I keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. How stupid does this sound, I don't even think my depression belongs on this site! Its absurd right? I have cried me a river this week alone.
It is just so hard going it alone with no one around to help. The drugs they gave me at the start of the week caused so much pain, I finally went and got some morphine but at least it helped although even that had a side effect of making me very sick in the night.
If I tell anyone I'm depressed they say I'm bound to be, at least before I knew how to fight it even though it was always a struggle, now each week gets a little worse. I have stopped the blood thinners and other meds as I just can't stand any more needles, or maybe I just want these side effects to finish me off because I don't want to be here anymore.
My lovely daughter popped round yesterday and I told her I wanted to stop after this treatment ends in December which made her cry again, I hate hurting her so much , but I can't keep doing this just to be with her, all my dreams of having grandchildren and having so much fun with them like I did with her have gone and as hard as I try I have lost my daydreams that I loved so much.
I was feeling so well and positive in the summer which seems a lifetime away now all because of side effects to medications I am told I need but are destroying my body and mind.
Every day I am usually here reading and sometimes replying although not so much of late, I miss some of the lovely people who have been quite for a while like Caroline and love when I see replies from Bev and Hannah, Sue Dave and Bob and a few others that are always around giving some kind and uplifting words.
So maybe I just want to say thank you all for being here, just writing these few words makes me feel just a little less alone and maybe I can just get through another day.
Moni x
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Hi Hannah, I remember all the suffering you went through last year with your back so thank you for understanding and your kindness x.
I think I want to fight to the end but I think everyone who suffers from depression when you really can't do anything but stare into space for hours, wonders how to keep trying.
I dont know what health problems you have but i need a double lung transplant so have my own experience of the feelings of ive had enough of been messed around with and every morning get up thinking i cant do this another day its too hard but i do get through another day and i hang on to the good thoughts and get rid of the bad ones x x
Hi Mandy, you must have so much courage to fight through each day , hold on to those good thoughts so they keep helping x.
I have stage 3c cancer, but I should be positive as they say if the treatment works. I could live up to ten more years. But I truly didn't realize how bad the treatment could be, so I am struggling to find the good thoughts I need at the moment.
Thanks for saying hello, lots of hugs to you and may we both pull through this together xx
Are you in an area where there is a support network through the nhs because surly to god with something like that there should be counselors available to help you go through it. I know from my health situation talking to my family and friends is harder because they are emotionally involved and im always very careful what i say around them so they dont get upset but some days i feel like smashing every window in the house x
Yes I think there is some at the hospital along with completely therapies, I have been trying to hold onto my job so haven't managed to get there more, as I have needed so much time off already. I also have a lot of trouble asking for counselling because of past experiences with depression. I have had to keep going back because of all the side effects, which of course just means more and more drugs. The doctors are nice caring people, but also pill pushers, but all this takes it's toll and I just want me back, to be able to do some of the things I love, I don't understand why it's too difficult and all I can do is lay here. I didn't mind being alone before, but now it's very hard.
Ok im sure working is a positive thing but it does limit the time you have free to have some you time...I have had counselling myself and it helped hugely so not sure if you have had it previously and it didnt help or your worried it may bring other issues up but from the sounds of things your a lady who is a believer in self help and that would give you something to work with
I so often think to myself i just want the old me back so know what you mean there.....
Hello Moni,
Sorry for your pain. There is a further site on Healthunlocked called Pain Concern. I sometimes contribute to that site as well so they can possibly help you with the physical pain you must be suffering from. MacMillan Nurses can also give you support especially when people who are suffering from Cancer can get support and understanding.
I suffer from a chronic pain condition and have been treated in a Pain Clinic, they can be a saviour as they can show you how to control your medications and condition. As one thing you need to understand is that there are organizations throughout the NHS that can help you to cope.
My treatments consist of taking cancer medications so I can understand the contraindications that they pile down upon us, all I can suggest is go for it, you will need some unpleasant treatments although you have been told you do have a good chance to recover and last for about a decade. Remember that is not to bad, we all could go outside tomorrow and get run down by a bus and that would be that. You would then outlive those who had been run down.
Go for all the treatments and trails they offer you, life is worth fighting for and you still want that chance to see all those grandchildren that may happen.
Remember we are all here for you please do not be a stranger, people on site will always give encouragement and help you get through this difficult time
Thanks Bob, these are the things I kept telling myself, it was the pain that just got too much. I don't like taking it but the morphine is a life saver as my thoughts are not so black this evening, now I can tell myself it's just temporary and won't last long.
I called the McMillan line today and they have given me a number for 'someone like me' where they put you in touch with someone who's a little further down the line with treatment, so I shall try that.
I think all this will help stop me feeling so isolated and alone and I can try and get back on track xx
Hi, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Pain can have a powerful influence on the mind. It tires us, whether it's physical or emotional.
It sounds like you have a lovely daughter who loves you and doesn't want to lose you. But at the same time it's difficult for her because she doesn't want you to suffer either and I'm sure she'd take your suffering away if she were able to and make you happy again.
I agree with you that the world is a very lonely place. Nothing ever turns out the way we want it.
