I feel like everything has been pretty much contradicting. There are times where I'd feel okay with nothing to worry, like whoosh my confidence is on top and nothing worries me, but not so long after that I'd get this huge fear that everyone will hate me and leave me (I even bothered my best friend by texting her not to leave me at 2am, leaving me feeling even worse for disturbing her sleep). There are days when I'd feel great facing my students and teach successfully, but then there will be those days when I get nervous and I couldn't talk, I'd end up letting them do self-study the whole period, making me feel more like a crap of a teacher. I can't really explain if this is social anxiety or just normal anxious feeling that every people experience. Sometimes when my boyfriend tells me he loves me I truly feel grateful, but the next time he says it I feel doubts and keep imagining one day this will end for sure and nobody will love me anymore.
There are more instances to this matter but I'll keep it simple.
The fact that I'm feeling very differently about the same thing at different times is bothering me. Sometimes, A would trigger me, but sometimes A would do nothing to my mood. How do I stick to the side of me that's very positive and confident?
I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem, so I'm wishing that everyone would keep holding on even if there's just a little bit of strength that's left inside you. Thanks for reading, it eases me up to believe that at least few would read this to the end.