FEELING VERY ASHAMED (AND TIRED) RIGH... - Mental Health Sup...

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FEELING VERY ASHAMED (AND TIRED) RIGHT NOW!!

En1234 profile image

So I went too far the other day and just thought enough is enough...Wakening up in hospital was so not what I wanted to do. The hospital asked me to leave at 5.30am and I was not asked to speak to someone. I actually hoped they would let me speak to someone about how I am feeling. I was given a piece of paper as I literally staggered out to a taxi the hospital had called for me. The piece of paper had the word "Samaritans" written on it and the telephone number beside it. That was the HELP I received from the hospital!! I went to my GP yesterday (who is a new doctor) and I felt as though she couldnt have care less. She told me I "would be fine" and that she did not see the need for even a mild anti-depressant. (I dont even want to go down that road but even I can see I am not really well at the moment). I wanted sleep so badly that the only way I could get this was to drink as much alcohol as I could and then pass out. My poor boy had to get me to the hospital and I am so sorry he had to do this. The afternoon before it I had spoken to the person who interviewed me for a job on Monday, who said my interview went really well but I failed an Online Test!!!...I told my GP ALL of this and still she did not think there was anything wrong with me. She gave me a box of sleeping pills and told me they were highly addictive and should only take no more than 2 per day. I cannot imagine why she would give me such medication when she has just sat and heard me saying I dont want to be here any more. She didnt want to give me a mild anti-depressant but she WILL give me highly addictive sleeping pills!!

I feel like such a failure and this is coming to the end of the 7th months of hell I have been feeling, I just wanted it to all go away!! And it doesnt help that my mother tells me that I brought all of this on myself and that I was nothing but a "Drama Queen" who needs to sort her life out...What does she think I have been TRYING to do!!?? I am so tired right now and going to bed to sleep some more. I have got to the point that I just dont care anymore. My only friends have been my son, buddies on here and my 2 friends are still abroad and they know nothing of this!! But for the rest of them...."so called" friends and family that you are always supposed be there for. I hope I will bounce back and I hope I do have the power to forgive those who turned their backs on me, (especially my family!!) and maybe someday soon my life will get better!!

Love to you all and now I am off to bed!!

Theresa XXXXXXX

7 Replies

Theresa, please will you contact your GP practice first thing Monday and ask to see another doctor for a second opinion? Even I can see you need more help than sleeping pills.

I'm so glad to see you back posting after your episode the other day and sorry to hear you ended up in hospital. You've been through so much this year it's no wonder it came to a head, it's just surprising it took so long. You are a stronger lady than I am that's for sure.

Lorraine xxxxx

En1234 profile image
En1234 in reply to clovislorry

Just feel really embarrassed and I have been up today trying to do some small things. I need to get my strength back. Alcohol has not been a friend of mine for such a long time and it introduce it back into my life is such a large quantity that it has really done me no favours.

I think the job situation has definitely been getting me down. The situation with my kitchen wall has been getting me down and I have tried to fix this up as best I can. (Someone told me today, its only bricks and mortar and I suppose this is true) and worrying about my mother's approval/opinion of me has always worried me. She said to me the things that she said and I will just try and pity her for the fact that she really doesnt know how I am right now. Her and my nephew are going to spain in the morning and I have not heard a thing from her all day, so clearly SHE is getting on with her life.

I could feel this bubbling up now for a long time as I have been a bit TOO positive and I am glad it has happened. Tomorrow is another new slate for me and I WILL get up and dust myself down and start again. I have lost faith in the NHS and will not be going to see any more doctors. As far as I am concerned they think "I am just fine". Maybe if I adopt a "couldnt care less attitude" the way some people do then I may get on a bit better,,,

I need to something to help myself with my sleep. If I can sleep I will be able to deal with things differently...

Thank you for your message!! Means a lot!!

Theresa..XXXX

Ah Theresa, I hope you sleep well. I am sorry things ended up like that for you. It's pretty serious the state you ended up in and it sounds like it would have been a good time to get some proper help. Instead you were fobbed off and sent home. It is awful when people turn their backs on you. I have been worried about you and glad you are still here but can hear how much you are struggling and not getting the help you need.

What tablets did the doctor put you on if you don't mind me asking? Is is zopiclone or temazepam? I'm expecting zopiclone. Please don't get addicted like I have. I have been on them for over 30 years and I am completely addicted. I think they are responsible for some of my enduring problems. I'm just on a "cocktail" of stuff which is sort of "made up" really. I know they don't know what to do with me. Yes amazing really that they gave you those in the situation....

I do think you've hit a bit of a crisis point in your life. Because you obviously are a strong lady this may be working against you (in terms of your visit to the GP etc) as no doubt you present as extremely capable and able which can mean that the actual state you are in gets missed.

Thank God you are still around. You absolutely are worth it, whereas myself I am not so sure but I would be letting people down I know who have tried to help. Every day I wake up and feel the most awful pain you can possibly imagine.

