This feeling is awful.

[lilly56]

I've suffered from severe back pain for years and am on so many pain killers but the last four months have been horrendous, sciatica has made me completely housebound.

All I do is constantly think about my next dose of pain killers, Tramadol, Pregabalin, Baclofen, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol, and limp around the house constantly raiding the fridge which has resulted in weight gain which is not me!

I can't sleep, and then when I do I don't want to get up, I cry at the least little thing and just can't be bothered with things but then keeping the house tidy has become obsessive.

It's been a bad year my little dog died at Christmas, my mum was diagnosed with A-plastic anaemia, I had to travel to London to look after her and my dad when she was discharged from hospital, I was away for two months, then I had to have an operation and had to rest for six weeks and then the sciatica kicked in, now mum's been back in hospital after nearly dying. Not a good year!

My sister advised me to go to the doctor and just talk, I've put it off but then my son said I was acting weird so today I went.

The doctor was so nice and understanding and asked why I hadn't come before I said that I didn't think it was worth coming and I felt a bit of a fraud, I think I cried the whole way through our conversation, she asked many questions and told me I was very depressed, she suggested medication and perhaps talking to a professional.

I have come away with Diazepam and Sertraline which I hope will help and I'm seeing her next week.

Has anyone been through this awful feeling, I smile and act normal around people but inside I want to scream and I don't know why!

[BriarRose]

Lilly - just a brief comment,cos i should be in bed - perpetual insomniac! - but God, not surprised your depressed and want to scream inside - you probably want to scream outside too, but we're brought up not to!!!

Brilliant you've been to the doctor, and she was understanding. Just try to remember, how you're feeling is a NATURAL reaction to horrendous stress/pain - it seems you've been supporting everyone else, now you need help. You've made the first steps to getting it - seeing your doctor, and posting on here. Lots of help/support on here, so please, keep posting, and keep seeing your doctor. Remember, too, that anti-depressants like Sertraline do take a while to "kick in" - so don't give up on them if they don't seem to make a difference immediately, give it a couple of weeks.

Best of luck, keep posting

Love

Rose xxxx

[lilly56 in reply to BriarRose]

Rose, thanks for replying to me, I do feel like screaming and telling the doctor all that has happened and how I feel I have suddenly realised how the pressure has built up and the happy face is starting to crack!

It's funny she said the same as you it's about time I looked after me, I suppose I have carried on as I always do being mother hen and helping people, I enjoy it it gives me pleasure but I now realise I can only stretch myself so far before I break.

Yesterday I felt so low and was surfing the net looking for help and came across this site, signing up was a hard step I didn't want to admit depression and didn't know if this would help but you answering is my first step to talking with someone and it does feel good.

The doc did tell me the anti-depressants would take a while but last night I had my first sleep without waking in a panic and a feeling of dread, the pain was still there but didn't wake me fully, wether it was the Diazepam or the crying I don't know maybe a combination of both!

I will keep posting thankyou, and best of luck to you too,

Love Lilly

[brutalexcess]

I can relate to this post quite well, especially with the sleeping part of the discussion. I hate having to go to sleep at times because I know that when I do, I end up sleeping for longer than I want to and end up defeating half the day that I would otherwise spend studying for college.

Because of all other distractions I have hardly any time to study and it's mainly depression that distracts me from being able to do anything during the day since all I think about is death, the media, the world, and generally humans demolishing what we have to survive on.

Humans to me in general are just creatures roaming the planet destroying everything in its path, not caring about anyone else but their selves. But that's general attitude, of course everyone is unique and different and I understand that. The people who seem to know what they want, what they want to achieve in life, all seems to have these bad conditions, surely it should be the other way round? For instance, if you commit a crime or a civil offence that you become vulnerable to disease, viruses and the likes - I would prefer it if the world was like that; maybe a technology someday will allow that to happen.

Of course, on the other hand and going back on subject, I tend to sometimes get obsessed over small things, like you're obsessed with cleaning and tidying your house. Doesn't necessarily mean you have OCD as that implies being constantly obsessed over it. Sometimes I feel I have constant obsession over sex and girls, but then I'm 19 and puberty is almost over for me, so naturally my hormones are just going crazy.

By professional I assume your doctor is suggesting a councillor. Maybe try getting referred to one by your doctor, as asking for a councillor yourself may not be enough to really consider an illness as serious enough.

[missrat]

Have you tried a TENS machine? I don't respond to pain killers, but find this the best form of pain relief. The problem is that it can take a lot of experimentation with where you put the electrodes and the program you use, and many people give up too early. Can you ask your GP to refer you to a chronic pain unit? I had injections and radiofrequency nerve ablation which, along with physiotherapy, really helped.

Pain is such a trigger for depression. Are you on the Health Unlocked pain community - it's run by Pain Concern, who do a great magazine, a website and some recordings. Another good site is chronicpainsite.com - I'm Missrat there!