This is my first post. I’m desperately searching for advice.
I’m 33 years old. My life has been very good mostly except for personal relationships. I’ve traveled to 22 countries, rode everything from boats to helicopters, motorcycles to kayaks. I love my children and I know I’m a good dad. I put my son to be every night for about a year and a half, I teach him things and he’s an incredibly smart and good boy. He’s two years old and my daughter is 6 months.
My wife and I have been together about 5 years now. I met her while I was living my best life in NYC. I was training jiu jitsu at the best school in the world. I was in the best shape of my life and everything was good. I knew I wanted to get married and have children as soon as I found the right person. I thought it was my wife. She’s 6 years older than I am. She’s from Ecuador. She wanted kids and was ready to follow me anywhere I decided to go. We got married, I paid all her credit card debt. I did the paperwork and paid for her citizenship. I was able to buy my second house at 32 and now support my family with passive income.
Heres the problem. She has all the traits of a narcissist. She will lie in any argument, even menial things in order to win. She becomes physically violent when I argue back. She’s done everything from punch me in the head, thrown things at me, spit on me, hide my things, throw my dog outside, kick me, threaten me with a knife, lock me out of the house, and more. She’s done these things on multiple occasions over the years. I don’t drink alcohol but she calls me an alcoholic. I smoke a small joint in the evenings and have for a few years since before we met, and she calls me a drug addict. I take care of our children and put my son to sleep each night and she calls me a pedophile. I have a gun for self defense and no friends, but she calls me a gangster. I don’t speak with most of my family because I have relationship issues, so she consistently reminds me how everyone hates me and that I’m a horrible person in every way she can name. I just started hunting for the first time a few days ago and she tells me I will never be successful at it. I just bought a PS5 and she told me this morning I’m not allowed to play it because they are more addictive than drugs and she hid my controllers.
I have hours of evidence, video, audio, text etc. She often hits me at times where I cannot defend myself such as while driving or when I’m holding our baby.
She’s good to me maybe 1 day out of the week, and occasionally 2. She tells me on good days that she’s sorry and she will work on her behavior. Then the next morning the abuse continues. Constant passive aggressive things, demands to do things she wants me to do, ignoring me when I speak, insulting me etc.
I understand now that having two parents in the house is best for the children. I cannot imagine how I can separate our children from one of their parents.
my wife doesn’t drive, her citizenship is tied to our marriage and she has no money except the amounts I give her in cash that she saves occasionally.
I don’t know what to do. Everything is telling me I need to leave, less I be abused the rest of my life for as long as we remain together. However if I leave she cannot support herself or take care of the children. Her only option is to return to Ecuador and live with her mom. Then we have two babies, either one or both will lose one parent.
We can’t even separate because all my family is back in NY/NJ and I’m in NC. All her family is in Ecuador.
I understand this is a big ramble/venting, but there’s just so much on my mind I don’t know what’s relevant. I would be happy to engage in any discussion and answer any questions in order to get the help/advice I need to go forward.
Thanks for reading if you’ve made it here.
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Lustandf
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27 Replies
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Counselling is my best advice and marriage counselling. But she might not change. You have to consider your safety and your children. Ask what the lawyer or police or both is your best options. Have you contacted her mum as she might be able to get through to her more than you have. Tell her threaten her and you might be making situation worse. But counselling allows you both to work on the things that bother you. I don't think it's you at all but you need advice from good lawyer and people that will listen to you and you need their support and be honest about how much you can cope with and can't. The kids responsibility you look like you can take on and whether you can get custody of both kids for their safety. See what kind of person her mum is and how much influence she has. You might be able to live with her and mum but depends on mum's influence and is another possibility and depends who gets control of who.
Thank you for the reply. Her mom is very understanding, and knows her daughters ways better than I do. She treats her mom and sisters the same way, being kind and friendly, but then becoming mean and nasty when things aren’t her way or if she’s just in a bad mood. I’ve also talked to her about the violence and she cried to me because she feels like it’s her fault for not raising her better. It’s not of course and we’re each responsible for ourselves, especially a 40 year old woman.
My issue with counseling or talking to her mom is that my wife is manipulative and a liar. She takes no responsibility for anything she does, even so far as accusing me of hitting her, while she’s actively hitting me with our baby in my arms. I have this on camera. I’ve also had to call the police on her and have a report, when she was punching and scratching me, and I had to run out of the house barefoot while carrying our two year old. She locked me out. It happened while we were visiting my mom. It’s extremely embarrassing because my mom let us stay at her house for two weeks and my wife was screaming and fighting with me nearly every day. It’s in a small community with attached houses and I know all the neighbors could here her two hour barrage of attacks and insults, the entire time I’m begging her to stop and to please calm down. This is often the scenario that happens. The second I get offended by something and call her a b or c word, that’s when she flips and gets worse or violent.
Thank you for listening and I’m hoping just talking will have some help on my thinking process. I will consider the counseling and contacting her mom again. Although she has mentioned that I’m not allowed to contact her mom, so I’m reluctant. A true narcissist she’s afraid her mom will know the things she’s doing to me.
