I find Christmas so hard. I feel useless and lonely even though I have my immediate family around me - I have been sleeping all day and shutting myself off from them. I grew up with a mother who made Christmas difficult and I was an only child so her anger and focus was all on me growing up until I had to sever ties with her when I was 36. She died four years ago ensuring that she was cremated before I was told about her death. I hadnt seen her for 8 years before she died although I sent her pictures of my family and kept her updated by text. She had a difficult upbringing herself and was diagnosed with BPD. When I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed out or have time-out to myself as I had to stay in the same room as her and always had to be careful with with I say or she would go in a rage, telling me I am selfish and evil. Christmas time is a reminder of how she would lavish all her love on the run up and then take the tree down angrily on Christmas Day. After I learnt of her death after getting concerned not hearing back from her for a few days, I received a package in the post containing angry letters and messages from her. So Christmas time is so hard. I am feeling so bad for my family and shutting them out and blaming myself for the way I was to my mother. No closure, no support, being an only child so no-one to share the experience with. So hard. I just still feel so worthless and the world’s worse mother to my children.