It's so difficult at the moment. I looked at my Mum's notes earlier from the district nurse. It states clearly that they are recommending a hospital bed for her but that she continues to decline.
Now I understand her reasons for refusal to go to hospital. She thinks it will signal the beginning of the end and I guess she knows that it's unlikely she'll come back out. She won't be able to drink or smoke in hospital and they are the only two things she has left that she likes to do.
However, her being at home is putting tremendous pressure on the rest of the family. She can't do anything for herself and relies on my sisters and I to do everything for her. She's depressed, stroppy and constantly agitated and we have to sit and listen to it.
Now before anyone reminds me that she spent however long looking after her family and it's our duty to look after her - I already know this. And if she had an illness that was out of her control, I would give up my life to make hers a little bit better. But she is choosing to refuse hospital care, and expecting her family to put their lives on hold for her.
We have to watch her in constant pain and see her slowly shrink away to nothing, refusing to eat or try and move about, just so she can have the luxury of lighting a cigarette and pouring a drink when she wants one.
The things is, we have been told that if she is left alone with no alcohol, her body will go into shock and she could die. That's an awful responsibility for us all to carry. She says that she doesn't need us for anything, but that's such a ridiculous statement to make because without us, she could be very ill or worse.
In some respects she has no control over the situation any more, because the drink and the painkillers have taken over her mind. On the other hand she is in the ideal position, controlling every aspect of her whole family's lives at the moment. Everyone is at each other's throats, unable to see eye to eye or agree on what best to do. She knows this, but still maintains her right to stay at home. She knows that we won't abandon her, but she also knows what her behaviour is doing to us all.
I am so stressed about this situation right now. I don't really want any solutions, I just wanted a rant really.
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Suzie40
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That must all be so hard for you and your family and I feel for you. I'm glad you don't want any solutions - because as you know there aren't any. You are right, your mum is frightened, and so she hangs onto the only things she can control. It's sad that you are all at one another's throats at the moment but not surprising, it's what happens so often in a family where people feel controlled and anxiously anticipating death all at once. I'm glad you have been able to rant and wish I could offer some advice, but can't. The only thing I can say - for you - is take on as much as you feel able to, leave the rest and don't feel guilty about it. You are human and you have children.
That is a realistic and kind reply to Lucy. I know too there are no easy answers, I went through this situation 5 yes. Ago and ki remember I was totally worn out. Trying to help someone with an addiction is really hard and you have to make sure and look after yourself or you just go under.
Also you. Have to remember that this is the path they choose, they choose not to stop drinking If Lucy can remember that all she can do
Is to be there when she can. But to try and look after herself as Lucy has a family to look after
It's the hardest thing to be
Present for all this , we are Here for Lucy to comfort her.
Ah Lucy this is so difficult for you. I have a friend whose father was the same. He was such a difficult b... even when he was really ill. I can't give any answers but hopefully it is helping to tell people and to have us understand all the stress you are under.
I'm sorry for the stress and pressure you and your family are under at the moment. I hope writing it all down has given you some relief and helped you to clear your mind. Just wanted to show my support. Keep posting. We're all here for you.
But I think..... and sorry, I know you said you don't want advice, and I am not in a position to give any, nor is it meant as one... But it really sounds to me that your mum should go to hospital, it would be better for all of you. Not sure who will have to make that decision, if it can be done without her consent, but this situation can't go on, Lucy.
She should totally be in hospital, I agree. But the doctors say she has capacity and is able to make these decisions herself. Unfortunately the doctors don't consider the impact on the rest of her family. I feel like the worst daughter in the world even writing this stuff, but I am at breaking point x
You are NOT a bad daughter - the opposite! Tell them that you can't go on and the thoughts you are having they have to take that into account too
Hello Lucy
Sorry, you seem to be really stuck in a very unpleasant place. I understand that you do not want advice.
You are in a place I have been in many times now and what I would do was either get out of the house when other family members arrive, I would walk around the block or even just stand in the garden.
My mother is very controlling and does the same thing, this alienated me from my family that she wanted all along. Now if still alive will be eighty seven and will be controlling the audience to its full capacity.
Look after yourself, everyone here will be thinking of you.
Please feel free to rant, scream and stamp your feet. God knows you must be stressed.
Sarah xxx
Rant away girl as many times or as much as you want... though if it is lots is it ok if I do the usual bloke thing & switch off while saying "yeah" every now & then?
Sorry things are a bit stressful, anything we can do to help & support we will. Hope you manage to get a good nights sleep hon x
Thank you everyone. I know I post an awful lot about this situation. It's just so difficult sometimes. You're such lovely people and I appreciate all your kind words x
Your Mum is terrified if hospitalisation as she won't be able
To drink there. That must be very frightening for her. Sometimes family have to make difficult choices .
As you said your Mum is no
Longer thinking straight. Someone may have to say - Enough , how is your poor Dad, he must be going through hell.
Try and take time for yourself Lucy
As this is your well earned holiday.
Big hug for you
Hannah x
Oh Lucy what an awful situation for you. In the couple of years when my mum got bad before she went into a home me and my sisters were in that situation. It was a constant battle to get her to eat. She lost weight and was very unhappy. Her memory was shot and she refused all outside help when it was offered so the full burdon of looking after her fell on us. Me and one other sister sometimes disagreed and it caused no end of problems. I used to dread going to see her but did of course. Well what can you do if it is your mother? You have to do what you can - there's nothing else you can do is there?
But it is very good advice about looking after yourself as well. It's not selfish - it is just making sure you have the resources to cope and continue looking after her.
I am thinking of you and please pm me if I can help at all. Carry on venting if it helps. You will always get caring and support from us. Loves ya xx
When my gran was going down-hill, and only breaking her hip forced the decision for her to go into care. .... not that she was all sweetness and light when she got settled in a nursing home,,,, I imagine to this day the matron there will put her head in her hands and howl...
It was both good and bad that it was only my dad who was involved with her whilst she was still at home, bringing shopping etc,
No it is a situation where there are no magic solutions, although if so many members of the family are involved something like a regular family conference might cut down on the "divide and rule" going on, maybe a group skye or live chat on facebook, taking a page out of the professionals book. something like the "weekly ward round"
p.s. pleased that it worked out for you the other day with standing up for yourself.
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