I do think you can get well. Do you think alcohol is becoming a bit of a crutch? It's perfectly understandable as it does take pain away at first but can cause problems with lack of inhibition which can then put you at unecessary risk .

I would 100% recommend that you try the Samaritans. I've phoned them three times in the last three weeks and they were very good indeed.

Also have a look when you have a minute at the likeMinds videos someone recommended on here yesterday. They are extremely interesting and I think will help you. bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/...

I'm not sure what is the answer for you. Anti-depressants may help but I think talking would be a big thing for you, talking to someone who understands what you are going through and can give you the care and concern you deserve. You do have a tendency to be too hard on yourself which you don't deserve. Sending hugs, lots of them and PM me whenever you want. Gemma xxx

I

En1234 profile image
En1234 in reply to Stilltrying_

Hi there!!

She gave me 3.75mg of Zipoclone. I dont want to become addicted to them. (and she gave me a sick line to hand into the job centre for a month, so that gives me a bit of breathing space). I thought if I had been taken to the the hospital they may have referred me to someone or made an appointment for me to see someone that day but I was really just politely asked to leave with a telephone number for the Samaritans. I have spoken to them twice as well and felt it was a waste of time. I didnt feel them to have been of any help at all. I thought speaking face to face to my doctor may have helped but like I said, I dont think she was interested. I actually left the surgery feeling like I was just a time-waster. Nobody has got any idea of what is happening to me right now. Waking up at all hours of the morning. Things (and songs) going through my head that just wont stop. I have not had alcohol in a long, long time and thought this is the reason I have been able to keep it together trying to keep it together was becoming too much and hence the reason I had a drink!! Its like a vicious circle. I pray I have not dont too much damage as I feel OK today. Its only been over a couple of weeks so I praying I will get back on track as there will be no more drinking.

I always thought I was there for the friends and family I have in their times of need but it doesnt seem to work both ways. (My mother and my nephew are going to Spain in the morning. She knew I was going to the doctors yesterday morning and hasnt even called to ask how I got on!!) I had more support from the people on here than anyone really (including the NHS). I have completely lost faith in ALL of that!!

At the end of the day its YOU that needs to look after YOU!!

Sorry for ranting..

I hope you are OK..

Theresa XXXX

Stilltrying_ profile image
Stilltrying_ in reply to En1234

Hi, yes it's pretty bad that they just asked you to leave with that phone number. They probably should have done a psychiatric assessment at least but I wonder if they may have felt that was stigmatising to someone who doesn't previously have a psychiatric history and so maybe wanted to avoid it? ; don't know how you fell through the net otherwise but I can understand entirely how you are feeling right now and how much at that time what you really needed was to talk and to be given help with your situation.

3.75 mg of zopiclone is ok for a bit but like you say you mustn't get addicted. I would definately go back to your doctor and tell them again the seriousness of the situation and ask if there is any sort of a counselling service in your area. Don't know about meds, its up to you ; if you feel you need a mild antidepressant then maybe it's worth asking for though it can be trial and error. They seem to work for some people but not others.

So your mum and nephew are off on holiday tomorrow. It can feel horrible can't it when you are needy and people are uninterested and just doing their own "happy" stuff

You know you can always talk on here and I will always try and answer you in PM too.

Sorry you didn't find the Samaritans useful. I found them extremely useful but I am very S.... and maybe I was just lucky the way it works for me. They do always seem to give me a bit of hope.

Please do look after yourself and keep talking on here!!! Sending lots of hugs xxxxx

En1234 profile image
En1234 in reply to Stilltrying_

Its sounds as if I am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself but I can assure you that is not the case. If I can just tell my head that "so what!" and then just get on with my life. My mother knew I had an appointment with the GP on Thursday and she couldnt even be bothered to contact me and ask how I got on?? And now she is away!! Its just one more confirmation of how much she cares. I hope that by the time she comes back I will be feeling better. I am sitting here with a colour in my hair in a bit to cheer myself up. I will no longer bother with the sleeping pills as they are making me field weird. I need to deal with this on my own as obviously this is the only option for me.

Stilltrying_ profile image
Stilltrying_ in reply to En1234

It's interesting (from my respect) that you describe the sleeping pills as making you feel "weird". I have been on them for longer than time can remember and I often describe myself as feeling "weird" or "bizarre". I wonder if the tablets could be to blame? But I'm addicted and to much more than you are on and have been for some time.

That's another story. Back to you.

No-one thinks you are just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. These past few months have been extremely challenging for you and you have basically born up pretty well I would say. Also you've recognised that alcohol isn't a good idea for you in that state as you tend to "overdo" it which is a great and strong accomplishmentin that you are aware of that.

I'm sorry you're mum didn't phone you. She could have at least bothered about your welfare like you say. She sounds like the kind of lady who expects everyone to just "get on with it". When we are well we can do that but we can all falter a little at times; it isn't a crime, just a part of being human. She's lucky if she has never experienced that herself.

Hope your colour managed to cheer you up :)

Gxx

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