Hi, I left a comment on someone's thread a couple weeks ago too. I've been reading through posts for a while. Things have been incredibly busy for me and I've had some stressful times over the last several months. Things are a bit messed up in my head just now.
In August the company I was working for went into administration, two weeks before I was to sign my mortgage papers. That gave me a lot of stress and panic. But I managed to find a new job within a week. Starting a new job meant I couldn't take any time off work for moving into the flat so had to do it over time, while settling into a stressful job. I am starting to settle in now, after about 3 months since starting. I was struggling to cope with everything. But having my own place all to myself is better in the long run as I have no one here to stress me and I can have it quiet if I want.
Because I was so stressed, I developed IBS. The GP sent me to the hospital to get my ovaries checked because something was showing up in my blood.They couldn't see any lumps etc in the ultrasound but I've to go back to hospital to see the gynaecologist this Tuesday. I have Monday and Tuesday off work to try and re-cooperate a bit. The health problems obviously gave me a lot more stress and worry on top of everything else. The IBS plays up whenever I get stressed now and I have meds to take.
I am still struggling to get over my ex. I still love him. But I know he will never feel the same way, which is typical of my experience with men really. But I'm fighting thoughts that I wasn't good enough for him, on a daily basis. Sometimes these thoughts get the better of me, especially when I'm tired but I still try to fight them. I still think about him a lot.
Hi WTC thanks for. Reply and sorry you have been through a lot if stress. But you sound string too and have a new place to live which is great. Time will heal your love for ex as it would
Probably never have worked, when two people have mental
Health issues it would be very tough. It's not your fault so just
Let it go.
I'm ok but will message you tomorrow and fill you in
It's been 8 months and I keep coming back to the same thoughts about it all.
I tried asking out 2 people since him. One guy I worked with told me he wasn't looking for anyone and two weeks later started going out with someone else. She was very pretty and had a nice body. Go figure....
And there was another guy. I deliberately sabotaged it though because I knew he would turn me down and wanted to get it over with. Every guy turns me down.
There was this third guy at work who was always smiling at me. On his last day before leaving the job I gave him my number and he did text and asked to meet. We met once and I realised he thought he was perfect. I don't like that kind of confidence but I asked if he wanted to meet again. We agreed on that following weekend but he said something "cropped up which he can't ignore". We'd already planned to meet the weekend before that so that was the second attempt. He said next weekend definitely but I didn't text him back and he never bothered to get in touch about it. Typical male.... Only wants me to meet him when he feels like it and will cancel plans at the last minute... There were obviously more important things to do. What can I say? Men are weak and just can't deal with commitment or.
My grandparents have been together for 52 years. What's going wrong in my generation? Why so much heartbreak? The world just sucks now. The modern world seems to use each other for sex and company and when it gets too hard they bail and move on to the next one. Seems like there isn't much to live for really, especially someone like me who can't stand to have a one night stand and would rather have commitment.
Thank you WTC, it really helps so much just talking today, I don't know why I found it so difficult to ask for someone to talk to me, thank you xxx
Sorry you are having such a stressful time as well, it is so hard picking up the pieces when marriage ends, I can have times when I miss my ex so much and it doesn't always help that we are still friends. There is always going to be so many ups and downs, so hang on in there and be open to all the happiness that comes your way.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way! It doesn't help to know others feel like this too, but may help if I say it will pass, even just a little bit.
Don't give up on your daydreams just tailor them to suit your life now!
I was feeling very low, at bottom actually and could not see a way through never mind out! A great friend of mine told me to write down all the things I used to could do on a sheet of paper and on another the things I can still do. On her next visit she took two sheets of paper and said!
Ok Mrs this is what you could do! She handed it to me and told me to rip it into tiny pieces( take my temper out on it)
After that she handed me the other one and sat beside me saying, now let's see the things you can do, not still do, but do...... When she started to read it out and pointing out to me things I could do within that remit, it didn't seem as bad! I just had to tailor things to my life NOW
Please try it & start with your grandkids by telling them a story, read from a book and as time progresses you can make up your own magical adventure with them in it.
I know how hard it is and how lonely you feel, it can be soul destroying, but don't let it destroy your soul
Just one day at a time, I try not to look any further than that and then it limits the stress!!
Please read your grandkids that story! I don't remember my grandparents always rolling around on the floor with me, but I do remember those wonderful adventures they created in my mind.
Thanks Guccigirl, alas my grandchildren aren't born yet, my daughter and I just always talked about them so much, about how I would help look after them and teach them music so we could play duets like I did with her. I always was a daydreamer, just as I have always managed to both love life and hate it at the same time.
I guess we can't control our futures, but when things start to pick up, your right it's good to have fantasies xxx
Your so right, trying to escape the depression is so different from other illnesses, I have been given better pain meds which I am relieved to say work, but accumulated side affects have left me with no strength to get up, but not actually having the will to move is much worse.
Reasoning and logic tell me I must get up, yet everything is so much effort.
Sometimes summoning just a little effort can help, so we have to keep trying, I know once I press send I shall try and get myself a drink and for that I will be happy to have done. So to everyone else who is feeling very low, don't reach for the moon, just keep pushing to do something small to build the conference that you can.
