I keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. How stupid does this sound, I don't even think my depression belongs on this site! Its absurd right? I have cried me a river this week alone.
It is just so hard going it alone with no one around to help. The drugs they gave me at the start of the week caused so much pain, I finally went and got some morphine but at least it helped although even that had a side effect of making me very sick in the night.
If I tell anyone I'm depressed they say I'm bound to be, at least before I knew how to fight it even though it was always a struggle, now each week gets a little worse. I have stopped the blood thinners and other meds as I just can't stand any more needles, or maybe I just want these side effects to finish me off because I don't want to be here anymore.
My lovely daughter popped round yesterday and I told her I wanted to stop after this treatment ends in December which made her cry again, I hate hurting her so much , but I can't keep doing this just to be with her, all my dreams of having grandchildren and having so much fun with them like I did with her have gone and as hard as I try I have lost my daydreams that I loved so much.
I was feeling so well and positive in the summer which seems a lifetime away now all because of side effects to medications I am told I need but are destroying my body and mind.
Every day I am usually here reading and sometimes replying although not so much of late, I miss some of the lovely people who have been quite for a while like Caroline and love when I see replies from Bev and Hannah, Sue Dave and Bob and a few others that are always around giving some kind and uplifting words.
So maybe I just want to say thank you all for being here, just writing these few words makes me feel just a little less alone and maybe I can just get through another day.