Narcissistic Abuse from Wife

[Lustandf]

This is my first post. I’m desperately searching for advice.

I’m 33 years old. My life has been very good mostly except for personal relationships. I’ve traveled to 22 countries, rode everything from boats to helicopters, motorcycles to kayaks. I love my children and I know I’m a good dad. I put my son to be every night for about a year and a half, I teach him things and he’s an incredibly smart and good boy. He’s two years old and my daughter is 6 months.

My wife and I have been together about 5 years now. I met her while I was living my best life in NYC. I was training jiu jitsu at the best school in the world. I was in the best shape of my life and everything was good. I knew I wanted to get married and have children as soon as I found the right person. I thought it was my wife. She’s 6 years older than I am. She’s from Ecuador. She wanted kids and was ready to follow me anywhere I decided to go. We got married, I paid all her credit card debt. I did the paperwork and paid for her citizenship. I was able to buy my second house at 32 and now support my family with passive income.

Heres the problem. She has all the traits of a narcissist. She will lie in any argument, even menial things in order to win. She becomes physically violent when I argue back. She’s done everything from punch me in the head, thrown things at me, spit on me, hide my things, throw my dog outside, kick me, threaten me with a knife, lock me out of the house, and more. She’s done these things on multiple occasions over the years. I don’t drink alcohol but she calls me an alcoholic. I smoke a small joint in the evenings and have for a few years since before we met, and she calls me a drug addict. I take care of our children and put my son to sleep each night and she calls me a pedophile. I have a gun for self defense and no friends, but she calls me a gangster. I don’t speak with most of my family because I have relationship issues, so she consistently reminds me how everyone hates me and that I’m a horrible person in every way she can name. I just started hunting for the first time a few days ago and she tells me I will never be successful at it. I just bought a PS5 and she told me this morning I’m not allowed to play it because they are more addictive than drugs and she hid my controllers.

I have hours of evidence, video, audio, text etc. She often hits me at times where I cannot defend myself such as while driving or when I’m holding our baby.

She’s good to me maybe 1 day out of the week, and occasionally 2. She tells me on good days that she’s sorry and she will work on her behavior. Then the next morning the abuse continues. Constant passive aggressive things, demands to do things she wants me to do, ignoring me when I speak, insulting me etc.

I understand now that having two parents in the house is best for the children. I cannot imagine how I can separate our children from one of their parents.

my wife doesn’t drive, her citizenship is tied to our marriage and she has no money except the amounts I give her in cash that she saves occasionally.

I don’t know what to do. Everything is telling me I need to leave, less I be abused the rest of my life for as long as we remain together. However if I leave she cannot support herself or take care of the children. Her only option is to return to Ecuador and live with her mom. Then we have two babies, either one or both will lose one parent.

We can’t even separate because all my family is back in NY/NJ and I’m in NC. All her family is in Ecuador.

I understand this is a big ramble/venting, but there’s just so much on my mind I don’t know what’s relevant. I would be happy to engage in any discussion and answer any questions in order to get the help/advice I need to go forward.

Thanks for reading if you’ve made it here.

[Vonus5591]

Counselling is my best advice and marriage counselling. But she might not change. You have to consider your safety and your children. Ask what the lawyer or police or both is your best options. Have you contacted her mum as she might be able to get through to her more than you have. Tell her threaten her and you might be making situation worse. But counselling allows you both to work on the things that bother you. I don't think it's you at all but you need advice from good lawyer and people that will listen to you and you need their support and be honest about how much you can cope with and can't. The kids responsibility you look like you can take on and whether you can get custody of both kids for their safety. See what kind of person her mum is and how much influence she has. You might be able to live with her and mum but depends on mum's influence and is another possibility and depends who gets control of who.

[Lustandf in reply to Vonus5591]

Thank you for the reply. Her mom is very understanding, and knows her daughters ways better than I do. She treats her mom and sisters the same way, being kind and friendly, but then becoming mean and nasty when things aren’t her way or if she’s just in a bad mood. I’ve also talked to her about the violence and she cried to me because she feels like it’s her fault for not raising her better. It’s not of course and we’re each responsible for ourselves, especially a 40 year old woman.

My issue with counseling or talking to her mom is that my wife is manipulative and a liar. She takes no responsibility for anything she does, even so far as accusing me of hitting her, while she’s actively hitting me with our baby in my arms. I have this on camera. I’ve also had to call the police on her and have a report, when she was punching and scratching me, and I had to run out of the house barefoot while carrying our two year old. She locked me out. It happened while we were visiting my mom. It’s extremely embarrassing because my mom let us stay at her house for two weeks and my wife was screaming and fighting with me nearly every day. It’s in a small community with attached houses and I know all the neighbors could here her two hour barrage of attacks and insults, the entire time I’m begging her to stop and to please calm down. This is often the scenario that happens. The second I get offended by something and call her a b or c word, that’s when she flips and gets worse or violent.

Thank you for listening and I’m hoping just talking will have some help on my thinking process. I will consider the counseling and contacting her mom again. Although she has mentioned that I’m not allowed to contact her mom, so I’m reluctant. A true narcissist she’s afraid her mom will know the things she’s doing to me.