How's the treatment going? You are truly the most beautiful, strong and sensitive person I have ever met. A friend of mine recently (Jan 2015) was diagnosed with a brain tumor. At the time he was given the worst case scenario which was he only had 6 months to live. However he is still with us, with all the chemotherapy and operations and radiotherapy the tumor has stopped growing. The medication has changed him physically but we all still remember the person he was and will be. I hate knowing that you feel alone. I know that feeling well and the depression amplifies this feeling. I have spoken to the Samaritans when I was at my lowest point and death seemed the only way out, they were good for me at the time. This site has been good for me as I don't feel so alone anymore, it is good to finally find someone who not only understands but cares. I wish I could take all your pain away like you did for me. I hope you find the strength to fight this illness. Sending you all my love and hugs.
Hi Maria, thank you for your lovely words, they have come at a perfect time for me.
I am trying to recover from cycle five of chemo and just want an end to this. Being physically ill does suck, but it's when you can no longer cope mentally that is so difficult.
I think I was crazy to have agreed to this treatment, me and any sort of medication has never been a good option, yet like so many others our trust and hope pushes us to at least try? Until of course it leaves one battling with all the side effects.
I know it's hard for a lot of the people that find themselves having to cope alone when life leaves you feeling so vulnerable and scared, so thank heavens for places like this where so much support helps somehow find that extra bit of strength when needed.
That's Maria, your love and hugs have given me that strength, I am not afraid of dying I am afraid of giving up living. Funny how a few kind words can just turn the mind to just try to move on from the perpetual loop it sometimes gets stuck in.
You are truly a brave and strong person to be fighting cancer, I've seen what the medication can do and the horrible side effects. My friend has had to take steriods for his tumor but the side effects are weight gain and a very swollen face. He felt very sick during his chemo so they gave him tablets to stop him feeling sick and he ended up having a really bad allergic reaction to them. The list is never ending.
Don't lose your faith and trust that there will be an end to this, it is what makes us human. I want so much to keep you company, no one should feel alone like this. Do the hospital not have any support organisations that could help you? I remember when I used to feel alone I wondered why when there are a billion people in the world do I feel alone. Silly world we live in?
I've seen the doctor today, she was lovely and I am so grateful I have got her, she suggested that I take another month off sick but I want so desperately to get better that I have agreed to go back to work next week and deal with my demons. Not sure how it will go but won't know until I try. Faith and trust may just be all I have to get me through and friends of course.
Thinking of you, how's today treating you? I went to work to hand in my sick note to my boss and realised I am no where near able to cope. Funny how we can lie to ourselves but our bodies never lie. Got the shakes really bad when I walked in the door practically ran in and ran out could not stop to talk to anyone (they probably thought I was being rude) but I did apologise, not sure I even care what they thought. Spent the morning crying but I have calmed down now. Still going back next week, need to do this for my own therapy.
Love reading your replies to other people, you are such a good person to help others.
Hi Maria, sorry to say I am not a brave person at all sometimes I think I have always been too much of a people pleaser, so easily got talked into a treatment I don't want.
Don't get me wrong, I did want to live, I had this fairy tale fantasy of seeing my daughter get settled and letting me teach her children things, my poor girls grew up with me suffering from severe bouts of depression, but at least between we did have so much fun, which is why I love talking on this site, as bad as things get life never stays static and we never know what is around the corner,and need to hold onto that hope xxx.
These side effects have been too much, I only had one more session of chemo in this cycle but have decided to say no, I can still have a couple of years I hope and I want to just enjoy them. I dare say I will still be scared of what life might throw in my direction, I am always so afraid my daughter will get depression episodes,she has already experienced a few, but she is so much better than me at coping and has such a wonderful boyfriend who helps support her. It's funny how even when things are good we can be so afraid it won't last and for no reason.
I hope you have lots of strength to return to work next week, speak to your boss to go back slowly at first. I hope you are lucky to have a lot of support from all your work colleagues, I keep struggling to keep working when I know very well I am messing up so badly at times, but I am lucky to have been overwhelmed by the support I have got from my boss and work colleagues, I just wish they could take on some of my work so I didn't worry so much about it not getting done but when the time is right trying to work can give such a lift.
Take care Maria you can beat this, but go slow or sometimes it feels like one step forward and two back, and the odd occasions that may happen always remind yourself your not going to give up and things are going to get better.
Hi Gemma, I am doing very well thank you, there is nothing like a terminal illness to make you suddenly take stock of the good things in life 😊 I think I have a good few years in me yet so try to live as healthily as I can and luckily this does have an enormous effect on the depression as well. I still love the support on here as loneliness can sometimes creep up on me and I find the need to fit in with nice compassionate people, so this is a nice place to be even if I don't speak for a while.
I miss some of the people that were so active a while back through and hope life is treating them well.
How are you keeping? I hope things are going ok xx
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sometimes I think I have always been too much of a people pleaser, so easily got talked into a treatment I don't want.
but when the time is right trying to work can give such a lift.
I just want this to be over!
No song in the world for this,
Lonely, isolated and too nervous to do anything about it