I have no advice to give but I am in a similar situation and I feel for you. It is especially tough to end things when they are the mother of your children. There is no good solution here if your wife continues this pattern, I can only say try to think of what would be the least harmful for your kids.
Good luck, don’t put up with it. Also what about talking to her doctor, say you are very concerned. You might enlist them to help her, although you can’t force help on her, but if the children are at risk they should help.
I don’t have the answers but just wanted to let you know I read this and thought about what you say about losing a parent. By staying with her you are telling your children that it is ok to behave this way. Having an aggresive parent will cause them future trauma. My Dad was violent and watching him hit my Mum while she held my baby brother and other violence has stayed with me all my life and struggle. Being with just you sounds like the only answer. I would be moving out and taking the children with me. With the video evidence you have the police and social services may rec you have custody. A good solicitor will help too and probably a good thing to do first. Get your ducks in a row before you let her know.
There is a documentary series called my wife my abuser - captured on camera on netflix. Its a hard watch but might be helpful to you. You might not get it there as I am in the uk. Good luck.
NP. I have been thinking today about my Mum and when she left my Dad she became a different person. She had always been waiting for the next row, quiet and hid it from friends but she became this wonderful, enthusiastic, loving person once she was free of him. You only live once. Hard to imagine a future while you are in the thick of it but have hope.
It is a very hard decision for you to make. But your health comes first. If you aren't well how are you going to be strong. I would get legal advice to see what your options are
''I understand now that having two parents in the house is best for the children''.
No its not always. And certainly not good for the children to have to grow up in such a toxic household. What she is doing to you she will also do to your children and they will grow up damaged.
It is far better to have 1 good parent than 2 who are so unhappy as that makes the household very stressful and don't forget children always blame themselves.
Also can you stand living like this until your children are grown? I am wondering too if part of the reason she married you is to get a passport?
Sorry to be so blunt but I think you know what you have to do. Don't you.....Don't subject innocent children to this toxic life, or yourself.
I have gone down the rabbit hole and found that most everyone has some narcissism in them. Some more than others. I certainly see now when she’s gaslighting, being manipulative, and directly attacking the things I enjoy in order to take them away from me.
From what you have said she is a full blown narc. She shows abnormal behaviour ie violence, continual gaslighting etc. Then the usual pattern is when you reach your breaking point she then becomes 'nice' to you. She doesn't want to lose her narc supply.
I’ve called on a few occasions where I’ve had to leave the house. It was helpful just to talk to someone. However everything and everyone is pointing in one single direction, divorce. It’s just I cannot find it in me where it’s right for me to take my son’s mom away from him. She’s not all bad, and being her citizenship is tied to our marriage I feel it’s not right for me to have my son lose his mom or for her to lose her child. Part of me feels that it is suffering I must endure. I have to sacrifice my selfish desire for a better life when I’ve already started one.
It wouldn't be taking their mother away from them as she could still stay in touch with them and visit them too. Or maybe they could go to her country for a visit when older?
Like I said its far better to have 1 happy parent than 2 at war with each other. What she does to you she will do to her children too.
Adults can deal with this but children can't. It would damage them for life far more than the loss of their mother in their day to day life.
Yes I understand that of course and sympathise with you. But I do think you have to understand that narcs rarely change because they don't think their behaviour is out of order and that they have any issues. They always blame others for their issues as you know.
Have you thought about trying family therapy? Or even for her to seek it alone? That's the only hope I can see for any change.
The trouble is too the more you are ground down the more your self esteem will suffer and you might end up just accepting it as acceptable.
The more you are the less able you will be to see things clearly and take action.
I feel that if you don’t remove yourself and your children from her toxic influence, the cycle will continue with your children. They will think it’s ok. It is NOT.
If you say you have all this evidence, videos et cetera then you should contact the police and have her removed from the home immediately. Or do this yourself. Plan this organise this in the correct way and perhaps when you know she may be less threatening.
If you can afford a second home, tell her to leave immediately. Pack all her belongings. And tell her to go live there, alone and do not let her have any contact alone with yourself or your children.
Contact social services because they should be involved because that’s what the social workers would do, they wouldn’t have anyone like her around children, because she’s a risk. If you say she’s hitting you, whilst you’re holding a child.
Hire a solicitor/lawyer immediately and find out your rights. Demand she leaves the house immediately. If this has gone on for months, then this behaviour isn’t likely to change overnight, until she does something about her behaviour. So you must do this immediately.
And you say your marriage has something to do with her citizenship, why? What has a marriage got to do with citizenship? If she has citizenship? Why would she lose it if you get divorced?
And why should you care, when she’s treating you with such contentment. Your children should be your first responsibility not how it might impact her feelings, by what you are doing. You are taking control of a very horrible and dangerous situation.
If you love your children? Like you say, then don’t put them at risk because you are and do not put yourself at risk, which you are doing.
So, if you are a good father like you say you are, then contact the police, a lawyer and social services. They can remove her, if you have proof. No more talking just take some action before things get worse.
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